Prom Night, 17 years ago.
So anyway, 17 years ago (almost to the day) my prom date offered me her virginity at the SkyView Hotel in Seaside Heights,New Jersey, and I turned her down by pretending to pass out on the bed.
There were MANY reasons for doing that. I was a virgin too, I was scared, I was religeous at the time, and their were 2 other girls I was intersted in, in the next room. I had been close friends with my date since the fourth grade, and we had 'made-out' a few times in the following years. She was good looking and attractive but could be sappy and clingy.
She rubbed my hair for a few minutes and then went into the bathroom. As soon as she left the room I popped out of bed and into the arms of the police who were busy busting my High School friends for underage drinking just outside. They actually were a private security firm hired by the hotel, and just took 10 of our 19 cases of beer, because they could. I wound up sleeping on the beach with a few other girls, but no funny business.
I didnt keep in touch with this girl after that. Her family moved out of state, she went to some big University and did god knows what. She was always alittle spoiled and always got what she wanted in life, boys, toys, cars....and maybe thats what lead to the following?
So I get an email from Classmates.com that she has sent me a message. Sure, great. I love to hear from old friends. I hope they're all happy, and doing well.
She's getting married in a month. The first paragraph said so. The first paragraph also said how she owns her own PR firm in California, how her fiancee is some big movie producer or something, and how much they paid for their house 'in the valley'. All of this from someone I havent talked to in 17 years. The second paragrah was how she's getting married on some private estate and that I should call her to catch up.
I'm completely baffled on how to respond. Apparently I'm some 'loose end' in her mind that she needs to tie up before she gets married? Maybe she needs to know I didnt turn out as well as the 'wonderful' guy she's engaged to? I'm almost angry at her approach to impress me. I'm not an 'L.A.' guy, dont try to stack your chips next to mine to see who has the bigger pile. Not that I cant be impressed by material things, because I can, it's just that I've been married for almost 12 years and have 3 sons.....my sensibilties are much different having been hammered by real life.
Do you think she'd be impressed by knowing I spent last night in my bare feet in my garden? I was picking as much spinach as possible because it's overtaking my Eggplants and Hot Peppers.(they're still seedlings) There was ALOT of Spinach. I cleaned and chopped it up and pan fried it with alittle olive oil, white wine, garlic, onion, and bits of bacon. (now I'm starving, having written that). After that I sat with my wife and 2 younger sons out back, talking about my oldest boy who left for a week of camping with his 5th grade class. After that, I broke out the poker chips and we played blackjack for an hour or so. The six year old is pretty good. I had a GREAT night, do you think this woman would be impressed? I dont either.
So now to the fun part. She wants a pissing contest, I'm gonna splash the pot so she hasnt a freaking clue what I'm talking about. I'm not going to call her, I'm going to respond by email. Here are some of my ideas.
* I could come up with some fantastic story about me being the first man to land on Mars. And that the entire time I wanted to come home so I could get a decent Latte.
* I could translate my entire story to ghetto-speak using Snoop Dogg's Shizzolator found here:
http://www.asksnoop.com/
* I could research who her clients are and then casually mention all of them in some rambling email how they are all best friends of mine.
* I could tell her I need a Kidney and what is her blood type?
* I could tell her that I'm flying my jet to L.A. to protest the wedding
* I could tell her that I'm out of the closet now, and that I'm pretty sure I hooked up with her finacee a few years ago at a party in Vegas
Any Ideas? Post them!
There were MANY reasons for doing that. I was a virgin too, I was scared, I was religeous at the time, and their were 2 other girls I was intersted in, in the next room. I had been close friends with my date since the fourth grade, and we had 'made-out' a few times in the following years. She was good looking and attractive but could be sappy and clingy.
She rubbed my hair for a few minutes and then went into the bathroom. As soon as she left the room I popped out of bed and into the arms of the police who were busy busting my High School friends for underage drinking just outside. They actually were a private security firm hired by the hotel, and just took 10 of our 19 cases of beer, because they could. I wound up sleeping on the beach with a few other girls, but no funny business.
I didnt keep in touch with this girl after that. Her family moved out of state, she went to some big University and did god knows what. She was always alittle spoiled and always got what she wanted in life, boys, toys, cars....and maybe thats what lead to the following?
So I get an email from Classmates.com that she has sent me a message. Sure, great. I love to hear from old friends. I hope they're all happy, and doing well.
She's getting married in a month. The first paragraph said so. The first paragraph also said how she owns her own PR firm in California, how her fiancee is some big movie producer or something, and how much they paid for their house 'in the valley'. All of this from someone I havent talked to in 17 years. The second paragrah was how she's getting married on some private estate and that I should call her to catch up.
I'm completely baffled on how to respond. Apparently I'm some 'loose end' in her mind that she needs to tie up before she gets married? Maybe she needs to know I didnt turn out as well as the 'wonderful' guy she's engaged to? I'm almost angry at her approach to impress me. I'm not an 'L.A.' guy, dont try to stack your chips next to mine to see who has the bigger pile. Not that I cant be impressed by material things, because I can, it's just that I've been married for almost 12 years and have 3 sons.....my sensibilties are much different having been hammered by real life.
Do you think she'd be impressed by knowing I spent last night in my bare feet in my garden? I was picking as much spinach as possible because it's overtaking my Eggplants and Hot Peppers.(they're still seedlings) There was ALOT of Spinach. I cleaned and chopped it up and pan fried it with alittle olive oil, white wine, garlic, onion, and bits of bacon. (now I'm starving, having written that). After that I sat with my wife and 2 younger sons out back, talking about my oldest boy who left for a week of camping with his 5th grade class. After that, I broke out the poker chips and we played blackjack for an hour or so. The six year old is pretty good. I had a GREAT night, do you think this woman would be impressed? I dont either.
So now to the fun part. She wants a pissing contest, I'm gonna splash the pot so she hasnt a freaking clue what I'm talking about. I'm not going to call her, I'm going to respond by email. Here are some of my ideas.
* I could come up with some fantastic story about me being the first man to land on Mars. And that the entire time I wanted to come home so I could get a decent Latte.
* I could translate my entire story to ghetto-speak using Snoop Dogg's Shizzolator found here:
http://www.asksnoop.com/
* I could research who her clients are and then casually mention all of them in some rambling email how they are all best friends of mine.
* I could tell her I need a Kidney and what is her blood type?
* I could tell her that I'm flying my jet to L.A. to protest the wedding
* I could tell her that I'm out of the closet now, and that I'm pretty sure I hooked up with her finacee a few years ago at a party in Vegas
Any Ideas? Post them!
3 comments:
That's insane - you're on classmates?
It's also interesting how this girl thinks that the cost of her house and marriage are things that are noteworthy, the things that she needs to 'catch up' with you about. Maybe she was just making an East Coast/West Coast comparison for you and it's all innocent. - still a very odd thing to bring up.
1. Tell her you always loved her and that you signed up for Classmates hoping you could get in touch with her again. That it's extremely important she not get married because she should be with you.
2. Tell her you lost both legs, most of your abdomen and all of your penis in the war - so she should have tried harded on Prom Night.
3. Tell her she must be confused, you have no idea who she is.
4. Tell her you need "that package" back - right away!
5. Tell her you're actually familiar with the place she's getting married and drop a lot of other LA references - after all, you're in the "adult entertainment" business and you get to LA quite frequently. Offer to send her a wedding gift.
Send her your profile in Blogger. That impressed me.
Brian (Rob L's friend)
Birdy- Number 4 is awesome. "I'm great, blah, blah, blah, by the way I desperatley need that package back...."
Smelmoo- I hate that Rob guy
I think that another good idea would be to pretend that we actually did it, and I should write this flowery email how I'll always treasure that she was my first and how it was true love and shit. "You were so sensitive the way you held me, when we made love, it was like eating a chocolate bar on a hot day" Then ignore every email from her from then on.
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