Hot Diggity Dog!

Post Contest Misery
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Some of you are kind enough to follow my career as a Competitive Eater. There’s a lot of Hub Bub going on right now because it’s HotDog Season! Many people have seen or heard about the Nathans Famous Hot Dog Contest Finals held in Coney Island on July 4th every year since 1916. Well in order to get there you must win one of the 18 Qualifiers held around the world, but mostly in the North East US. ALL of the best Eaters compete in this one.

These Qualifiers have been going on for a month now, and my first one is next Saturday. I’m allowed to compete in 3 Qualifiers, so that’s 3 shots at crossing off one of my goals in life. This is my third year trying, and I don’t want to wait a whole nother year. It has to happen this year.

There’s some changes this year to the contest and they directly effect me. The first is that this years contest will no longer have a Wildcard Category. If I want to get in I must win a Qualifier, no matter who shows up. In years past they allowed in 2 people with very high totals but who didn’t win.

The other change affects my dream of eating 20 Hot Dogs and Buns in 12 Minutes. This year the Qualifiers have all been shortened to 10 Minutes. Many of you remember the last 2 years me trying to do ‘The Duece’….well it just got a lot harder. I am certain I would have done it this year if it was 12 minutes and I hope I am not showing too much Bravado by saying I will STILL be able to pull it off in only 10.

Now this contest is the most physically demanding of all the regular contests. Hot Dogs take rhythm to eat in large numbers. It’s painful for your throat and stomach. The salt, fat and chemicals are overwhelming to your concentration. You become satiated within 3 minutes. Uncomfortable within 8 minutes. Utterly Miserable after 10.

I should be happy it’s been shortened. It’s like someone giving me 2 less minutes of Water Boarding…but I’m not happy about it. There’s at least 20 years of records with the contest at the 12 minute length. Changing that will be like making a major change in Baseball and having all the records have an asterisk from now on.

I propose that the 11th and 12th Minute of this Contest should be kept BECAUSE it is so hard. Two years ago I would have won the QVC Qualifier if it was only 10 minutes. I was leading, and smacked into a wall of meaty misery and was passed with a minute left by the great Seaver Miller and Buffalo Jim. They were able to make their move at the toughest part of the contest, when most of the contestants had completely stopped eating.

Traditionally I have had very poor performances in the last two minutes, and may even be that I win a qualifier this year BECAUSE it’s shortened, but I’d still like to keep the tradition of modern eating and go for the whole 12.

I don’t like change (unless it involves my underwear)

How I know I made it

Goto 10

Boy: You always make things up.
Man: Is this because you're jealous that I'm famous?
Boy: You're NOT famous.
Man: I'm in the Guniess Book of World Records. Thats Famous.
Boy: What for?
Man: I once stacked crayons really high. Higher than anyone.
Boy: No you didnt.
Man: I also made the Sweetest Jello ever once.
Boy: Thats not a record
Man: Sure it is. It was like really sweet.
Boy: You dont like sweet things!
Man: I know...but I made it anyway.
(silence)
Boy: You always make things up.

No Incentive

Then
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Parenthood is a funny thing.

Early on there’s lots of Accounting of the Children. We know every last detail of their universe and can recite them to all interested (and uninterested) parties.

*my son weighs 8lbs 1oz.
*he ate 2 bottles of formula and a small jar of rice cereal
*he has 3 teeth
*he knows 7 words
*he shit green

This brief finite world is perfect for trading stats with the other haggard Parents. I mean what else can we talk about?
*she can walk 2 steps
*she knows 4 colors
*she can roll to her belly
*she shit green

Soon their lives get more complex and you lose track. They get more teeth, some of them fall out. Some new ones come in. I have no idea how many teeth my kids have now. It’s just too much information at this point and if I’m expected to know every last detail, I’ll never have time for mowing the lawn or jerking off. Actually, I have no idea how many teeth I own either, but I’m sure it’s a lot.

The next thing they do is write a play.

My 14 year old son wrote a play.

The middle school put it on.

Now while I was vaguely aware that he was writing a play, I didn’t read or ask him what it was about. I was afraid of intimidating his creative process, I'm just impressed he was writing something. I’ve seen him Perform in plays and sporting events, but nothing of his own pure design. This was exciting.

The other piece of information is that he didn’t tell us that his play was selected to be performed by the school. Some Mom congratulated us, that’s how we found out. Alarm Bells?

Sitting in the dimmed theater I review the playbook and see the cast-list of characters. There’s a Mom, Dad and Son. A wave of Paranoia crashed over me. What if all these years my beautiful son actually hated me, and his first teenage act of defiance was to skewer me and my wife in front of the town?

I read more while people were seated.

There’s Hostages.
There’s a Bank Teller.

By the time I saw the Mafia hoodlums listed, I knew that I was in the clear, this would be fun. It's not about us.

The mom is an overworked nurse who has taken a loan from the mafia, before leaving the Father. The Father is an unemployed drunk, who is still in love with the Mom and tries unsuccessfully to get her back. The mafia wants it's money back but she spent it. The Dad decides that he will rob a bank to pay off her debt. The son agonizes over the split and tries to keep the family together.

When the robbery goes bad, the Dad is forced to take the bank customers hostage. The son is able to sneak past the negotiating Police and enter the bank, almost getting shot by the Dad. Infuriated, the Father promises the Police that the next person that walks through the door will get shot.

The son tries to talk the Father out of the bank and the Mom sneaks past the Police when she learns her son is in the bank.

The Father turns without looking and fires 3 shots into the Mom.

The play ends.

The other two plays performed that night were sweet and had happy endings, where people learned lessons, or the Popular kids learned to be friends with the Geeks. I can’t tell you how happy I was that he didn’t fall into that. His dialogue was hilarious, and like any good tragedy had lots of laughs.

My favorite line had the son concerned about the Father while they were waiting at home.
“Dad, I’ve noticed that you’ve been drinking a lot.”
“I’ve been thirsty.”

So I learned something new about my son for the first time in awhile.

*he shits green
*he can write!

post-american (haiku)

roaring off the tracks
falling, twisting carts of junk
driven into dirt

Irony Man

"There's no telling how many people have lost their lives as a result of the slow response."
- George W. Bush about the Aid response to the Cyclone in Myramar.

You're doing a Heckava Job Brownie!

Iron Man

This was awesome. I actually collected this comic as a kid, and would have been very critical if they screwed it up. They treated the storyline with great respect, and Robert Downey Jr. is beautifully cast as Tony Stark.

You dont have to know anything about the Comic to Love this Movie.

I'm inspired to build something in my basement.

and my dogs cant do a damn thing about it

How many Super-Delegates doe it take to Screw Up an Election?

angry.

starving.

If you build it they will eat

seeds
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I worked in my garden yesterday. I got the last of the cucumber plants in. My goal this year is to make pickles like my Mom used to make. I remember she had this big brown crock and the cucumbers sat in there will all kinds of smelly things and a Piece of Rye bread on top.

Best damn pickles I can remember ever eating.

I'm growing Brandy Boy Tomatoes (Big Pink Ones), Sweet Baby Girls (Cherry Tomatoes), Black Beauty Eggplant, Genovese Basil, Anaheim Hot Peppers, and Garlic Chives. I also have Spinach, which is probably my favorite food. I grew it 2 years ago and would go out at 6AM to pick some for breakfast. I'd heat it up in a cast Iron pan with Garlic, Olive Oil and Salt. That was an awesome breakfast.

I wasn't a good gardener last year and didn't spend much time caring for the plants or weeding. I didn't do a good job preparing the soil and the crop wasn't that great. It was better than 'store bought' but not as awesome as other years. I was apologetic when giving away the surplus. I wasn't proud of it so I didn't enjoy giving it away like I normally do.

If you spend a good amount of time on soil preparation, there's really not all that much more you need to do to have an awesome garden. I mixed in lots of Manure and grass clippings this year. I don't use weed killers and will use very little chemical fertilizers. My soil is well Aerated.

Last night I dreamt about gardening. It was a quiet slow dream and I watched myself create a second row of plants in the middle of my back yard. I tilled it, placed stones around the outside and put up a metal fence to keep those fucking dogs out. My hands were dusty brown in the dream.

I got up around 3 AM and took a piss.

When I went back to bed I had the exact same dream.

I really didn't mind, it's good to get your hands dirty. I like gardening because I think about my Mom. I think about my Dad when I mow the lawn. It's her birthday today so maybe thats part of the recurring dream.

In the dream I grew different types of colorful and textured lettuce in the new garden. Maybe it's a sign. Might not be too late.....

springtime (eight words)

all night
i dreamt
about my
garden.

really.

Over the River and Through the Woods to HotDog City I go (haiku)

The spell is broken
I now go kill the Dragon
You, wait here for me

Black

My 11 year old son’s favorite color is black. I know this because it has always been black. While other kids liked pink or blue or yellow. Ch@rlie has liked black since he could say it. He never wavered. He's stubborn like some of his parents. He's a middle child.

I love color. I love it so much I could call it Colour, but I wont, because that would be sickening.

I like to look at Red.

My wife likes yellow.

I could never get enough of Ch@rlie liking Black. I’d take him to BBQ's and when some know-it-all-kid/Parent combo tried to wow the crowd by counting to ten in Spanish, I'd have Ch@rlie announce his favorite color while pumping the beer keg for me. I could feel the jealous marveling of the other Dad's and felt cooler than the kids in Denim Jackets who used to smoke cigarettes on the bus platform. My boy was only four or so at the time. How proud am I?

So a few weeks ago I asked him what his favorite color was. I hadnt asked him in years and wanted a reminder of why I love this guy. “Green”, he said. What the hell is that?

Sigh.

bleh. (eight words)

wish i
could get
my shit
together today

PA's Appology to the World

I'm sorry we couldnt end this god-aweful nomination process. Did you see that stupid Debate? I watched for an hour and they didnt ask them a single question on their policies. This is what they should have asked:

Whats your plan to fix The Iraq Occupation?
Whats your plan to fix the Economy?
Whats your plan to fix Education?
Whats your plan to fix The Environment?
Whats your plan to fix The Engery Policy?
Whats your plan to fix our Position as a Global Leader in ANYTHING?

It's unbelievable how much has been screwed up and needing fixing because of bush.

I'm so frustrated. McCain would be OK if he wasnt so Pro-War. I dont agree with him on every front, but I do respect him. I cant vote for more war however, as this Occupation HAS to be stopped in 4 years when my oldest turns 18. We'll be out of able soldiers by then and drafting bigtime. I doubt the bush twins will be drafted.

Hilary is ok. Plenty of people feel threatened by her but I think she could still win and I like that she has Bill in the stable. I think the Reps want to face Obama however. They know that there are alot of White People that wont vote for a Black Man as President no matter what. These same white people would shit themselves if they realized Jesus was Black.

Why must I share my polluted air with so many pieces of shit?

On Eating

In Defense of Food
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

* I control 10 meals a week. Monday - Friday, Breakfast and Lunch are completely up to me. For the last 2 months I've eaten nothing but vegetables during these meals. I'm not against Meat, I'm against all the refined crap that is in my diet. I'm convinced it's poison.

For those 10 meals I dont eat anything with transfats, modified corn syrup, white flour, sugars, preservatives, or chemicals. I dont eats anything that has more than 5 ingredients. It helps alot that I have a Trader Joe's a few blocks away. On Mondays I buy a big of groceries and put it in the fridge. It's mostly raw vegetables and not much fruit. TJ's has alot of prepared Middle Eatern salads that fit my requirements. I DONT count calories and allow myself to eat as much as I want.

I guess my thinking is that if I add a significant amount more vegetables to my diet, it will balance out the other meals that arent so good. I'm a sucker for pizza. The good thing is that I havent had any problem sticking with it, although I feel kinda weird when people see me Microwaving a pile of potatos in the work lunchroom. Whole Food is a foreign concept in the Work Lunchrooms of America.

The good news is that I lost a few lbs and some pants size and it has stayed off despite my weekends. It takes some planning, but it very doable.

IFOCE
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

* The Iternational Federation of Competive Eaters just released their updated rankings. They typically update in the Fall (after the Krystal Burger Finals) and in the Early Summer (just after the Nathans Hot Dog Finals on July 4th). The IFOCE didnt do a fall update, and I assume this latest update is to reflect the eating [erformances of the end of last year.

I have been bumped up from 21st to 18th. I did well in Vegas and had a pretty good showing at Krystal Burgers eating 31. I also ate 6.5 lbs of Ramen Noodles in a contest sponsored by Nintendo in December. I dont think I mentioned that on this site. The FUNNY thing was that the contest was in the same building I used to work in Manhattan. 10 Rockefeller Plaza. I loved that place but never imagined I'd make my triumphant return using a pair of chopsticks! (ChopSticks were required in the contest!)

There's alot of excitement for this years Nathans Contest. You may remember my attempts to do 'The Duece' (eating 20 Hot Dogs and Buns in 12 minutes)In the last 2 years I struggled and failed to meet that mark. I will be competiting at the Constitution Center in Philadelphia on Memorial day for the Philly Nathans Qualifier. While I dont anticipate winning that particular contest, I will finally put the Duece to bed on my home turf. I've signed up for some other Nathans qualifiers and if I get in, I may be able to win one of those.

Major League Eating (the other name for the IFOCE) doesnt have room anymore for a top 20 Eater that cant eat 20 Hotdogs. The issue is resolved in my head, now just has to be resolved in my stomach.

MLE-Wii Game
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

* Nintendo is releasing a Wii Game about Competitive Eating! It's crazy, but I didnt make this up. It will actually be DOWNLOADABLE to your Wii over the wireless connection in a few months. My guess it will be half the price of a regular game. The game features actual eaters from the circuit! I didnt make it onto the game, but I cant WAIT to play this!!! I'll upload some demo pictures if I can find them! Can you imagine how cool it is for these guys to be IN a game??? I love this sport!

one more exit (American Sonnet)

the beautifully starving hearts of Suburbia
are unrolling their angst in a old Corolla hatchback this summer
hair sweeping out the passenger side window
in a 55 mile per hour pilgrimage to just anywhere else

a secret mission to see if the franchises are the same
from state to state

a perfect balance between youth and eternity

fall in love, one thousand times a day
the clumsy girl at the rest-stop
the old man with the blue gloves in the toll booth
that song

just go and keep that goofy smile til the fuel light comes on

until we find the other magnet thats been pulling all along
and snap them together with a click

FLDS (eight words)

polygamy sounded great until
i saw the outfits

On the El

On the El
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

The stainless steel train car is packed with maybe 50 people headed west, away from Center City Philadelphia. All of the seats are taken, so I am standing in the crowded aisle reading with one hand gripped on a bar above me. The book is about a boy that starved to death in Alaska.

A fat woman in all Red clothing enters the train car at one end and works her way to the back door. For her to squeeze past me, I have to stick my ass in some poor seated commuters face.

The fat woman in Red is handing out printed 5x7 cards. The paper is Manila. The ink is Black. I cannot see any recognizable logos. I wonder what it is about.

The fat woman hands out 49 cards. I was not offered a card. I am the only white man in this car.

We remain divided.

taking your world for granted (eight words)

Eventually,
every Stradivarius
gets forgotten
in a cab

Tagged

Steve Caratzas has tagged me with a challenge.

The rules:

1) Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

I tag Blanche, GnightGirl, Chris, Mega-Munch & Liz


My Six Word Memoir:
Laser Focus,
Textbook Performance,
Wrong Target.

Anticipation

I hate today and the wave hasnt even hit yet. This sucks.

Frustrated.

I’ve been training for a 10 Mile Race called The Broad Street Run, here in Philadelphia. I’ve run it twice over the last 8 years or so. It’s really a great race and kicks off the running season. The race is May 4th and I’ve been ramping up my mileage for a month and a half to be able to finish it.

The night before my surgery I ran 6 miles. I haven’t been able to run since….so about 11 days without any exercise. I can walk just fine, but get uncomfortable with any jumping action. Hell I’m sore by the end of the day from just gravity.

It just sucks because I had lost some weight and was doing really well, and then after the surgery I had to lay around and wound up drinking 2 cases of beer during that first week. I was trying to get drunk, not fat but wound up achieving both. You really dont make good food choices when you're crashed out on the couch for a few days, and when you have my capacity, it's a mistake to eat until you are full.

I’m going to try to run on the treadmill for a few minutes today to see how things are shaking, but I don’t know if my boys will be ready for the abuse of a 10 mile run.

I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t have a lot of the complications other guys had, but I’m just ready to get going and tired of just doing pushups everyday as my only exercise.

because I know (eight words)

Keflex tastes
like coffee,
if you
chew it