woke up forgetting what I'm so angry about
all the time
or why I hate you
the inertia of the whole thing
considering all the energy I put into it
I might as well stay the course
plenty of smug fuckers
say they wouldn't change a thing
should get punched in the eye
i wouldn't change a thing either
but only because
i don't know what else to do
and too tired
to do it
falling back to earth
raging winds pin my eyes closed
i hope you land first
opposing forces
rage and cancel each other
my paralysis
mother's scream.
three hundred
others stopped
dead silent.
The kid was ok.
We were at a wrestling tournament with 600 kids and their families in the building. It’s not uncommon to see a wrestler crying. Kids get twisted, stretched and bumped all day long and more than a few of them will cry after their match. It’s an emotional and physical investment to fight another person.
What is surprisingly rare is that a kid actually gets hurt during a match. Seriously hurt, broken bones, joints and muscles. Plenty of brusies and scratches but you never see anything more serious. Unlike sports like football and soccer, there is very little momentum when the kids come together, so there is no impact.
Something happened on the mat next to me and the kid must have gone unconscious for a second. His mom let out a howl that was so incredibly haunting as she streaked across the mat towards him.
Now realize people were already yelling at the matches already being fought in the gym. There was easily 300 people in this particular gym waiting for their own matches to come up but there was something in her voice that silenced the entire gym. I looked over and the kid was sitting up, looking confused. Her voice haunted me for the rest of the day.
Reminds me of a line from a Pixies song:
"..the sound that a Mother makes, when the baby breaks...."
Marine One,
Take this
burden away.
maybe Texas?
Sure, no one’s surprised that I might challenge myself against the Espresso machine at my new job. It's not the sort of thing I announce, but just something I do to satisfy my curiosity for the world. How else am I to know where I fit in on this planet?
The big problem was after my 5th successful Espresso. I was buzzing along getting some serious work done. The ipod is jamming. The Secretary comes in and has an announcement.
Secretary: “Hey Guys, the water department just shut down all the water for blocks, broken pipe”
SB (smirking and shooting back the 6th Espresso): Good thing I’m not drinking water then, bitches!! (to myself of course)
Secretary: “and the toilets aren’t working now, should be back up in a few hours”
SB: “oh dear”
I'm sorry about the death of Andrew Wyeth for alot of reasons. He lived just a few miles from me, and is one of the few painters I've admired. I'm only 20 minutes from his families Museum and I'm embarrassed to say I've never been. Another item for the list.
Things are moving along. I'm in the middle of my first full week at the new job. Mostly they have had me writing analysis of their current projects. I should be doing some creative production in the near future.
What's funny about this place is that there is no coffee in the office. No coffee machines, no coffee pots, no coffee ice cream. What they do have is Espresso. Several old fashioned Espresso pots and a new fangled Espresso machine that takes Espresso grind cartridges.
The problem is that I drink unknowingly when I'm busy and without any kind of volume to slow me down I have been drinking shots of Espresso all day long. My goal today is to drink one of each of the seven varieties they have available. Really, what else is there to do?
Great News!
I got the job.
I start tomorrow.
I also picked up a shitload of freelance work.
and now I'll be stuck working every night for a least a month to get both commitments fulfilled.
Being home I noticed that these dogs dont do shit all day. Seriously, they sleep all freaking day until somebody new comes home. I dont know what I thought was going on, but couldnt they be using their time more effectively?
What a life.
Time to get to work.....
The last two weeks have been pretty productive and I'm doing ok. I have spent my time trying to drum up Freelance work in anticipation of a long job search. I have spent my time looking for a full time job. I have spent my time seeing how great my freaking family and friends are.
The phone calls and conversations I've had over the last 2 weeks have been amazing as friends have texted, emailed, and called their offers of help and love. Sometimes I find myself consoling the other person.
The truth is that I'm in a corner and in some trouble without a job. The truth is that, ironically, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. The last four years have been a Crescendo of me settling for something that wasn't a right fit and allowing myself to become afraid. Terrified of losing a job I didn't want. It's a remarkable situation that was twisting my insides.
So I've been applying to other jobs that potentially could be in my price range. I'm going back to a more Creative Environment hopfully but not expecting to truly be happy with work.
So I have an interview last week with a local design firm. I have everything they wishlisted in the posting. And after some conversation I am starting to feel that I want this job. The interview is going well and I've shown them all my web work. He mentions something about 3D Rendering to make a point, and I pull out a whole portfolio of 3D Rendered Illustrations. He starts talking Print Design and I drop the mother load of samples on the table.
The conversation shifts to a place I used to work in NYC.
He mentions the name of a famous designer I used to work for.
I'm surprised that he's heard of this designer and I mention a few nice things about him.
He mentions that he once saw the designer give a presentation on some of the work that was being done in the office and how incredible it was. I let him go on for a minute or two about what he saw.
It was like somebody was throwing me a meatball to knock out of the park.
Because everything he saw that day and still remembers years later.....
Was drawn by me.
I may not get the job
There are a few more people Interviewing for the position
They may be younger than me
They may be cheaper than me
They may have bigger boobs than me
But I feel pretty good to know I have value again.
So the last few months have been somewhat hard on me. Business at work has been spiraling down and the tension within the hallways (and in my chest) has been spiraling up. A large part of the work done there is Hiring Services for other companies Nationwide (think background checks & drug tests). If nobody is hiring then there is little to do. It's been eating at me and I responded by stopping running and stopping sleeping.
Monday came and the announcement that WingBowl would ban all pro-eaters this year. (more on that later)
Tuesday I was laid off.
Wednesday I woke up with nowhere to go.
Surprisingly, I feel a little less stress now that I've been laid off. I couldn't control that event, but I can completely control my own job search. Currently I am looking for Full time work as a Graphic Artist or Interface/Web Designer. In the meantime I am looking to pick up as much Freelance Work as possible, as I once worked Freelance for 3 years straight without getting divorced.
If you would like to see some of what I do, check out:
http://www.livingstonvisual.com
My resume is located at the top of the that screen.
The website needs to be updated with my latest projects but the resume is current.
I design logos, build websites, flash animations, brochures and can truthfully say I am an 'Award-Winning' Illustrator for some of my 3-D Renderings. During the 2001 recession I did pretty well as a lot of companies dropped their Agencies and hired me to do their work (since I was the one doing their work via the Agencies anyway)
