Friday, September 30, 2005

Hurdy Gurdy Man

Butthole Surfers
Originally uploaded by steakbellie
I dont answer her the first time, because I assume that she talking to someone else. I've just closed the glass door to the cooler and as I turned towards the front of the mini-mart I almost knock her over.

She's good-looking, scantly clad and hopefully not talking to me. Hot girls always make me nervous.

"Are you headed North?" she says again. My body freezes taught and I lean back away from her. She's moved right up against me. I still have dried mud on my legs and I'm pretty sure my breath smells like beer. It's about 11 am and I havent slept in over 24 hours. I'm somewhere in North Carolina.

"I saw your Jersey Plates, I need a ride, can you give me a ride North?"

My arms are held out in a T like I'm about to be frisked by her. In one hand I have a cold 2-Liter of Pepsi, (Scott wont drink Coke) and in the other I have Fritos, The large bag. I crane my head looking for Scott, He's getting some Slim Jim's. I continue to stand frozen like a scarecrow.


I'm trying not to look in her eyes, because then I have to acknowledge that I have a complete stranger hanging on me in the middle of a convenience store.

Dont look at her eyes, Dont look at her eyes, Dont look at her eyes and she'll go away. Her body is up against me and I'm looking in her eyes.
"Please...." she pleads. "I really need help"

Now there are two things I am hardwired to respond to. The first is "Do you want a beer?". The second is "I need help". So I steady my exhausted nerves and speak the words any Maiden longs to hear...

We're in my Corrolla heading towards I-95, it's hot and the windows are open because the AC doesnt work right. There's an ackward silence as I drive. I catch Scotts eyes in the rearview mirror, he's smirking by himself in the backseat, he knows I'm uncomforatble and is willing to watch the show. Thanks Scott....

"I'm Candy" she says..."I really dont know how to thank you, she says with a smile." I look over to give her a smile (and peak at her short skirt) and I notice that she's got day old scrapes down both forearms and on her knees. Bad Ones. Any 8 year old boy would identify it as 'Road Rash', the particular way you look from skidding on asphalt. Her eyes are heavily make-uped and alittle red like she's been up all night too.

"Are you in trouble or something?"
Candy turns her arms so I cant see the cuts
"No.." she lies
"Why did you say you needed help then?"
"My grandmother died. I have to get back to Vermont for the funeral. I work in Florida"
"We're not going to Vermont"
"I know I just need a ride to the first truck-stop on I-95, I can hook up with a trucker there. My last ride left me here."
"Is that safe?"
"I know how to pick 'em"

Candy's fiddling with her backpack and I look back to see Scott smirking again.

"I need to find a way to make some money along the way..." she says letting her voice trail off, and I realize she's staring at the $60 we have in the ashtray. She catches me looking at her and holds the gaze.

I really dont know how to respond to that, and the optimist in me tells me that this poor girl is in trouble and didnt mean it THAT way. She's probably only a few years older than me, early twenties or so...Prostitution happens between skanky old men and fat drug addicts in stockings, not college boys and scuffed up hot chicks...and certainly not in little red Corrollas speeding up I-95.

"Well, what do you do?" I say my voice near cracking.

Without looking, I can feel Scott's smirk turn into a shit-eating grin.

"I'm an exotic dancer" she says and gives me a knowing look.
"Thats nice", I say and regret immediately. I'm blushing.

Scott is now laughing outloud in the back. She assumes he's laughing at her but he's laughing at me. Candy gives him a dirty look. He's a worldly guy and understands how things actually work. I know this and right now I hate him. Six hours ago, I talked a pack of Southern teenage boys out of kicking his Yankee ass. You'd think he'd be grateful enough to say something here. Still it's kind of funny, and I'm delerious enough to almost start laughing too.

We pass the 'Rest Stop-1 Mile, Trucks Welcome' sign, and she tells me again that she needs to 'make some money' Scott starts to laugh again and I turn on the tape player as my response to her.

What comes out of the speakers is "Hurdy Gurdy Man" by the Butthole Surfers. I think it was originally a Donovan song in the Sixties, but they redid it and the lead singer taps his throat while singing. It's the most bizzarre song, and I completely loose it.

Candy hops out of the car pissed off as soon as we park and we're holwing as we watch her hop into the first big-rig she propositions.
"She never said thankyou" Scott says on the verge of hyperventilating. We fall out of the car when the song ends and I spend the next twenty minutes sitting on the curb with tears streaming down my face with laughter. My tires flat and it's the goddamn funniest thing I've ever seen...

Bennett: Black Abortions Would Lower Crime - Yahoo! News

Bennett: Black Abortions Would Lower Crime - Yahoo! News
OK, I've heard it all.....

Thursday, September 29, 2005

We Like The Moon

If you have 5 fucking minutes of your important life to close the office door and turn up the speakers, than you should click this. I cant get enough.....



Here's a guardsman that was killed in Iraq this week. He looks about my age and his youngest looks alot like mine. It kinda hurts to see this picture because you get a much better sense of him than those stoic military portrait ones that they use.

Here, we're all worried about this country and the damage from the hurricanes, and George W Bush's love for war continues to destroy American families like this one. Fuck You George, Fuck You....

rain storm (haiku)

Originally uploaded by steakbellie

when the rain comes down
it brings back my memories
i pretend I'm there

Baby Strikes Again

2 more touchdowns last night.....

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Ridership Up?

MacPherson Square Station
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Apparently the gas crunch has boosted public transporation Country-Wide. I was noticing outloud that the SEPTA trains have been packed all this month. I read that there were 10,000 new riders, and I think they are all on the El! I welcome them and more to ditch their cars and ride Public Transportation. My commuting costs for an entire month are only $70!!!!!

It would cost me $70 to commute to center city for 2 Days by car!

Bombing for Peace is like....

Bush Counter Inauguration LA
Originally uploaded by reubenrivas.


This looks like a good show, and everybody says it is. I wanted to watch it halfway through last season, but I didnt want to start in the middle. Secret Underground bunkers appeal to me.

Here's some problem I have with the show.
It's obvious the writers have never been on a REAL plane. If they had, they're would be more than one fat guy stranded on that island. In fact they would be all normal fat people and maybe one good looking twentysomething. Everybody would sit around the campfire and talk about what they are gonna eat when they get rescued.

And why is the fat guy still fat? He should have dropped like 50lbs by now!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Sea of Love, Swamp of Desire

lusty old voyeur
a legend in his own mind
please divert your eyes

Monday, September 26, 2005

Screw these hippies, I say I'm a Centrist!

Thanks to DK for pointing this website out....

You are a

Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(60% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Logic Schmogic

Went to a baby dedication this weekend. It was at one of these non-denominational/charismatic/hand-waving churches that are held in office-like rooms with power-point slides, and a rock and roll band. Even when I was very spiritual, these types of churches made me uncomfortable....but this weekend, I was a guest at their church so I'm not gonna give them a hard time.

The pastor said the most amazing thing though. He said during the message that the direct cause of Social Security not having enough money was because of abortion. His point was that had all those babies been born the ratio of workers to retirees wouldnt be 5-1 (instead of like 14-1 when SS started)

What he failed to point out was that the ratio had been falling for 40 years before Abortion was made legal, and the retirement age had remained the same while people are living 15-20 years longer than they did when SS was invented. Many more of them live to qualify, and the ones that qualify live and collect for a much longer period.

I was right in the front, and I wanted to raise my hand and point that out soooo badly. I had to sit on my hands and not clap with the music or anything for the rest of the service.

Friday, September 23, 2005

The problem with the Baby....

There have been further developments in the article I wrote about the athletic prowess of my youngest son here. I dont think I did a good job communicating my feelings about this....and honestly it's not a problem but confusion & concern on my part, the kid's fact he's great.

I have a considerable amount of pride in the work ethic of my sons, especially when it comes to sports. I dont get too concerned about wins and losses because I want them to have both. All of my best and most vivid memories of their wrestling matches were matches that they lost. I praise courage shown...extra kisses for continuing to fight in the third period despite an obviously superior foe. I want them to push themselves when they are exhausted, and realize that their limits are much deeper than they suspected.

So what's the problem? The baby scored FIVE touchdowns last night.

Five. If I had him on my Fantasy Football Team it would have been good for 55 Fantasy Points, almost a whole teams worth.

I DONT demand excellence from these kids, but this one is delivering it.

Why the hell am I concerned? If he's a true Phenominum....It's completely unfamiliar ground...what can I possibly teach this kid? I know about sitting the bench, I know about being picked last.

How do I develop his talent? How do I keep him concerned with thing like school, and social relationships. How do I make him a man and not a dick.

I'm concerned about the relationship between him and his brothers. They play all the same sports as him. Last year the baby wrestled at the age of 5. Most of his oppenents were 6-8, and he won more than half of them....what happens this winter that he will be a similar age to his pool of opponents. How do I encourage them when they are losing, and the baby is winning match after match? The same issue with swim team, he had to swim with the 8 year olds this summer and (thank god) the only 8 year old that could beat him was his older brother....but it was always by inches. Next summer probably wont play out the same way.

Furthermore, the genetics are fascinating, how was he able to pull this off with my 50% DNA? Last week as he was running into the endzone for the second time, I told my wife "Well, that just proves I'm not the father!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Nazi Hunter

When I was a kid I had very little adversity in my life. Other than being lonely and having to dodge shoes thrown from my sister, I had it pretty good upon comparison to everyone I've met since. (except mamybe Birdy, that guy had it EZ!!!)

Things like the Bible, the Constitution, Jesus and the Founding Fathers all had equal weight in my heart. In fact to me, I didnt have much distinction between them. They made the rules and I was a good boy who followed them.

I took the "All Men Are Created Equally" to mean something completely different than what was intentioned. I thought that it meant that the sum of every person was identical. What I lacked in athleticism was balanced by my abilities in science. A girl with bad teeth might be blessed with talent for drawing Unicorns. Isnt that cute? What a neat little view of life!

As adults, I'm noticing that people do a similar thing. They assume that everything will be balanced out in the afterlife. Some CEO runs a company into the ground, stealing millions, ruining billions. Thousands of working families are hurt in the process. The CEO gets 5 or 6 years in jail. What do people say? 'He'll pay for his sins in the afterlife!' Maybe it's just a mechanism they use not to get too upset about things that they cant control.

Somebody who didnt buy all that Bullshit? Simon Wiesenthal who died this week. He hunted Nazi's the worldover for half a Century. Even when these guys were in their Ninties and nobody wanted to waste the energy to prosecute them, Wisenthal chased them down. He probably didnt have any faith that God would even the score later on!

How cool is it to be called a 'Nazi Hunter'!!!

Because we all look alike

I work in an office building. In order to enter the building you have to show your building security card. I'm not so important that I expect someone to remember me, but whenever I dont feel like whipping my wallet out to show my id to the same guard that I just said 'hi' to on my way out, he stops me and asks for id.

Whats funny is that of about 10 security staff I've seen, 9 are black. I've NEVER seen them ask any black office workers for id, and when I walk in to the elevator banks with my black co-workers, I'm the one that gets singled out to show id every time!

I wonder if I truly do look like the other white Schmo's in suits, if it's a passive-aggressive revenge thing, or just a courtesy from one black man to another

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Still the baby

Flag Football

I rush home, change out of my work clothes and run 6 blocks to the field. There is a crowd standing around my wife already on the sidelines.
"Nice Socks..." is my greeting.
"I was in a hurry" I say trying to figure out whats happening on the Field.

I spot the baby immediatley, he's got blonde hair that is lighter than his tan skin, today he's Quarterback instead of Wide Receiver or Running Back. Our other Quarter Back hadd CCD. Offense and defense are both down in a 3 point stance and the only head I can see is my son's, who's calling out a count prior to having the ball hiked.

Flag Football is similar to regular football except each team gets 10 consecutive plays on offense each half. Even if they fumble, they still get the ball back for the next play, but they must start back at the 50 again. If they gain yardage they can start the next play from there until they score. Because the kids are young, they do not wear pads or tackle. The ball runner is stopped by pulling one of his flags off of his belt. Most of the kids are 6 or 7 and have picked up the concepts of positions, blocking and tackling.

The ball is hiked and it's complete pandemoniuim as 22 boys run at each other. The baby rolls left 10-15 yards trying to find an open receiver. Four boys from the other team are nearly on him as he decides to tuck the ball and run with it himself. The baby runs straight down the 50 yard line to the opposite end of the field leaving his pursuers far far behind. He reaches the opposite sideline and turns left towards the endzone. He kicks it into his top gear and sprints through the middle of 7 or 8 defenders who cant get near him. It plays out as if he were a teenager having fun with a bunch of kids.

When the baby hits the goal line he doesnt slow but continues to run in a large arc around the goalpost back onto the field. He runs all the way back to the 50.

My wife yells out "Run, Forrest, Run!" to the crowds amusement.

The next several plays are various hand-offs and passes that dont gain any yardage, until the baby does a repeat performance of his 50 yard run.

I dont applaud this time, I turn and take in my surroundings.

People I dont know are yelling his name. Mothers of other players are smiling at me. The coach of the older football team comes over to talk to me at halftime about how he cant wait for the baby next year. It's all very weird for me as a father. I went crazy the first few games like this, but they ALL turn out this way.

My sons have seen some success and much failure at sports and I've always been proud of their work ethic. To me it's important that they learn how to lose, because in life they will lose many many times. I cant relate to the baby now though, at least like this, he's something far better than I ever could be. My other sons see it too, they know he's something different.

It's time for us to play defense, and the baby is still in. The coaches rotate the entire roster, except him. My son line up as a linebacker on the far side. The ball snaps and the opposition wisely runs to the near side away from the baby.

My son busts through the blockers and sprints into the backfield pursuing the running back from behind. The running back has good blocking and turns the corner towards the goal line. I think it's an impossible gap to catch the runner, my son is fast but to overtake someone from the opposite end of the field seems undoable.

The baby is within a foot of the runner by the 35 yard line.

In my head I see him about to dive at the runner and grab his flag.


He runs full speed PAST the running back to get in front of him, then turns around and runs BACKWARDS at the same speed that the running back is running forwards.

"PULL THE FLAG!!!!!!!!!" I scream, the crowd is nuts

He reaches out while running backwards in front of the runner and CAREFULLY grabs the flag from the runner at the 10 yard line. This exact senario happens 2 more times, backwards running and everything. In all he gets 8 tackles.

After the game I ask him why he didnt just dive at the kid and take the flag?
"I didnt want to knock him over" he says. People are fawning over him, and it's like he's a celebrity. He's not out of breath and barely sweating.

An hour later we're home and he's crying because he's afraid to go upstairs by himself. "Now that's something I understand" I think.......

Monday, September 19, 2005

Some of these are True!

Some of these are True!
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Magnets on the Steakbellie Family Fridge. You'll need to click on the photo to get a larger one to read.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Stale, Wet

The rain is pouring down into the city as I come up from the subway. I knew it was going to rain, and I have an umbrella in my bag, but I dont take it out. My wife placed the umbrella there as a kind gesture.

I dont use umbrella's because I dont believe in them. It's a weird thing to explain to people, so I normally just say 'I forgot my umbrella'.

Within the first city block my just-pressed shirt has darkened considerably and is stuck to my undershirt. My pants are wet. It will take a good hour to dry out in the air-conditioned office and even then I'll be wrinkled. I did not have the energy to wear a tie today so it remains home, pristine.

I look at the faces of the oncoming commuters. The are grimacing and squinting as the rain and wind attack them. My own face is relaxed and I can taste my hairspray in my slackjawed mouth. I must look pretty stupid.

I am approaching a puddle, and someone in my head thinks it would be ok to sit down in it. Just kinda plop down Indian Style in the middle of the sidewalk waiting for the water to carry me to the drains. I actually slow down while considering it. I realize that if I sit down, it's all over. I'll never go to work again and I might not even make it home....


Last night I tried to kill myself with a pile of hot peppers I grew in my garden. I cooked them on the grill soaked in olive oi, and garlic salt.

Today, I will try to end my life with countless cups of coffee and perhaps a salad.

On a National Day of Prayer

At the Linc
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
And would you also remember the various professional athletes on my Fantasy Football Team. They are from teams accross this great Nation, but to me they have come together as a family under the name "Fat, Drunk & Stupid"

May they smite their enemies to little bits upon thine fields of glory....and lord please deliver unto me a decent Quarterback if you choose to not place your healing hand upon Steve McNair...

Oh, and Thankee for the fine RunningBacks and WideReceivers

So let it be written, so let it be done...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

another shot of methyl mercury for my sole

distraction and frustration
paralysis and indifference
hitting send/receive doesnt bring me relief
so I hit it again to see if it's changed

feed the baby

babies are cool

when you first receive your baby, you'll find that they are a completly finite being. You could catalog almost everything about them and it will sum zero. How many words in Juniors vocabulary? Zero. How many times he's past-out drunk on the front lawn? also zero.

Early parenting is mostly escorting them through a long series of firsts: First Poop, First Bottle, First Sleep, First Tooth and much later First Doctorate. Soon those first words become a vocabulary, and you can list the words they can speak, and a month later that list has grown exponentially.

Many people fret over having babies "How can I possibly be a Mom when I refuse to own a mini van?" Potential Dads worry about what advice they will give. It's all for naught because for years you just have to follow these rules:
Dry things that become wet
Clean things that become dirty
Feed them when they cry

It's certainly not easy, its unbelievably exhaustingt, but it's not Rocket Science. Even I can do it.

My favorite part of food shopping was always the baby-food aisle. Thousands of jars in hundreds of varieties and multiple varieties. Dont be scared it's really simple. Pick out some jars that he likes, and them some that he's NEVER had before. Babies dont hide their expressions, so seeing them try liquified peas for the first time is almost as much fun for you.

I wish my life was that simple, that I could choose what jar I wanted for dinner, and what jar I wanted for dessert and I wouldnt have to worry that it wasnt a balanced meal or that it was deep-fried. Maybe Gerber should make jars beyond stage 4...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

No. 56


The Pledge

Somebody had the time and the money to pursue a case to make the 'Pledge of Allegience' illegal because it mentions God. I truly believe in the separation of Church & State, but I think it's a waste of all our time to go gut 'the pledge'. A judge ruled in his favor today.

For me the pledge falls into tradition and ceremony, two things I like very much. I like that my parents said it the same that my kids do. I think a passing reference to God is harmless.

I DONT like prayer in school as that a religeous community will dictate the meaning and usage of that and press it upon these kids. But things like 'God' on money and the pledge dont bother me.

On a slightly different note it's funny how Fundamentalist Christians often feel that despite the whole separation of Church and State thing, that the Framers were of the same beliefs as them. In reality, it was during the Enlightenment and most of these guys were Deists and used the God term in a 'higher power' kinda way.

Just seems like we should be doing more important things here. This kind of stuff effects people 'emotionally' instead of 'intellectually' and they will forget all about what a disaster Bush is and say "The Liberals want to make the Pledge Illegal!!!"

Monday, September 12, 2005

Closed For Renovations

Here's what we do....we close it down, the whole F'ing country. Bring everyone home and post huge 'closed for renovations' signs that can be seen from Europe. We stop the tv feeds, the movies, Internet, flights, all contact.

While we're closed we take all that money that we're spending on building bridges in Iraq, and fix our bridges. Those schools? The money goes to our falling apart schools. We paint EVERYTHING, even the paint.

Nobody is allowed to go to do anything but paint and clean. Plants some shrubs, mow the lawn...take care of our OWN country for once. Fix all the Levys, brush everyones teeth.

DisneyLand...TWICE as big....

We dont tell anyone what we're doing (except maybe the Canadians, I think they still like us alittle) and then when we take down the signs, and let everyone back in, we'll be a real country again. Something to be proud of....


Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Some of you familiar with this blog knew of this impending clash of titans that I've been training daly for from this article.I managed to stack on 15lbs from lifting and eating these last 2 months and I'm proud to say that not more than 13 of those pounds are fat.

The game was standard 2 hand touch, but was pretty rough on the line with lots of hitting to get to the quarterback. We played 8 on 8 and somehow managed to stay on our feet for 3 hours and 15 minutes when the triple overtime tie was broken.

There was ALOT of shit being talked during the game and there were some screaming at the rulings (we had a ref too).

This is the first year that noone broke fingers or a nose. My team won and thanks for a triple-tie for second, I was voted the MVP and got to take the trophy's on my mantel right now but unbeknownest to my wife, I'm building a shrine for it in our dining room. It gets engraved with my name later this week, and I'm considering adding another tier to it. Unfortunatley I have to give it to next years MVP, so I have to get all the mileage out of it that I can.

After the game we had a BBQ and kicked a half keg and then played Texas Holdem till I was too drunk to see, and just went all in on MAN day....

Sunday, was OK, alittle stiff but not too bad

Today I can barely move....bruised forearms, and the backs of my legs are on fire....I really dont care though, I can die happy now....I'm no longer the kid picked third from last in gym class

Friday, September 09, 2005

New Orleans Vacation

New Orleans Vacation
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Obviously a faked photo but it completely captures our feelings on how our President handles his office. I did not create this image and I dont know who did.

As with all my images, you can click on them to see a larger version

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Why we care

DK pointed out in the comments of the previous post that he believes it's in the nature of most Americans to want to help. I think he's correct. Almost everyone (except for a small person named 'w') has been humbled by life at least once. That 3am phone call, that intersection, that poor choice of hair colorant.

I once lost 2 cars, my furnace, my air conditioning, and all of my houses ductwork to a flood that was bad enough to be declared a Federal Disaster. The Red Cross is the real-deal as they were on the scene within hours for those families that lost much more.

I was naive enough to believe that my home insurance covered the losses. I still have no idea what home insurance actually does cover.

The experience gave me a great sesitivity to people in natural disasters. I was so fortunate in that I still had a house, a job and access to clean water and food. It probably took me 5 years to financially recover...and think how bad these people have it!!!!

It was my family, my friends and a generous employer that pulled me out of it. I was able to borrow enough money from my boss to buy sheet metal and fabricate a new duct system at nights after work. The sheet metal guy was kind enough to explain air handling dynamics, and My parents helped get the furnace and ac fixed. I took it in the ass on the cars.

For years I couldnt sleep when it rained...

It's an honor to give something's American

Slow Start

Philadelphia has responded to the need to help the victims of Katrina with 'Operation Brotherly Love'. Last week the city opened 2 closed schools and prepared them for 1000 people to be housed, fed, medically treated and provide education for kids indefinatley.

I have found the idea very exciting as it's an opportunity to help in a real way if giving money isnt enough. The whole region has responded with new clothes, toys, and volunteered time.

Only 38 evacuees showed up yesterday.

The biggest reson is that they didnt want to go that far from their homes. I can understand that, but I hope as word gets out about Phillys deep desire and ability to help, more people will come.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Jack and the Woman

Steakbellie has drifted off to a far away place....he hears a familiar voice calling him back....
Again that voice...what do these people want from me...
"Finish the story fell asleep..."
"What?, no I was thinking about something..."

My eyes are open again. The only light in the room comes from the bedroom door that is cracked open. I'm on my back on the carpeted floor, resting my head on a commandeered pillow. Two faces are waiting patiently for me to continue, the third face fell asleep when I did....storytime always knocks me out. It's much harder than reading a story too them....the dogs snuggle in to me on the floor, and you can hear the boys breath slow down....Yawn....

Kids love repetition, they can hear the same old story every night, maybe even the same story twice in a night. To keep myself awake I add small details and embellishments. I throw in quotes and details that only I understand and sometimes alter the storyline to see if they are paying attention.

I've never fully understood the moral of 'Jack and the Beanstalk'. The kid steals the Goose that lays the Golden Eggs from the Giant, and then when the Giant tries to get it back, Jack chops down the beanstalk killing the Giant. He lives happily ever after with his welfare mom.

I didnt try to add a moral to it but I have changed the story around...some of the changes are for unknown reasons.

The cow is always named 'Bessie'. The old wizard who trades him the Beans is kinda creepy and always asks Jack alot of questions like "Hows your Mom doing? Tell her Lumpy says Hi."...and their favorite version is when I replace the word 'Beans' with 'Woman'.

Jacks Mom was happy to see Jack was back from the Market so quickly. She rushed out of her bedroom...
'How much money did you get for Bessie?'
'an old man gave me this woman'
Mom looks at the woman and says 'How could you be so foolish Jack?!'
'but Mom it's a MAGIC Woman!!!'
'Jack! Go to your room!!!!'
Mom throws the woman out of the window and she lands in the fresh tilled garden.
From Jacks room he says 'Lumpy says Hi'

Of course the next day the woman has grown into a 500ft tall woman who's head is in the clouds. The other big changes are that the magical talking Harp speaks French and doesnt approve of anybody especially those characters from Aux Etas Unis. The Goose actually craps gold instead of golden eggs, and in the final scene the Goose gets freaked out and shits gold all over Jacks house, and his mom grounds him.

The only part my boys get riled over is that he's still grounded despite it being solid gold crap. I point out that adults are pretty dumb sometimes and it's not my fault that the mom did that.

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

More biting sarcasm from this weeks Onion

NEW ORLEANS—Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown, leading a detachment of 7,500 relief workers, moseyed on down to New Orleans Monday afternoon. "Well, I do declare, it's my job to see if any of these poor folks need any old thing," Brown said from his command rocker on the command post porch, adding, "Mighty hot day, ain't it?" Follow-up teams of emergency relief workers are expected to begin ambling into the Gulf Coast region as early as this weekend. "They should be getting the trucks good and warmed up anytime now, and they'll be cruising into town just as soon as all the reservists stroll in," said Brown, who is currently at his desk awaiting offers of food, water, and evacuation buses to roll in from "somewhere or other."

Bush Plans Katrina Probe

Also in todays news:
"Oil Companies Promise To Find Out Who's Making All This Money On Gas Prices"
"Cookie Monster Launches Investigation Into Who Ate All The Cookies"
"Homer Simpson Wants To Know Who Drank All The Beer"
"Steakbellie Is Out Of HotSauce And Is Pointing Fingers"

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

never to shy away from even the most painful events, this weeks Onion has ths to say....

BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq, representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, "You fight a national disaster with the equipment you have."

Anything worth doing is worth getting drunk first

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
I'm retarted

I know that

Two years ago a bunch of guys from my Poker game decided we should have a football game between all of the dads of the neighborhood. We actually took the time to plan it, and had it at a local school. We drank a bunch of beers and then picked teams out of a hat and played 2 hand touch for about 2 hours. It was and wives yelled from the sidelines. Somebody pulled a hamstring on almost every down.

We had a BarBQue for all the families afterwards and at the end of the night we casted votes for who was the 'MVP'...good fun.

Last year we had the game again, but this time nobody drank beforehand. I ran for several weeks to get in shape for it and so did most people. At the afterparty the MVP got an enourmaous trophy with a football player and two cheerleaders to take home for the year. It's his responsibility to get his name engraved on it, and then pass it along to next years MVP.

It part of my nature to 'up the ante' I know I should be focusing on my job and other things but honestly all I want is that stupid trophy. I've been lifting on a daily basis for about a month and a half, shit I was up at 5:30 this morning to work out...despite my need to lose weight, I've been eating like mad to buld as much bulk and muscle as possible.

Whats funnier is that I'm not the only one...I've been chcking ion with my buddies kids & wives...spying on them...and they are all doing the same thing to get that stupid trophy.

This year I had shirts made in blue and green, whatever color you pull out of the bag? Thats your team. Heavyweight cotton with silkreen fronts, silscreen numbered backs and each shirt has a 'Nickname'. You get assigned a nickname by random! The shirts have names like 'Knuckles', 'Gorilla', and 'Chick Magnet'. Also this year I had medals made for the winning team that will be presented in an Olympic Type ceremony...hopefully one of the wives will dress up like a cheerleader to present them.

We mock each other like school children at the Barbques...
Steakbellie:"You better hope you're on my team, cause I'm gonna hit you so hard you'll vote for me twice!"
Dave:"What, have you seen these GUNS?!!?!"
Steakbellie: I'm gonna hit you so hard you'll be the only guy in Heaven in a wheelchair!" (shamelessly stolen from Chris Rock)
Dave:laughs and then.."Hows the Potato Salad?"
Steakbellie: "Pretty Good"

Why do I care about all this stuff? Because I'm retarted....

Hope for the future

This Labor day weekend I saw something reassuring and inspiring. Kids accross my town had setup 'Lemonade' type stands and sold drinks or cookies to raise money for the Red Cross. My own kids teamed up with 2 other families and went to the dollar store. They bought a case of bamboo plants and a case of little plastic vases. They bought poster paper.

They assembled the plants and took turns standing on the street corner with signs directing traffic. They sold everything they made and made $130 for the Red Cross on top of what they spent. (I think they spent $5 on Lemonade from some girls up the street, but the money will get there...I mean hey...chicks)

1.The kids of America get it, they know people are suffering and can have sympathy for their situation. They WANT to help.
2. Kids arent boxed in by their singularity or smallness compared to the problem. Adults say 'What will my dollar do? What will my VOTE do?' Kids see a need and react within their spheres of infulence. Something we all should be doing....

Thursday, September 01, 2005

w stands for war

w stands for war well if this stupid war couldnt make you any more sick, the disaster in New Orleans has shown you where the Presidents priorities are. The Guardsmen we count on in natural disasters? They're over in Iraq. Not only are they getting killed over there, but now these poor soldiers have no idea if their families or homes survived.

How bout the money that was supposed to upgrade the levys? Bush sent it to Iraq instead. That war is his baby...his most proud accomplishment.

His was live on 'Good Morning America' this morning saying how we'll have no problem paying for both and more of that 'stay the course' crap because we have to protect America...he actually said that with thousands of dead Americans floating in muddy water....protect America NOW you idiot, right here!

What completley set me off was was when Dianne mentioned the exhorbitant profits the oil companies will be making off this tightened supply, he got that stupid smirk on his face that makes him look like Alfred E Newman.

Asshole, send your own money and family to Iraq, I want mine to go to New Orleans.