Friday, December 29, 2006

The night of Dec 29th

In the next few hours, I will be drinking with my friends, and Sadam Hussein will be hung. I hope to play well at cards.

Despite being against this retarded war from the begining (I was hoping we'd go get the guys responsible for 9-11 instead) I'm completely ok with hanging this asshole. Hundreds of Iraqi's are killed each week, some slowly tortured with cordless drills. One Dictator hanging by a rope shouldnt make a difference.

But it probably will. I'm worried for our troops that things will get worse right after he's killed. We need to get the hell out of there are send over bush, cheney, rumsfeld, and all the other idiots who lied to us and spent all of our money. These Neocons love war so much, they should see it up close.

I hope somebody with some credibility, morality and values can step up in 2007 and not these charletons who have been propped up by the Christian Right. Our country needs a new direction this year.

HEADLINE: SRF still taken so Nikki Taylor settles for some Racecar Driver

Casting Call

Anyone in the Philly area that is interested in being in a Short Promotional Wing Bowl XV Video for Steakbellie and Wing Kong please be at the top of the Philadelphia Art Museum Steps at 2pm tomorrow December 30th, 2006. We will be shooting around town all day but need about 30 minutes of your time for a 'Crowd Shot' at that location.


Thursday, December 28, 2006

An Artie Lang Exclusive

Artie Lang has uncovered a portion of my past that I was unaware about. After reading the evidence, much of my life makes sense now.


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

breaking myself

I have a large post about Wingbowl looming and this may turn into that post. There's an aweful lot going on that needs to get done in the next 36 days and now that Xmas is over it's pretty much the only thing (other than sex of course) that is constantly on my mind.

I havent posted too much about it but rest assured that I prepare in some way, EVERY day. I work out everyday now at the gym, and like when I trained for the Marathon 6 years ago, I have a constant limp, sometimes in both legs. My back hurts. My Achillies Hurts on my left side and the muscle makes a clicking noise when I walk down steps. I just got over a week of hamstring pain and my knees are more noisy than ever.


The cool thing is that the WingBowl marks my first full year in Competitive Eating. I keep very specific charts of my food training, and I was able to compare this years training against last years, and I am relieved to say I'm way ahead in several undisclosed ways. It would have sucked balls if I had to start at the bottom. You can get better at this just have to be careful at not getting fat.

For those of you unfamiliar with Competitve Eating, the WingBowl is the largest attended Eating event in the world. It's held every year in Philadelphia on the Friday before the SuperBowl at the Wachovia Center. The Wachovia Center holds 20,000 seats and this year it sold out in 24 hours. Think about that 20,000 people watching 30 men eating Chicken Wings for 30 minutes. Of course it's much more than that, as there is great pagentry and spectacle involved. Everyone is drunk. There are strippers. There are floats and costumes. All of this begins at about 6am.

The whole event is run by the Morning Radio Show on the local AM Sports Radio Station. You dont have to be a 'Pro' to try out in fact they prefer that you just be a local guy. Starting after Thanksgiving you can call the Radio station and propose a 'stunt'. On the air they will negotiate with you how much time they want you to eat your food in. Al and Angelo are pretty tough on the stunts and often make them double the qty or reduce the time. SURPRISINGLY, the people that call up to do their stunts are completely unaware if they can actually DO the stunt they are proposing....even more people will not practice it beforehand. If your stunt is accepted you are given a timeslot in about a week to come into the studio and do it on the air.

Since qualifying myself I listen to these stunts to get an idea what the competition is. They also post short videos of each eater that can be found here:

(some of the videos require Real Player to view)

They have my time listed on the page as 5minutes, but it was actually 3:34.

I find that I analyze everyones stunts and imagine how I would do it differently. Most of these people have set themselves up for failure. The people who fail to qualify often have the best videos to watch though.

This years format is slighly different in the prize structure. Only 5 out of town pro's will be allowed to compete. Unlike other years, they wont have to do a qualifying stunt. The five pros will be hand picked from the IFOCE. The remaining 20-25 eaters must be from the Arbitron Listening Area to be considered for Qualifying. The theme is 'Philly Versus the World'. I am being considered a local for this competition.

There will be an overall winner who will be given a Suzuki Grand Vitara. There will also be a Local Winner who will be given a Suzuki SX4. If a local person wins overall they will get BOTH cars.

So whats the big deal for me? There are only 3 pros that are ranked that live in the Philly Area. Humble Bob (who's video is currently not posted), Wing Kong (who is listed as Micah) and myself(who's name is mispelled). From looking at the disposition of the other locals who have qualified so far, the SX4 will likely go home with one of us three.

Wing Kong and I are closely matched. His chances are probably similar to my own. He's not the Man to beat though so I dont mind sharing my training info with him. I want him to do really well. I want him to get second place.

People who have an understanding of Competitive Eating would put Humble Bob as the front runner for the local bracket. He has had a phenominal year and has eaten DOUBLE of my final total in several contests this year. He's that good. He's rated as fifth in the world, and that might be an underestimation.

Can he be beaten? Yeah. Can I beat him? I'm going to try.

It's doubly hard because he is both a generous and caring person & an unflappable fierce competitor. He's always given me great advice on training and competing and offered understanding and encouragement at my failures.

It would be a great story if I did win, but I know that most of the Pro's would assume my totals were incorrect. I understand that, the WingBowl is infamous for questionable totals, and Bob should beat me 10 out of 10 competitions....but what I also remember is all the people...all of the people with biking experience who told me I could never ride a bicycle accross the country. People who said I couldnt run a marathon at 220lbs, or stay married, or be a good father, or have my own business. All of those people had very good reasons for their opinions. I listen to what they say and then fight to make it wrong. It's not easy, I'm very hard on myself.

Me? I'm a mess, but I have the support of my family and a bunch of friends who dont realize what I'm up against here. They love this whole thing and are just happy to go and cheer me on. I have this burning desire to win and to be the very last man standing on that stage, with a plastic crown on my head and a rubber chicken in my hand.

I know how crazy it sounds, yet I am so stubburn and ignorant I'm going to try anyway. I'm going to try to win, and I'm going to try everyday I wake up for the next 36 days. It's not going to be an accident.

Friday, December 22, 2006

December 22nd 2006 (haiku)

my brain is rusting
i wish i was somewhere else
no, anywhere else!

Apparently some of you are more anonymous than you think

I switched over to the NEW blogger yesterday. It took about 30 minutes, and I was pleased and disappointed that my blog looked exactly the same afterwards. As Birdy and dK noted, some of the comments got converted to anonymous during the conversion. Hopefully that was the worst of it.

This better be worth it or I'm gonna demand my money back......

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Your Input Please!

I'm going to try to update my site abit. dK has mentioned a story that I wrote over a year ago as a favorite, that should be linked. Does anyone else have any favorite/memorable posts/haikus of mine that I should include along with it? Fell free to let me know what you liked.

I also intend to update to the new blogger, although it keeps telling me I'm not eligable....crumby cliques...

God, we look dumb.

Rachael Ray Cant Take 'No' for an Answer

So I actually ran into Rachael Ray yesterday.

The bookstore is mobbed and I have my usual look of befuddlement. The crowd is diverse and just standing around in their coats. Noone is looking at books.

There is a Security Guard Blocking the Escalator and I attempt to walk around him, because really...why would he want to keep ME from the third floor???? He turns to me from the mob of close to 100 and mumbles directly.

Security Guard: "Are you here for the Rachel Ray Event"

Steakbellie: (just hears the name 'Rachel Ray' and knows immediatley that she must really really like me alot to show up in my head TWICE in a week) feinging misunderstanding "What?"

Security Guard still mumbling: "Are you here for the Rachel Ray Event"

Steakbellie: i get it this time, Rachel Ray must be here signing books on the third floor. "No, I'm not Ray"

Security Guard now mumbling angrily: "Are you here to buy a book?"

Steakbellie: "Clearly" (OK I didnt really say that I just said 'Yes' but I sound alot wittier if I edit the text.)

Security Guard making room for me to get on the escalator: "Oh"

I looked at all the jealous hoards as I ascend to the floor that holds Rachael Ray. Suddenly, everything is Rachael Ray. Cardboard cutouts, stacks of books, calendars. There are more people on this floor too, but these people have special wristbands...and they are all holding books that they want her to autograph. They are Men and Women. They are Young and Old.

Everyone is chatting nervously, but the common word is:

Rachel Ray
Rachel Ray
Rachel Ray

I wonder for a moment if everyone calls her Rachel Ray. Do you think her Mom just says Rachel, or maybe even just Rach?

All of this attention. All of this buzz, I am swayed to believe she must be more important than I ever imagined. She must be Eight Feet Tall, and er farts must smell of Lavender.

God speaks to us all through the overhead speaker:
"Attention: Miss Ray has not arrived but will be here shortly. For your safety, you will be called to the third floor by the numbers on your wristbands. We can only allow Fifty at a time."

I look at some books and waste time till she shows. It would be pretty ironic if I saw her days after mentioning her on my blog. After ten minutes, I am overstimulated by the crowd of worshippers and suddenly have to leave the building. I get this same reaction in crowded malls. I know once she gets here here enterauge of handlers, publicity and Secret Service staff will just be too much. I give up. I'm leaving. Audi 5000. Good Bye Rachel Ray.

People watch me descend from her perch and wonder if I am somebody important. Perhaps her Manager? The second and first floors have gotten deep with people holding green books.

Everyone is waiting.

It's cold outside, and I'm glad to be free of breathing other peoples air. There are news vans. I wonder if she will be brought in by Helicopter. By Space Shuttle. By Armored Humvee.

Walking towards me is of course Rachael Ray. All alone. Ha.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

"Lost in the Flood"

"Well the blaze and noise boy, he's gunnin' that bitch loaded to blastin' point
He rides head first into a hurricane and disappears into a point
And there's nothin' left but some blood where the body fell
That is, nothin' left that you could sell"

Monday, December 18, 2006

Kettlebells will fuck your shit up.

I took a beginner Kettlebells class last Monday at my Gym. The owner of the gym asked me why I wanted to try it.

"Because it looks hard"
"Thats a strange answer"

Kettlebells are metal weights with a handle. They have you do various repetitive movements while holding said bells. It's Aerobics with weights. It was invented by the Russians in the 17th Century to get their soldiers strong. Many of the people in the class take Karate or are Ninjas in their spare time. Some of the movements and poses are similar to Pilates or Yoga. I am good at none of those things.

I have been lifting weights pretty regulary since summer, so you wouldnt expect too much trouble adapting. My ass hurt for 5 days.

I took the beginner class again today, and I can already feel this weeks dose of pain climbing my ass into my lower back. Hopefully it will only hurt for 4 days this week.....

I am Time's Person of the Year

In a previous post "Annonymous Coward" pointed out that I am Time's Person of the Year, and that it was a stepping stone to my goal of being People's Sexiest Man Alive.

I'm conflicted about all of this.

Time pretty much just pussied-out and nominated EVERYBODY who's ever posted anything on the web. They probably should have made that idiot George W the Person again, as he did the most to influence the world (albiet in the most incompetant of ways) and killing 150,000 Iraqis, 3,000 Americans, and several Trillion Dollars that was borrowed from the countries that dispise us. I would say he should be it. (In fact it's pretty funny that you could absolutely say that the WORLD would be a better place had he OD'd on Coke, or killed himself on one of his DUI's)

I wouldnt mind sharing the award with a few well chosen people, but I have to share it with about Half A Billion.

That sucks.

I intend to outlive all of you, so that I am the last surviving winner. I thought about killing everybody else, but thats alot of work.

When it's just me, they can reprint the cover with my ugly mug on it and I can hang it on my wall.

SB:"You know I was Person of the Year back in 2006"
Not POY2006:"Wow"

i could always self-medicate (haiku)

a shit-storm within
my own private pandemic
such a cry-baby

Friday, December 15, 2006

the lone push pin on the open bare floor

you havent noticed it until just too late


can there be such a duality?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Attention All Employees

First I'd like to congratulate everyone on another successful year here. I am happy to announce that this year, you will be able to 'Make Your Own' Christmas Bonus. Please look in the break room for all the supplies you will need.

We have provided: several packs of multi-color construction paper, glue, glitter, smelly markers, safety sissors (one green handled ones for you awkward leftys) and some dry maccaroni.

Feel free to contruct your Christmas Bonus during your lunch break or even after hours. Please be considerate of others and construct only one Bonus per Employee.

Happy Holidays

Worlds Tallest Man Saves Dolphins

I read about this, this morning and it struck me as sweet and TVish.

Two captive Chinese Dolphins ate a plastic pool liner, and the vets were unable to remove the pieces with their tools. They called in the worlds tallest man to reach down into their stomachs with his long arms and remove the blockages.

Since when do the freaks get to actually use their freakdom to do something important in real life? It's the stuff of every comic book. It's the stuff of after school movies. Hell, it's the basis of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!

"The Dolphins are choking! someone get the worlds tallest man!"

"The remote has been kicked under this very heavy Mr Universe!"

"The computer system is locked up and the Dinosaurs are running all over the Island...get that super smart twelve year old girl who is a hacking genius!!!"

I applaud you world's tallest man, you and your freakish abilities. You are reject to the village no-more! I exhalt the genius who actually thought to call you in the first place, and I would like for him to know that I can eat lots of stuff fast...just in case there's an emergency that requires that sort of thing....

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Forgiven for being, like famous

This person is an asshole.

I read those trashy magazines, because I like hearing about when bad things happen to Britney Spears, or any of the cast of Friends. I adore hearing the dumb things they say, because it make me feel smart. I love when they make trainwreck decisions because I know I'll feel better about myself when their lives fall apart. Yes, I really am that simple.

Some people think I shouldnt be hateful like this but I think it's healthy. I can feel true sorrow and empathy for a stranger. but these arent real people, they are free to hate!

This particular asshole was so drunk that she drove the wrong way down the highway. She's famous for being the daughter of someone famous. (isnt that the best kind of famous?)

Nothing will come of all of this and the real tragedy is that she endangered the lives of REAL people on the highway. Had it just been Heiresses coming the other way that would have been ok with me though.

So they show this mugshot of her on the TV last night and my first thought is..."Thats the best photo she ever took!"

Monday, December 11, 2006


Holly crap I'm in pain!

Important Memo from Secret SpyMaster General

It is with regret and annoyance that I have left my secret cave to write you this email. Recent events in the covert world of super-agents have brought our profession under considerable scrutiny from the public. We look unprofessional here, people.

The next time you need to kill someone, PLEASE USE YOUR OWN bullet, knife, or a pointed stick. Someone took MY bottle of POLONIUM-210 that was in a brown bag CLEARLY label with my name in the staff refridgerator. What's worse they spilled it on four different airplanes, a stadium, a sushi bar, and the controller for my new Nintendo Wii.

If anyone knows the identity, of the person who took my property please leave the name in my mailbox, so that I can give them a serious talking to, and get my controller replaced.

Also, This years Christmas Party will be held at an undisclosed location, please RSVP if you have not already done so.

Rachael Ray petitions the court for my attention

I'm only vaugly aware of who this person is. Without knowing for certain, I'm assuming that she's one of these personalities that Oprah Winfrey shits into existance every other year or so.

I know that people like her because she's spunky.
I know that people hate her because she's spunky.

Suddenly she is throwing herself before me on Wheaties boxies, and cans of Cambell soup. Anusol has a special 'Rachael Ray' branded package. She is on magazine covers. She has a line of vanilla scented garbage bags.

Has her fame been a crescendo or is it as sudden as it feels for me? What does she do? Was she photographed with Paris Hilton or something?

Friday, December 08, 2006

one of the reasons you are an asshole (eight words)

you dont even know
what you dont know

this is my normal (haiku)

head full of static
give me silence and smiles
wouldnt it be nice?

misdirection (haiku)

if i wasnt here
i hope i would be somewhere
not just anywhere

Thursday, December 07, 2006

A corner of Heaven that I am not allowed to visit

Believe it or not there is an eating contest in Boston that requires you to write a Haiku to enter....WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? I'm not allowed to enter that sort of thing unless it's sanctioned by the IFOCE. The requirements are that you include the words "Momo" which is some kind of meat dumpling, and the word "Tremont647"

Fellow Eater and whipper-snapper Erik the Red believes he's got game at the dumpling table, but would no doubt fall prey to my 5-7-5 bite-chew-swallow eating style in such a blended discipline. Here is a smattering contest entries to make him think twice.

i yearn to compete (haiku)
outside looking in
tremont six forty seven
momo never mo

a place at the table (haiku)
Momo meat dumplings
Oh tremont six four seven
Let me eat my fill

and what i show up anyway? (haiku)
no momo to go
tremont six forty seven
can you make enough?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

2ft Hoagie, Half Gallon of Lemonade, Small bag of chips 3:34

In the Studio
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
I beat the freaking time by 2 minutes!!!!
Noone was more surprised than me. I'm home and getting changed right now (lemonade is sticky) but I feel great. Alittle full but nowhere near the pain when I did the trial runs. My best trial time was 5:23...and I wasnt allowed to dunk in the studio!!!!

Off to work!


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Wing Bowl 15 Tickets sell out in 24 Hours

Tickets for this years Wing Bowl went on sale on Monday and al TWENTY THOUSAND seats were gone by Tuesday. Remember, we're talking about watching 30 people eating chicken wings for 30 minutes, not Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

It's just too big to believe sometimes......

i'm ready.

I've eaten my last meal, and now it's just a matter of waiting for time to pass. There's plenty to do here at work so I'm doing it. Once I get home, I need to get the 2ft Hoagie, Lemonade and Chips from Wawa. Get my Kilt and stopwatch together. Take the kids to wrestling practice and then bring them home and clean them up for bed.

Once the boys are down I'll take a long run to burn off any excess energy and give myself some alone time to think about what needs to be done. The biggest issue will be weather or not they let me dunk the sandwich slices in the lemonade first. Anytime you need to eat bread fast, it's wise to get it wet first. I've only practiced the stunt with dunking. That part is out of my hands, so I need to let it go.

I'm looking forward to watching my buddy Wing Kong Qualify at the 7am slot...I'm REALLY looking forward to attacking that food like an animal and claiming my own spot. I want to be up on that stage again.....

Pigeon Man in the Park (eight words)

bread crumbs
lots of bird crap

Monday, December 04, 2006

i'm bored of me (haiku)

at least you can leave
i go whereever I go
just cant get away

will miss you baby bird....

lets get this over with (haiku)

over and over again
i'm pre-living it

On Edge

I found out this morning there may be some changes to my stunt on Wednesday that could make something hard drastically harder. I wont know what the status is until I get to the radio station. I was just feeling really good about the whole thing too


Friday, December 01, 2006

Agent Thirty-Nine Knows

It was just a gut feeling and some circumstantial evidence till now...but it's a whole lot more circumstantial evidence. (How much do you hate the Romans? ALOT! Alright you're in)

But this case....
this case is just too important to the world to spoil with something like truth.

it's like digging up the treasure
taking a look
reburing it
and never mentioning it again

damn you Agent Thirty-Nine

I'll bet he wears white after Labor Day.

The Mom-Dad-Jesus-Santa Negotiations

Mom and 10 year old are having a conversation about what he wants for XMas. Mom warns the boy that every store is sold out of the Nintendo Wii and that he shouldnt be too upset if he cant get one this year.

Ch@rlie to Mom: "I'm going to pray to God that I get a Nintendo Wii for XMas. I'm going to tell him that if he gives me it, I'll give away my Playstation 2 to somebody."

Dad sensing that thousands of his dollars that he's invested in the last 5 years in the Playstation 2 System are at risk, reacts with lightning speed....

Dad: "You cant give away the PS2, how will you play all those games I bought?!?!"

Ch@rlie answers slyly: "I'm not going to give it away, I'm just going to tell him I am. How's he gonna know?"

Mom gives Dad dirty look.

Dad is uncertain how he's at fault for this mindset, but puts his tail between his legs and lopes out of the room anyway.

Take this cold from me

I feel like complete crappy-crap-crap.....