Friday, June 30, 2006

The Sweet Smell of Mediocrity

Ironically, used to be that when I heard Ozzy Ozbournes 'Crazy Train' I thought of Cotton Candy. I wont tell you why, but thats what I thought of...Cherry Vanilla Cotton Candy (thats the standard pink flavor)

Now by some bizarre twist of fate I am standing on a stage, in the middle of an outlet store parking lot Somewhere in Lancaster, PA. A few hundred people are watching me, with a volitile mixture of disgust and sexual desire.

I spot some Amish.

Crazy Legs and Eater X
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Crazy Train is playing over the loudspeakers and my hands and face are caked with Molasses and crumbs, and at the moment I am slightly headbanging to Randy Rhoads guitar solo (not enough to be embarrassing, but enough so that all the watchers know I am old school. I am eating ShooFly Pie Pie...lots of it, and it's MUCH better than it sounds, well at least the first piece is.

I've been honored enough to be seated at the head table (actually I'm standing) but I'm on the end, which is pretty much the 'no chance in hell, but he looks good in a kilt' position. The real battle is being fought between the four eaters in the center.


Humble Bob
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Great names in Eating: Humble Bob, Brian Subich (both PA Eaters!) Crazy Legs Conti, and Eater X. It is my first time meeting Conti and X, and they are are friendly and gracious. The kind of guys you'd want to have some beers with and then shoot with paintball guns...or cow-tipping if you have access to that sort of thing.

Eater X holds the record with 6lbs of ShooFly, and with the great numbers he's put up this year, I expect him to beat it.

Behind the main table are four happy Eagles Cheerleaders. They bounce and shake their pom-poms.

The pie is somewhat firm like a pecan pie, but more sticky because of the black molasses. This particular pie is the 'wet bottom' variety. My stategy is to avoid eating as fast as I can. Yes, to slow down alittle, and eat at one consistant speed for the entire 8 minutes. I keep a slice in one hand and water in the other. I'm taking smaller bites than normal, and clearing my mouth before taking another bite. This works out pretty good for me and I am working on the last slice when the announcer yells that Eater X has finnished his first pie.

Each 10" pie weighs a whopping 2.6lbs....things slow down after the first one but I manage to keep an even pace. The annoucer yells with excitement when Humble Bob and Eater X start their third pies.


Wing Kong & Steakbellie
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
This is the hard part of the competition. When it's clear you are not going to be the surprise winner, you're not going to be carried on the shoulders of the Amish with Eagles Cheerleaders chanting your name with busty exhuberance. Nobody is going to raise a barn in your name or invite you to stay for the filming of 'Pimp my Ride, Buggy Edition'. Your stomach is Thanksgiving Full, and boy is it uncomfortable. There's still several minutes left and all this freaking pie...pie! pie! pie! Where is the closest garbage can?


Dave Mega Munch
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
I bring the hammer down again, I'm close to finnishing my second pie, and that would be a good clean number to eat.

My good friend, Wing Kong is seated at one of the two side table. I would love to give him a hard time and say they were 'kid tables' but the bastard out-ate me. We like to go to these contests together to share each others company, but mostly so we know that one is not sleeping with the other's wife.

The 8 minutes is up and I am wet with sweat. The people with Carnival Hats and ID's that say 'OFFICIAL' are weighing the pie plates to determine the winner. I'm pacing like a cat, and I notice that none of the 20 or so other eaters are very social now either. The sugar and butter have brought me right to the edge of puking. The Cheerleaders eyes dart back and forth, disgusted at what they've just seen, nervous that somebody might soon yack on them.


Brian Subich
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
The winner is announced and it's bitter-sweet. Eater X has shown great strength and broken his own record by 2lbs. The guy ate 8lbs of shoofly pie! The $2,000 however belongs to Humble Bob, who ate 9lbs.

Many of todays top eaters are single, and thats why I'm deeply impressed with Bob's performance this year. Competetive Eating forces you to undergo a lifestyle change that effects many aspects of your homelife and it's much harder to make those changes when you're married with kids. Everyone is effected by what you do, so Bob's win is a tribute to his discipline, and his family's support.


Steakbellie & Ch@rlie
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
My son gloms a free pie and we force him to keep it in the trunk for the ride home. Two days later I see the pie in the fridge, and have a slice....

Yeah....That's Good Pie....

1. Humble Bob Shoudt - 9+ pounds 8 minutes ($2000 prize)

2. Tim “Eater X” Janus - 8+ pounds ($500)

3. “Cincinnati Kid” Nathan Kunce 5.5 pounds ($100)

4. Crazy Legs Conti - 5.4 lbs

5. Brian Subich - 5 lbs range

6. Micah ‘Wing Kong’ Collins - 4.9lbs

7. Steakbellie - 4.6lbs



Dave Shoffner, the author of megamunch, ate 2 lb. 7 oz. in his eating debut! Awesome Dave!


Thursday, June 29, 2006

Operation removes lightbulb from anus - Yahoo! News

You heard about this and the girl with the coke bottle a million times growing up...this ones actually from Reuters! Lets just call it a bright idea...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I'm drinking. punking out, and cooking a huge pot of ratatouie....

"No, I dont think I'll ever get over Macho Grande"

cornered in a crowded train car
quiet bodies pressed together
we all find a place to stare

the airconditioning cant keep up
and the windows are wet from our breath
the crome handholds are damp

i glare at the same rusty landscapes going by
chipped paint over iron rivets
weeds splitting cracked concrete

how do hardened hearts still beat?

Monday, June 26, 2006

People who need People (are the luckiest goddamn motherfuckers) (haiku)

make me a Gaucho
I will shed this shirt and tie
Boleros in hand

Wet Bottom (haiku)


shoofly.JPG
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
you are eating what?
is this really what you want?
now; whats eating you?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Nathans QVC Results

Nathans Hotdogs and Buns 12 minute contest results

1. Seaver Miller, Virginia - 21.5 HBD's
2. Buffulo Jim Reeves, Buffulo NY- 20
3. Steakbellie, Motown Philly - 18
? Super Paul, Atlanta- ?
? Justin Mihn ,MASS- ?
? Brandon "Thunder Lips" - ?

It was very exciting as everone was close! Seaver won a HUGE QVC gift basket....great guy. My kids report that I was leading for the first 8-9 minutes by a hotdog before being overtaken at the end.

The event was held in a beautiful glass covered three story atrium at the QVC Studios in West Chester. All three were PACKED with screaming employees...plenty of young corporate hot chixfor you single guys. Supposedly it was televised on QVC and will be on QVC.com sometime today. I'm not sure I'm ready to view it yet.

There were at least 15 eaters maybe more, with some QVC Staff and at least one QVC personality mixed in. The studios are truly beautiful and the people are very nice. As with most of these food competitions, the eaters are just the sweetest 'family' type people who you just want to hug. I recommend that you hug one, just do it BEFORE the competition so you dont get any puke on your shoulder.

"Thunder Lips" brought some kind of firework that blew off confetti when you pulled the string. Seaver brought a 5-month old baby which is even more impressive than fireworks. Super Paul had the biggest smile and had more fun than anybody yuking it up in front of the crowd. I brought my three blondies, who screamed and scremed for me while I stuffed myself sick. You wouldnt believe the amount of sweat on me by the end.

"Thunder Lips" Dunked his hotdogs in Applesauce!!!!!! Isnt that novel???? There we a few eaters from QVC that I recognize from Philly, and I regret I cant remember their names right now, my head is swimming in meat.

Despite being physically spent I feel GREAT about hitting 18 dogs. Thats two away from the DUECE, but that is a mountain for another day, for now I can turn my affections to Shoo-Fly Pie (what!?!?)

Thanks to everyone for all the encouragement, my wife for putting up with my obsessions and all the help with my costume, Wing Kong & my sons for the training help, The Artie Lang Family of QVC watchers, Humble Bob for the push to sign up for QVC (I was gonna retire dogs for the year)...stay gold Pony Boy, stay gold......

I'll post a photo gallery later on today!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

P A I N


in this rusty Town everybody wants to be Rocky or Rocky II. I can understand that, even if it's wrong.

Sure, be the underrated guy with a big heart who tries his best and wins in the end. The one whose dreams come true. Run those goddamned steps.

I'd rather be the guy that hurts that guy.
I want to be
Clubber Lang.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

couple things

* If I jump off the low roof on my garage onto a plywood table, it would only take .39 seconds to impact it at a speed of 12.48 feet per second. Not accounting for wind resistance. The collion would result in 376.2 Newtons of pressure being applied to the plywood (hopefully) I have yet to find much good info on the breaking strength of plywood, but I will let you know.

* The karate guy at my work recommends I hit the table with my shoulder instead of back. Higher psi.

* I will be on National TV this Thurs June 22nd. Channel:QVC 11:45 am. (It's possible that it's being taped then and not live) The producers mentioned something about some excessive hotdogs lying around, and I couldnt find anybody else to help them go away....."Yeah, I can hang out for 12 minutes or so, can I bring my kids?"

T E N (fo' sheezy) (Haiku)

first you were early
and scared the shit out of us
i'm glad you came late

Friday, June 16, 2006

Daydreaming about Bunnies and Rainbows

I'm wondering what it would be like to be body slammed through a folding table like they do on Professional Wrestling. Why the hell does that appeal to me?

My guess is that you'd have to hit it dead center and hard with something broad like your back. Hitting it too soft will cause the table to only crack and you'll get hurt. Hit it with some serious momentum and all of your kinetic energy will go into breaking the table in half and you will pass through to the floor with much less speed.

I have 2 tables that would be perfect for this, but I would need something tall to jump off of, or have someone tall and strong enough to throw me down on it with enough force.

It occured to me during the Nathans contest that they used folding tables of the correct type, but I didnt want to embarrass myself (said the man in the kilt eating all the hotdogs) if it didnt break properly and I got hurt. Acouple of those guys were more than big enough to smash me through.

I think my wife would hit me with a folding chair if I tried this so I'll just keep it a fantasy. She thinks I'm crazy, but I'm not...I'm just a very curious boy. I mean am I supposed to pass through life never knowing for sure how many chicken wings I can eat in a sitting, what it's like to swim across the Chesapeke(she doesnt know about that one yet) or if I'm good enough to sing for Menudo? There's no coming back from the grave you know, so I need to fit all this shit in while I'm still breathing!

Hmmm...maybe if I jump off the garage roof I can get enough speed....
:)

Britney...can you handle my truth? (haiku)


you are so stupid
i cant turn my head away
you cry, i smile

Thursday, June 15, 2006

because i said so (haiku)

i know what i want
only a matter of time
confidence to spare

Wedge, I'm going in.... (haiku)

Rebellion of One
Targeting Computer: Off
You must use The Force

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

grrrrr........

i just yelled at someone
and i feel good about
dont fuck with my team, shitbag

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Night Rider Watches Over Us-
Red Letter Edition

"GOOD MORNING PEOPLE OF PHILIADELPHIA....I AM THE NIGHT RIDER."
The Night Rider is yelling this into the silent train car. The doors have just closed, they always wait for the doors to close before they start.

All of the commuters take a quick look and determine he isnt holding a gun, I keep looking into him, I want to hear what he has to say.

"I RIDE THE TRAINS AND BUSES ALL NIGHT TO KEEP THEM SAFE. SINCE I STARTED THIS PROGRAM SEVERAL YEARS AGO, THINGS HAVE IMPROVED QUITE ABIT"

His voice is hoarse and it's believable that he's been yelling into packed traincars all night. The Night Rider has a baggy grey suit on with a satain yellow shirt pulled out. He's got greasy brown skin, and yellowish eyes. Eyes that have seen quite abit of alcohol this morning. I'm not in a judging mood because frankly, I'm still drunk from the night before as well. I wonder if he buys a monthly pass or just a single day and never leaves.

"I AM CURRENTLY HEADED TO CITY HALL. THEY ARE GOING TO APPOINT ME MAYOR AND CHIEF OF POLICE....THEY ARE ALSO GOING TO MAKE ME HITLER" At the mention of Hitler, all of the good citizens do a visual recheck for weapons."THERE ARE PLENTY OF KIDS IN THIS CITY THAT ARE IN TROUBLE, AND THE NIGHT RIDER IS LOOKING OUT FOR THEM. IF YOU HOOCHY GIRLS DONT WANT TO GET PREGNANT, YOU SHOULD KEEP THE OVEN DOOR SHUT. HARRISBURG CANT HELP YOU, WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER."

At the next stop, he holds the doors open and assists an old lady onto the train with the authority of someone who works for SEPTA. ""PLEASE STEP ABOARD, AND WATCH THE DOORS"

The doors close and the newcomers are momentarily startled at his pronouncement.
"GOOD MORNING PEOPLE OF PHILIADELPHIA....I AM THE NIGHT RIDER. I RIDE THE TRAINS AND BUSES ALL NIGHT TO KEEP THEM SAFE. SINCE I STARTED THIS PROGRAM SEVERAL YEARS AGO, THINGS HAVE IMPROVED QUITE ABIT" They check for weapons, then ignore him like everybody else.

Not me, I keep watching him, I think he may be onto something.....

Monday, June 12, 2006

Thanks for the Obvious


bomb
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Autopsy confirms al-Zarqawi died of mysterious 'bomb-like' disease

Mr Saturday Night


ml
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
Lets open the thirty pack
and plan the future of Iraq
on my lined yellow note-pad

"irony can be so ironic sometimes"

the rich old white people
get their diapers changed
by the grandchildren
of the blacks they feared

where do these tracks go? (haiku)

somewhere i got lost
mired in disappointment
why cant i be you?

Friday, June 09, 2006

"and you said that only proves that I'm insane.."

You know that feeling you get when you've been away on vacation, and you go pick up your dog from the kennel? It's a moment of elation when that three-legged killer comes out from the back room with his nails clipped and fur washed. You realize just how much you love that dog and how much you've his missed barked greetings.

Thats how I felt. My bike broke while I was riding into work the other day. One of the spokes snapped and the wheel went out of true. I had to leave it in a Center City bike shop with the snobby mechanic that hates me for a few days and take the train home.

I picked it up yesterday at lunch and when the girl brought it out from the back room I had the biggest fucking grin, and had to surpress saying 'There's my baby....'

After work it had begun to rain, in fact it was pouring and dark. Once you are commited to the idea of getting wet, riding in the rain can be fun. Some care has to be taken with stopping, but the ride itself is refreshing. It makes me think of those days riding through South Dakota, Ohio and Johnstown PA.

I caught up with a 20 year old bike messenger with a huge mohawk on his way home and we raced from stoplight to stoplight all the way out of the city. It was the best part of my day, I could releash all of my agression into those pedals and not have to smile at anyone or pretend to care....it's like I'm almost a man again for those 45 minutes and not some suburban meat conglomeration....I'm about to bike home again now and I cant wait.....grrrrr

Thursday, June 08, 2006

and begin

He even hated me back when I worked for him. Now he works for me and has good reason to sigh audibly when he sees me in the morning. I'm sensitive to it and give him all the respect and smiles I did before.

I walk into his office and call his name.

He looks up from behind thick glasses and four Monitors.

He picks up a timer. The kind that a football coach would wear around his neck with a lanyard. He picks up this digital black stopwatch timer and pushes one of the three buttons.

BEEP

'Yes?'

I ask my question, and leave.

now....when he clicked the button, did he start the timer or stop the timer?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

C I R C L I N G

I'm the only one out here without an umbrella
suckers....

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Of course the Conservative point of view is that the Deserts are thriving!

Love isnt Love until somebody takes it in the Pooper

He could count to fifteen (haiku)

They took his third arm
and sealed it in a glass jar
Now who will save us?

Steakbellie & Birdy's Theroy of the Conservation of Energy to get things Done (haiku)

superstitious me
talking subtracts from doing
shut your mouth and do

Monday, June 05, 2006

Must be Monday

It's taken me three hours of analysis, but I've finally come to this conclusion: I'm Hung Over.....

Friday, June 02, 2006

Babufto (haiku)

Linguine with Clams
some Babufto for dessert
and a Espresso

Small Man, Big Problems


Small Man, Big Problems
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
This guy is a digger. He digs holes. All of the holes he has dug so far have sunk us further and further. His solution, when the holes havent panned out? Dig DEEPER.

This is not my photo

I forgot to eat breakfast this morning

Seriously, how the hell does that happen?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Boyle's Law

i am standing accross the intersection watching a blind man walk with his cane sweeping back and forth. It's ok to stare at blind people because they dont know how rude you really are. I'm always amazed at just how many blind people are in Center City, they just seem to be everywhere.

To further illustrate this, the blind man walks into: another blind man. They bump softly and then scoot around each other.

Two blocks later I witness two seeing eye dogs fight. Most seeing eye dogs seem to be smaller Black Labs. The one who starts the fight this time is a German Sheppard. A few commands are yelled and everyone is back on their own trajectory. Including me.

Operator 57 part 2

Please do not run for Trains
Trains run every four minutes

Operator 57 (haiku)

Please stand clear of doors
Thank You for choosing SEPTA
This is a B Train