The Sweet Smell of Mediocrity
Ironically, used to be that when I heard Ozzy Ozbournes 'Crazy Train' I thought of Cotton Candy. I wont tell you why, but thats what I thought of...Cherry Vanilla Cotton Candy (thats the standard pink flavor)
Now by some bizarre twist of fate I am standing on a stage, in the middle of an outlet store parking lot Somewhere in Lancaster, PA. A few hundred people are watching me, with a volitile mixture of disgust and sexual desire.
I spot some Amish.
Crazy Train is playing over the loudspeakers and my hands and face are caked with Molasses and crumbs, and at the moment I am slightly headbanging to Randy Rhoads guitar solo (not enough to be embarrassing, but enough so that all the watchers know I am old school. I am eating ShooFly Pie Pie...lots of it, and it's MUCH better than it sounds, well at least the first piece is.
I've been honored enough to be seated at the head table (actually I'm standing) but I'm on the end, which is pretty much the 'no chance in hell, but he looks good in a kilt' position. The real battle is being fought between the four eaters in the center.
Great names in Eating: Humble Bob, Brian Subich (both PA Eaters!) Crazy Legs Conti, and Eater X. It is my first time meeting Conti and X, and they are are friendly and gracious. The kind of guys you'd want to have some beers with and then shoot with paintball guns...or cow-tipping if you have access to that sort of thing.
Eater X holds the record with 6lbs of ShooFly, and with the great numbers he's put up this year, I expect him to beat it.
Behind the main table are four happy Eagles Cheerleaders. They bounce and shake their pom-poms.
The pie is somewhat firm like a pecan pie, but more sticky because of the black molasses. This particular pie is the 'wet bottom' variety. My stategy is to avoid eating as fast as I can. Yes, to slow down alittle, and eat at one consistant speed for the entire 8 minutes. I keep a slice in one hand and water in the other. I'm taking smaller bites than normal, and clearing my mouth before taking another bite. This works out pretty good for me and I am working on the last slice when the announcer yells that Eater X has finnished his first pie.
Each 10" pie weighs a whopping 2.6lbs....things slow down after the first one but I manage to keep an even pace. The annoucer yells with excitement when Humble Bob and Eater X start their third pies.
This is the hard part of the competition. When it's clear you are not going to be the surprise winner, you're not going to be carried on the shoulders of the Amish with Eagles Cheerleaders chanting your name with busty exhuberance. Nobody is going to raise a barn in your name or invite you to stay for the filming of 'Pimp my Ride, Buggy Edition'. Your stomach is Thanksgiving Full, and boy is it uncomfortable. There's still several minutes left and all this freaking pie...pie! pie! pie! Where is the closest garbage can?
I bring the hammer down again, I'm close to finnishing my second pie, and that would be a good clean number to eat.
My good friend, Wing Kong is seated at one of the two side table. I would love to give him a hard time and say they were 'kid tables' but the bastard out-ate me. We like to go to these contests together to share each others company, but mostly so we know that one is not sleeping with the other's wife.
The 8 minutes is up and I am wet with sweat. The people with Carnival Hats and ID's that say 'OFFICIAL' are weighing the pie plates to determine the winner. I'm pacing like a cat, and I notice that none of the 20 or so other eaters are very social now either. The sugar and butter have brought me right to the edge of puking. The Cheerleaders eyes dart back and forth, disgusted at what they've just seen, nervous that somebody might soon yack on them.
The winner is announced and it's bitter-sweet. Eater X has shown great strength and broken his own record by 2lbs. The guy ate 8lbs of shoofly pie! The $2,000 however belongs to Humble Bob, who ate 9lbs.
Many of todays top eaters are single, and thats why I'm deeply impressed with Bob's performance this year. Competetive Eating forces you to undergo a lifestyle change that effects many aspects of your homelife and it's much harder to make those changes when you're married with kids. Everyone is effected by what you do, so Bob's win is a tribute to his discipline, and his family's support.
My son gloms a free pie and we force him to keep it in the trunk for the ride home. Two days later I see the pie in the fridge, and have a slice....
Yeah....That's Good Pie....
1. Humble Bob Shoudt - 9+ pounds 8 minutes ($2000 prize)
2. Tim “Eater X” Janus - 8+ pounds ($500)
3. “Cincinnati Kid” Nathan Kunce 5.5 pounds ($100)
4. Crazy Legs Conti - 5.4 lbs
5. Brian Subich - 5 lbs range
6. Micah ‘Wing Kong’ Collins - 4.9lbs
7. Steakbellie - 4.6lbs
Dave Shoffner, the author of megamunch, ate 2 lb. 7 oz. in his eating debut! Awesome Dave!
Now by some bizarre twist of fate I am standing on a stage, in the middle of an outlet store parking lot Somewhere in Lancaster, PA. A few hundred people are watching me, with a volitile mixture of disgust and sexual desire.
I spot some Amish.
Crazy Train is playing over the loudspeakers and my hands and face are caked with Molasses and crumbs, and at the moment I am slightly headbanging to Randy Rhoads guitar solo (not enough to be embarrassing, but enough so that all the watchers know I am old school. I am eating ShooFly Pie Pie...lots of it, and it's MUCH better than it sounds, well at least the first piece is.
I've been honored enough to be seated at the head table (actually I'm standing) but I'm on the end, which is pretty much the 'no chance in hell, but he looks good in a kilt' position. The real battle is being fought between the four eaters in the center.
Great names in Eating: Humble Bob, Brian Subich (both PA Eaters!) Crazy Legs Conti, and Eater X. It is my first time meeting Conti and X, and they are are friendly and gracious. The kind of guys you'd want to have some beers with and then shoot with paintball guns...or cow-tipping if you have access to that sort of thing.
Eater X holds the record with 6lbs of ShooFly, and with the great numbers he's put up this year, I expect him to beat it.
Behind the main table are four happy Eagles Cheerleaders. They bounce and shake their pom-poms.
The pie is somewhat firm like a pecan pie, but more sticky because of the black molasses. This particular pie is the 'wet bottom' variety. My stategy is to avoid eating as fast as I can. Yes, to slow down alittle, and eat at one consistant speed for the entire 8 minutes. I keep a slice in one hand and water in the other. I'm taking smaller bites than normal, and clearing my mouth before taking another bite. This works out pretty good for me and I am working on the last slice when the announcer yells that Eater X has finnished his first pie.
Each 10" pie weighs a whopping 2.6lbs....things slow down after the first one but I manage to keep an even pace. The annoucer yells with excitement when Humble Bob and Eater X start their third pies.
This is the hard part of the competition. When it's clear you are not going to be the surprise winner, you're not going to be carried on the shoulders of the Amish with Eagles Cheerleaders chanting your name with busty exhuberance. Nobody is going to raise a barn in your name or invite you to stay for the filming of 'Pimp my Ride, Buggy Edition'. Your stomach is Thanksgiving Full, and boy is it uncomfortable. There's still several minutes left and all this freaking pie...pie! pie! pie! Where is the closest garbage can?
I bring the hammer down again, I'm close to finnishing my second pie, and that would be a good clean number to eat.
My good friend, Wing Kong is seated at one of the two side table. I would love to give him a hard time and say they were 'kid tables' but the bastard out-ate me. We like to go to these contests together to share each others company, but mostly so we know that one is not sleeping with the other's wife.
The 8 minutes is up and I am wet with sweat. The people with Carnival Hats and ID's that say 'OFFICIAL' are weighing the pie plates to determine the winner. I'm pacing like a cat, and I notice that none of the 20 or so other eaters are very social now either. The sugar and butter have brought me right to the edge of puking. The Cheerleaders eyes dart back and forth, disgusted at what they've just seen, nervous that somebody might soon yack on them.
The winner is announced and it's bitter-sweet. Eater X has shown great strength and broken his own record by 2lbs. The guy ate 8lbs of shoofly pie! The $2,000 however belongs to Humble Bob, who ate 9lbs.
Many of todays top eaters are single, and thats why I'm deeply impressed with Bob's performance this year. Competetive Eating forces you to undergo a lifestyle change that effects many aspects of your homelife and it's much harder to make those changes when you're married with kids. Everyone is effected by what you do, so Bob's win is a tribute to his discipline, and his family's support.
My son gloms a free pie and we force him to keep it in the trunk for the ride home. Two days later I see the pie in the fridge, and have a slice....
Yeah....That's Good Pie....
1. Humble Bob Shoudt - 9+ pounds 8 minutes ($2000 prize)
2. Tim “Eater X” Janus - 8+ pounds ($500)
3. “Cincinnati Kid” Nathan Kunce 5.5 pounds ($100)
4. Crazy Legs Conti - 5.4 lbs
5. Brian Subich - 5 lbs range
6. Micah ‘Wing Kong’ Collins - 4.9lbs
7. Steakbellie - 4.6lbs
Dave Shoffner, the author of megamunch, ate 2 lb. 7 oz. in his eating debut! Awesome Dave!
9 comments:
Classy move - hands resting on the shoulders. Good boy.
Yeah, yeah. Rub it in. You got pictures with the cheerleaders and I didn't. Just kidding. (That brunette on the left is SMOKIN'!)
You wear an earring still?
Man, you are so Philly.
Maybe the earring is part of MacWing's "Persona" :)
Aye,
it's me costume!
Just out of a morbid sense of curiosity, why the kilt? To match the earring?
Good Ventilation!
Things get a bit, um, "breezy" at these food-eating competitions? (I know I get a bit windy the day after a beer-drinking competition...)
Good going! I really just want to know how you know what flavor pink cotton candy is suppose to be...
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