Tuesday, January 31, 2006


i may not be around the next few days writing much. i have sooooo much freaking work to finish that i dont know how the hell i'm gonna get it all done before the event on friday morning.

i have people calling me for tickets, i even have newspapers calling me about the press release. BIG project due for work, and I'm gonna have to work late just to get it done and take friday off. I was hoping to get Thurs off but that seems out of the question now.

I'm so desperatley behind on sleep to boot......

funny thing:
I was on the radio this morning talking smack, and the host was riding me for wearing a kilt.

host:"You're wearing a dress.....Do you have a fieldhockey stick too?"
steakbellie: "If thats what you want to call it, it's under the Kilt!"


Monday, January 30, 2006


Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
This photo is the perfect summation of the last two months of my life. Friday cant come fast enough, until then I'm the media whore of Philadelphia

Sunday, January 29, 2006


Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
one of us is a badass. I'm pretty sure you know which one....

Friday, January 27, 2006

Chix Hate Beards

triple h
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
It's a scientific fact that I have proven over the last few weeks. I grew a beard and not one goddamn chick on the street gave me a second look.

My theory is that guys grow beards to intimidate other guys, the same way chix buy things like handbags, shoes and candles to impress other chix.

It's pretty stupid to think that some facial hair will intimidate somebody. All is says is that I have enough testosterone in my blood to fill a 55 gal drum, and I'm sick of dragging a razorblade accross my face.

So I keep my beard neat and presentable for work, but the day before the competition I'm going to shave it like the guy in the photo. Unfortunately I'll probably look more like Lemmy from Motorhead than Triple H.

So why am I doing it? To intimidate somebody!!! HA!


my guts still hurt.....

Thursday, January 26, 2006

say my name (haiku)

whisper it softly
to my hardened silhouette
watch my eyes roll back

taste the pain

I just downed the ninth pound of oatmeal, and i can feel it expanding in my stomach....i'm sweating and dizzy in case you think thats hot....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Steakbellie Speaks

I'll be on 610 WIP AM tomorrow morning at 6:30 am for all you guys in the Philly area....I'm going to wrack my brain for something funny to say...limmericks are funny, maybe I'll write a Limmerick...

refusal of service

I was supposed to eat 9lbs of oalmeal today. Everthing about me says...nah...not today. I was sore for days after 8lbs, and then it made me stupid and tired. (well tired, i was stupid for eating it)

I will do it tomorrow though. I like cool anecdotes, and they are only good if true.

"Hey, remember that time you ate 9lbs of oatmeal?"
"Yeah, that was pretty cool, huh?"
"Didnt I read in the paper that you passed out on the train in a pool of high fiber vommit?"
"I think I hear my Mom calling"

Your Papers Please.....

Dont leave home without it
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
My Drivers Lisence is Expired.

This causes me to have conversations like this at the bank:

Teller: You know that your lisence has expired Mr Steakbellie.
Steakbellie: Yeah, but at least I havent.
Teller: You're going to have to speak to a Manager.

I have a long storied battle with my nemisis the NJDMV. They won the most recent victory when I fled to PA. My PA liscence came due when I turned 35 last month, and it really wouldnt be all that hard to get a new one if you were anyone else. I however have made it a much bigger problem.

I've grown a Grizzly Adams beard for the contest and I dont want to take my Lisence photo with a beard. It would be a bad idea like when suddenly I shaved my head the day before I got my passport photo acouple of years ago. So that puts it back to Feb 6th before I can be clean shaven.

The main problem is that I want to wear a tuxedo when I get the photo done. I always thought that it would be a cool thing to have you DL picture in a tux. In fact a few months ago when i made my list of things i have to do before i die, it was one of the things on that list...but all of that means i have to take half a day off from work, because i'm not wearing a tux to the office. I dont want these people to have any idea how fucked up i really am.

I may have to get the liscence sooner with the beard and then get a duplicate with the tux.....that would just plain suck.....

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

social distortion

social distortion
Originally uploaded by alyssa's gallery.
i have some old Social Distortion mixed in with the new album on heavy rotation. I was listening to 'Dont Think Twice' earlier and came accross these lyrics:

"I gave her my Heart, but she wanted my Soul"

doesnt that make you laugh?!?!

Yo! Adrian!

Originally uploaded by MtDewVirus
Instead of my usual loop, I vear to the Art Museum and do the steps. These are the same steps that Rocky did in the movie. At the top of the fifth flight they have a plack that has Rocky's footprints and the word 'Rocky'. I run the steps ten times and then do the Rocky dance at the top for all of the Ben Franklin Parkway to see. What would Jesus Do?

I feel pretty damn good on the run back until some cute girl with a huge ass blows past me on the running trail.

Crap...i must be old....


C@leb between periods
Originally uploaded by steakbellie

Monday, January 23, 2006

who's the wise guy that made all these freakin rules?

these days i spend entire months working on things that dont exist. i write code into a computer so that it will appear a certain way on someone elses computer. i dont make shoes, or polish rocks, or put apples in a bucket. nothings really made, just some electrical impulses that get stored in a magnetic pattern....thats what i spend my time doing. i am the first generation of a line of millions of people that can do that.

i fantasize about hammers and shovels.

i sit hunched over in my broken office chair, and hope i will have time to lift weights. my body craves to be worked, expend energy, be broken. dogs that dont run, go crazy.

i cant punch anyone, even if i'm angry. i cant break anything. in fact i'm one of the first generation that isnt allowed to BE angry.

could i be happy running through the grass trying to catch someone to beatup or hump or both? gleaning berries from bushes? huddling under branches to stay dry and warm?

these people loved just as desperatley as we do and their tears weighed about the same too. they tickled their kids and threw them into the air. we're safer and 'smarter' but i really doubt we're happier....

The Dead Woman in my Dining Room

two years later
and everybody who failed
lifes big test,
call us for the ashes

my wife was the one
who made her final request come true
when her own family talked about her
like she was already dead

my wife took two weeks of vacation
to change her liver bag
and hold her shriveled body
and kiss her on her last breath

return to sender (haiku)

beauty and sadness
lost again in the grey rain
sloshing my way home

untitled (haiku)

cold darkened pressure
entagled at the bottom
desperate to breech

Steakbellie's Prayer

lord, taketh this wing from me
for i no longer like what i chew

wrestling advice to son #2 (haiku)

you dont have to win
i dont demand excellence
but just dont give up

Friday, January 20, 2006

poker nite with the boys (haiku)

fuck you cocksucker
you'll be getting me a beer
i got the full boat

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I just ate 8lbs of Oatmeal

and god do i feel uncomfortable....

Birdy Once Had a Thought....

the Wing Bowl begins
Originally uploaded by steakbellie
yeah, big surprise there....

so anyway, Birdy once theorized years ago that people look the same when they eat as when they are having sex. They are both deeply seeded drives to our survival, and maybe related in some ways (see Seinfeld when George pulls off the 'trifecta' having sex while eating a pastrami sandwhich and watching tv)

i dont know if it's true, but it makes lunch in at work or in a large cafeteria much more interesting!

all the way (haiku)

confident and strong
my teeth and fists are clenched hard
better clear the lane

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Samson strides the puddles (haiku)

the rain is sideways
my beard is holding water
and so are my shoes

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Further Revelations of Stupidity from the College Days...

At my bachelor party I smoked so many cigars, that when I dropped a duece the next day, the bathroom smelled like smoke. (not kidding, sorry about that Rob)

Freshman year of college required all of us to have the cafeteria meal plan. It was all you could eat. I devised a plan to drink 6 of those 16 ounce glasses of milk A MEAL. (3 skim, 3 lowfat chocolate milk) Why? I wanted to see if I could make my bones unbreakable. After 3 weeks i had to stop because my fingernails had gotten so hard, I could no longer bite them!!!! Never broke a bone to-boot.....

Home/bored in Jersey on a Saturday night, I ate most of a jar of minced garlic to see how bad I could make my breathe. I didnt realize how much stronger the garlic would be because it wasnt cooked. The next morning my parents made me go to church with them and my Dad had to change seats because his eyes were watering from the stink coming off my skin. It makes you shit green, by the way.

when bush said he would listen to differing views he wasnt kidding....

He's listening to their phone calls, reading their emails, checking what books they took from the library...and god knows WHAT else that we just havent found out yet.

bush and the fbi have 24 access to getting a search warrant, in fact they are allowed to even get one 48 hours after the fact.

yet, this joker doesnt think he needs to stoop down so low as to have to have to answer to a judge.

always amazing how unamerican this guy is and how he's destroying this great country....

I just ate 7lbs of Oatmeal

Now I cant go swimming for 30 minutes...

what i accomplished (haiku)

i was bored today
couldnt concentrate at all
so i grew a beard

Monday, January 16, 2006

Habias Corpus

I run along the Schuylkill River at lunch...and can I say it was pretty f'ing cold today to do such a thing.

Now being the good child of TV I know that there are only 5 occupations in the world. Doctor, Lawyer, Advertising Executive, Cop, Bad Guy. Bad guys always dump bodies in rivers...right?

So when I run, I listen to my ipod, and watch the river for bodies (really)

So today, on the return trip I got to see Helicopters, Police and Coast Guard Gunships, pulling a small craft from out under the water, and divers jumping in to look for bodies....now THATS freaking cold!!!

t shit logo

Originally uploaded by steakbellie
so much shit left to do to get ready for this freaking thing. figured out how to make a kilt this weekend, and got the tshirts designed...need to make a float still...and need to eat...alot....i wish i understood moderation

Happy MLK Day

This city is freaking empty. I must be the only poor bastard stuck working. Even 'The Man' has off today.....

When Johnny Douche-Bag Talks.....

Suddenly his voiced is raised and he's standing over me
"I'm on the board, and this is the way we're going to do it"

I raise my eyebrows at Johnny Douche-Bag.

I thought he had some questions for me, but now that there's an audience, he's throwing his false weight around. He think's I'm scared or impressed. I look around at all the other volunteers, and it's pretty clear.

This guy is an asshole.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

i am veal

too drunk and emotional to explain it.... and too sober tomorrow to admit it

Friday, January 13, 2006

it's all shifting to carbon anyway (haiku)

when we come for you
Originally uploaded by steakbellie
fending off failure
knuckles driven into bricks
bringing down my house

The Persistance of SRV(F)

Years ago when I tried to drink all that water, I sent out an email documenting it. Apparently my friend SRV(F) is so well cataloged that he still has the email seven years later!!! What else lurks in his IN box?!?!?....plus check out how cool my Dad is!!!

"The Water Report 1

7:08am EST October 15, 1998

Today is the big day. We recently got one of those neat water coolers at work with the big clear water jug on top. Today I am going to drink all five gallons myself.

The Water Report 2

9:38am EST October 15, 1998

I am no longer thirsty. So far i have drunk at least a gallon, maybe two. I noticed i have to pee alot. The water I am enjoying is "Keystone Natural Water" from somewhere in Pennsylvania. The lable says they have been in business since 1907. I think I'm gonna take an hour off and give myself a chance to adjust.

The Water Report 3

1:14pm EST October 15, 1998

After serious analysis of the water cooler I have determined that i have already consumed 1.5 gallons today. I'm totally satiated. I was very disappointed with the realization that I am incapable of drinking 5 gallons of water in a workday, until my dad sent me this fabulous email:

'.......For rough estimates it is 8.3 pounds per gallon. At standard temperature and pressure it is 8.345. You have one pint of blood for every 13 pounds of body weight. Blood is mostly water, thus a 200 pound person has 15.6 pints of blood (200/13 = 15.6) which is equivalent to 1.9 gallons (8 pints in a gallon; 15.6/8 = 1.9 gallons) or approximately 2 gallons x 8.3 = 16.6 pounds of blood. You have added an equivalent amount of water equal to your blood level and added 16 pounds to your temporary body weight. Amazing.'

Now i don't feel so bad. My wife thinks I'd kill myself if I drank it all. But then again, she thinks I'm crazy. But how crazy could i be?... I just drank 12.5 pounds of water!!!!"

That was almost 6 years ago, Steakbellie.
You still crazy after all these years...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I just ate 6lbs of Oatmeal....

The trick will be to see if I can make it home before I shit myself backwards....isnt that hot?

rise to your feet

they can tell you that you dont have the killer instinct, but you only need to forget yourself once to leave the mat with someone elses blood smeared on your chest. then they shut the fuck up.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Missin my M@xie

my house
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
We bought tickets to go see WWE's SMACKDOWN, and the biggets fan in the family got sick. Poor little M@x had a fever of 104, and actually told me he couldnt go.

We got him the Championship Belt and a T-Shirt but it's not the same, I gotta take him when it comes around again.

Notice the kick-ass retro Rowdy Roddy Pipper shirt I bought! KAPOW!!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Getting to know the Quaker Guy.....the hard way

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
i always considered oatmeal to be beniegn.

i mean really, isnt it the kind of food that you could eat as much as you want and it wouldnt hurt you abit, no salt or fat and plenty of Soluible Fiber, to clean the Cholesteral from your Arteries.

so i ate 5lbs of oatmeal for lunch yesterday. i was full, but not at my capacity, i figured i would limit it to 5lbs 'just incase'.

so anyway just trust me, dont eat that much oatmeal, unless you're body is used to it. I was thinking about this issue and there are actually a bunch of things I've done over the years that you probably shouldnt do.

Dont Eat a box of prunes (the big box) to be funny. It WILL be funnny, just not to you. (besides ruining your night, you'll actually feel 'high')

Drinking a bottle of regular Hot Sauce (Tabasco or Franks) is impressive to most people, so there's no reason in hell you have any business drinking a bottle of Habenera Pepper Hot Sauce. There's sooooo much Capsacin (the chemical that causes the burn) in it that you will actually Halucinate....and if you do, do it, get more than $20 on that bet. You can wipe your flaming ass with the money the next morning.

Eighteen Beers is more than enough....even Ernest Borgnine will look good to you.

Dont try to drink the entire 5 gallon water cooler. you will pee. alot. in fact you will spend the rest of the day, peeing.

PLEASE dont try eating UNCOOKED beans in place of nuts. Dont loose count and eat half the bag. GOD NOOOOO!! That may have been the worst food experience of my life.....

Chugging a 2-liter of Root Beer as fast as you can? This is actually ok, unless you're only 9 years old, and bored on a summer day. The carbonation will give you gas pains, and the sugar load will give you a headache. (9 year olds should eat a dozen doughnuts either)

Brussel Sprouts and Lima Beans should NEVER be eaten in ANY quantity. That shit's gross.

You can eat all the pizza you want though......

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Axle of Evil

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
When the creaky atomic pumps in Dick Cheneys rotted body final stop pumping cold clotted black crude through his veins....who will cry? What kindergartner will look up from the Macaroni picture he is making and weep with that news?

keeping warm

The shit-kicker band is playing 'i still miss someone' by Johnny Cash when we stumble onto the dance floor. Your hair smells the same and the baby is pulling my pocket for a dollar to spend in the arcade.

There is a feeling of contentment that comes from being inside during a snowstorm and the smell from the fireplace multiplies it in my heart. We're all safe and for a few moments everything is familiar.

getting the boys off to school (haiku)

you fell back to sleep
and can only find one shoe
please help me, help you

Steakbellie emerges from coma-like sleep, moves hand, body. Drinks coffee

How freaky is it have your healthcare menutia be plastered on the front pages of newspapers and websites? I realize that we're talking about the leader of a country, but step back and take a giggle at how strange it all is.....

Thursday, January 05, 2006

"Bush Listens to Suggestions on Iraq"

yeah right.....asshole

Excuse me while I consult my Pornographer (haiku)

what does it matter
nobody buys your bullshit
ok, well, i do

teeth smacked against cold hard chrome pipes (haiku)

relive that moment
run your tongue over the break
remember; regret

contained (haiku)

open the cage door
are you willing to trust me?
i'm (mostly) harmless

Sangroncito we hardly knew ye....

I'm sad that one of my favorite blogs to read Sangroncito's World, has been pretty much shut down, with most of the content taken offline. It seems he's hit a point of frustration with pressure to update the site regularly from his adventures in Brazil.

I love his zest for life and adventure, and how very different it was from my own. I live the life of Suburban responsibility...it serves me well, but I do love to see what other people are doing with the time they have been given. Definatley somebody I'd have a beer with. One of my favorite posts was when he was in some bar in Spain and uttered something like: "I hate all Spanairds and the the Mother's who pushed them out" in the local tongue...only to get knocked out with a bottle and wake up bleeding in the street.

I think most bloggers have at one time or another considered trashing their own blogs. I have a bunch of times. For me the big issue is keeping it out of hands of people I know or work with. Google is so effiecient at catalogging this site, that I have to be careful what I write so my sons friends dont eventually find this and embarrass them with something I wrote. I feel it's only a matter of time before Mr Nosey Nose finds this and shares it with everyone at work. He's always snooping around......fucker....

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

mr nosey nose (haiku)

mind your own business
stop checking my monitor
you've blown it with me

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The future comes into focus

breakfast done
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
So now the #3 & #6 ranked professional eaters in the world have qualified for the same event as me. These are guys who do this for a living. My first thought?


Does this mean I'm an ameatuer eater? Its something we all do anyway. Who knows more about eating than me? Who knows less? Maybe thats why this is so goddamned fascinating to everyone. (including me)

That brought these thoughts to the surface:
I'm the #2 Breather in North America
Nobody can out-shit me in this State
I hold the World Record for Sweating
I failed to qualify for the Sexlympics (for the third year in a row)

Well, I'll do what it is I do, and try to have fun and put on a good show too. We started designing costumes and the float this past weekend...Oy Vey.....

forcing the issue

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
possibly drunk, probably crazy, definatley hung-over, this is what i ate for breakfast on new years eve.

60 chicken wings. That's 3 full bags of frozen wings, 9lbs total.

how long does it take to eat 60 chicken wings?.....thats classified....but it's alot less than you might think.

and how did I feel?
all day....