Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Getting to know the Quaker Guy.....the hard way


quaker
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
i always considered oatmeal to be beniegn.

i mean really, isnt it the kind of food that you could eat as much as you want and it wouldnt hurt you abit, no salt or fat and plenty of Soluible Fiber, to clean the Cholesteral from your Arteries.

so i ate 5lbs of oatmeal for lunch yesterday. i was full, but not at my capacity, i figured i would limit it to 5lbs 'just incase'.

so anyway just trust me, dont eat that much oatmeal, unless you're body is used to it. I was thinking about this issue and there are actually a bunch of things I've done over the years that you probably shouldnt do.

Dont Eat a box of prunes (the big box) to be funny. It WILL be funnny, just not to you. (besides ruining your night, you'll actually feel 'high')

Drinking a bottle of regular Hot Sauce (Tabasco or Franks) is impressive to most people, so there's no reason in hell you have any business drinking a bottle of Habenera Pepper Hot Sauce. There's sooooo much Capsacin (the chemical that causes the burn) in it that you will actually Halucinate....and if you do, do it, get more than $20 on that bet. You can wipe your flaming ass with the money the next morning.

Eighteen Beers is more than enough....even Ernest Borgnine will look good to you.

Dont try to drink the entire 5 gallon water cooler. you will pee. alot. in fact you will spend the rest of the day, peeing.

PLEASE dont try eating UNCOOKED beans in place of nuts. Dont loose count and eat half the bag. GOD NOOOOO!! That may have been the worst food experience of my life.....

Chugging a 2-liter of Root Beer as fast as you can? This is actually ok, unless you're only 9 years old, and bored on a summer day. The carbonation will give you gas pains, and the sugar load will give you a headache. (9 year olds should eat a dozen doughnuts either)

Brussel Sprouts and Lima Beans should NEVER be eaten in ANY quantity. That shit's gross.

You can eat all the pizza you want though......

8 comments:

It's the "Last Call" said...

this is probably one of my favorite things you've ever written... barring the haikus about the guy reading your screen.

steakbellie said...

really???
why? I'm curious, i didnt think anyone would even reply to this one....

It's the "Last Call" said...

When I began to read it I was thinking to myself, "Why the hell would anyone eat that much of anything, much less oatmeal?" Then I remembered your eating challenge thing.

I think it's also because it's like advice for the average eater... and it's sort of like a confessional. I was giggling, but could also feel the pain you were describing. It's one of those things anyone can relate to, pithy and well written.

Wendy said...

You had me until the lima beans and brussel sprouts. I actually really love those veggies. But I will definitely take your advice about not eating 5 lbs. of oatmeal. Not that I had considered it before reading your post!

steakbellie said...

yeah, well today i get the joy of eating 6lbs of oatmeal.....
ughhh

Flamingos & Flip Flops said...

Don't try "shooting" a scoop of Country Time lemonade powder either. Not fun! Damn, the things college students do. That was 12 years ago...and I can still taste it!

steakbellie said...

awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

And i quote:

"The Water Report 1

7:08am EST October 15, 1998

Today is the big day. We recently got one of those neat water coolers at work with the big clear water jug on top. Today I am going to drink all five gallons myself.
--------

The Water Report 2

9:38am EST October 15, 1998

I am no longer thirsty. So far i have drunk at least a gallon, maybe two. I noticed i have to pee alot. The water I am enjoying is "Keystone Natural Water" from somewhere in Pennsylvania. The lable says they have been in business since 1907. I think I'm gonna take an hour off and give myself a chance to adjust.
--------

The Water Report 3

1:14pm EST October 15, 1998

After serious analysis of the water cooler I have determined that i have already consumed 1.5 gallons today. I'm totally satiated. I was very disappointed with the realization that I am incapable of drinking 5 gallons of water in a workday, until my dad sent me this fabulous email:

'.......For rough estimates it is 8.3 pounds per gallon. At standard temperature and pressure it is 8.345. You have one pint of blood for every 13 pounds of body weight. Blood is mostly water, thus a 200 pound person has 15.6 pints of blood (200/13 = 15.6) which is equivalent to 1.9 gallons (8 pints in a gallon; 15.6/8 = 1.9 gallons) or approximately 2 gallons x 8.3 = 16.6 pounds of blood. You have added an equivalent amount of water equal to your blood level and added 16 pounds to your temporary body weight. Amazing.'

Now i don't feel so bad. My wife thinks I'd kill myself if I drank it all. But then again, she thinks I'm crazy. But how crazy could i be?... I just drank 12.5 pounds of water!!!!"

That was almost 6 years ago, Steakbellie.
You still crazy after all these years...
sF