Wednesday, August 30, 2006

not everybody can dream about flying (haiku)

dunk, bite, chew, swallow
i have a number in mind
i'm starving within

paralysis of the mind (haiku)

remove head from ass
you just cant go on like this
shut up and do it

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

look what mommy found today (haiku)

finga sucka boy
balloon blankee in his hand
sleeping blonde sweatball

Fists of Fury, Elbows of Lethargy (haiku)

isometric goals
cancelling each other out
i'm getting nowhere

Monday, August 28, 2006

Monday (haiku)

coffee with creamer
white shirt in want of some starch
clean shave, new blue tie

Friday, August 25, 2006

Gone to Shit

255th murder in Philly
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

When I bike home, I go through West Philadelphia to get to my Suburbial Cocoon of Happiness. West Philly is the epicenter of a massive wave of murder this year.

Biking, I can see just how bad the neighborhoods have gotten. Crumbled, burned,'s very moving to see how people are living. All of the commuter need to go through West Philly, but in your car you can sometimes block all of that out. Generally, nobody gives you trouble during rush hour, but at night this place is a freaking war zone.

I had some trouble with a 13 year old kid 2 days ago, he whipped a crumbled up piece of cardboard (like a juicebox or something) into my face as I biked by. I was going about twenty miles an hour and paying attention to the SEPTA bus on my left. The little fucker steps off the curb and throws it...releasing it an inch from my face. I thought he was trying to hit me with his fist, and I wish he had. With Bike and equipment my rolling mass is about 250lbs @ 20mph it would have shattered his wrist.

I was lucky and didnt loose my balance or overcompensate and that speed I'd screw my bike up good. The kid and his friends laughed and took off. It really made me furious because there wasnt anything I could do by the time I stopped....I'm a white man in biking shorts in a black ghetto.

The rest of the ride home I fantasized that I had said something really witty, or chased them home (gosh and really taught them a lesson, whitey). I alternated wanting to punish the worlds' idiots and thinking about the kind of environments that cause and tolerate this. In the end, my job isnt to straighten some inner city kids, my job is to come home safe to my own family. That means swallowing some anger and pride and not contributing to a no-win situation.

The next day I had to take the bus instead of bike. On the way home in the same neighborhood, there was police tape everywhere and the intersection was closed. Somebody ambushed a 28 year old guy sitting at the light in his Honda. Killed him in the daylight and traffic. 4:30 pm. The city's 255th murder of the year.

Bullet casing were all over the place and the car's windows were exploded all over the street. The police had put down those little yellow evidence markers to show where the spent shells had landed. I counted 10 or 12.

Standing on that very corner was a man selling tshirts. The shirts say:


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Woman embezzles millions to feed lottery habit - Yahoo! News

Woman embezzles millions to feed lottery habit - Yahoo! News
God I love this stuff. She stole $2.3 Million over 3 years to buy lottery tickets! She wanted to be a Millionaire. Just too wonderful....

let it go (haiku)

i wish he punched me
his thin wrist would have shattered
now i'm just angry

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Tom Got Shit-Canned

I recommend Anti-Depressants for you, Asshole. Perhaps there is a God.

staring at the sea

staring at the sea
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
The sad sad truth is that despite our advanced taste in music, we were just a couple of dorks. The black racecar with the nitrous and black leather took us nowhere but to Florida and back.

Still, the memories were good....even for a couple of dorks.

The Reclaimation (haiku)

burn off the excess
torch it all...thought, word and deed
is anything left?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

worth dying for (haiku) rise against homage

take a breath, explode
we are in competition
but claim its no race

Dont be absurd people, it's not a Civil War, it's a Mini-Civil War!

Someone has tarnished the observable Universe! (haiku)

this rock is spoiled
frozen turds circle the sun
lets live there instead

Monday, August 21, 2006


twittling (haiku)

all you've got is gone
well, for a night anyway
what to do tonight?

Dark Matter (haiku)

so much is unseen
tree falling in the forrest
boy crying in bed

self control, control self

My wife has taken the boys down to the beach for a few days. This is great for them but always a minor disaster for me. My mind overfills with ideas an intentions, and it will be a struggle to actually get ANYTHING done before I wind up passed out drunk in a pile of unfolded clean laundry. I realize it's pretty stupid, but despite being a mildly lonely person, I dont know what to do with myself when I'm alone.

My strategy today is simple. Physically wear myself out...completely kill myself with exhaustion. 20 Miles biking to and from work, an hour on the running machine at the gym during lunch. Lift weights when I get home.

I actually have some freelance work to do tonight, but we'll see if it can get done, before I run through the neighborhood naked....again.

Forced Amish-ment (haiku)

broke my pda
forgot to bring my ipod
cellphone doesnt work


dropped and smashed my pda this morning. I've had it for almost 6 years.
my phone has been busted for a week.
i lost my bathroom key.

I did however ride my bike to work. Damn that felt really good....

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Oui Beg for Merci

Friday, August 18, 2006

No, really...Ass-Deep!

I'm Ass-Deep in Tomatos

The garden has been an awesome success this year at least as far as Basil & Tomatos are concerned. I'm eating 3-5 large tomatos a day but it cannot dent the massive output of those 4 plants. Hot weather and good soil prep made them so sweet, I can never go back to those store bought hydroponic ones. I've been giving bags and bags away to the neighbors to try to keep up.

Cilantro? Dead
Garlic Chives? Dead
Hot Peppers? My first year of poor results. The plants are large and healthy, but no peppers.
Oregano? Got abit overgrown from everything around it...still time to save it
Eggplant? Coming along just fine....

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I am a mutant

Hot Dogs May Cause Genetic Mutations - Yahoo! News
Wonder what my super-power is......better not be something lame....

She was good looking, in a Chelsea Clinton sort of way.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Ask Dr Z

Have you seen the new GM commercials? Apparently the Chairman is German, and they have paraded him around answering school kids questions with a thick German Accent.

It's fine that he's German, but I imagine there is a huge section of middle America that says thing like 'love it or leave it' and buy American car Brands faithfully without realizing that they are actually made in Canada or Mexico. This might be alittle hard for them to take.

He also comes accross as human and nice like your Grandpa....or at least someone elses nice Grandpa. It's toooo much. I have a hard time believe that someone that casual can make it to Chairman of GM with being a total prick. Total disconnect. Doesnt make me any more interested in the product and actually makes me suspicious....

chemical smiles (haiku)

we can shit sunshine
hemorrhage bright happiness
puke up cute bunnies

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Worlds Most Dangerous Eater

The drive down to Greenbelt, MD is alittle over 2 hours from Philly. My wife is kind enough to drive, and we have my 3 sons and the 3 sons of a neighbor in the van with us. We're going to a pizza eating contest, and I am one of the people who is scheduled to eat.

The boys are passing the time watching a wrestling video. In between matches they pepper me with questions about their favorite Eaters and which ones do I think will show up. I tell them the ones that I expect to show, and they are concerned about my chances of winning any prize. I point out few that are within reach of my abilities and I itemize who it is that I aspire to beat that day. They like that Dad has a plan.

Currently The Undertaker is battling Brock Lesner in a "Biker Chain Match". I put my money on The Undertaker, but am soon disappointed when Vince McMahon enters the ring and stops the match before Lener is lashed with the steel link chain.

I-95 is whizzing by at 70 miles an hour.
Reflectively I say, "You know I'm the World's Most Dangerous Eater." My wife looks at me and we giggle.

Time to put on the Kilt, there's pizza to eat.

Monday, August 14, 2006

fleeting (haiku)

brilliant streak of red
burned up in the atmosphere
blink and you missed me

Friday, August 11, 2006


I had a nice treat today as my wife and kids came had lunch with me at work today. I showed them where to get the best Chicken Cheesesteaks in all of Philadelphia, and we sat in Rittenhouse Square talking and eating.

Afterwards they went back to my office to use the bathroom. The kids love it because I have a special security card that gives me access to the front door, elevator and office door. They think it's CIA type stuff. Seeing them in my office made me realize how desolate and loney it is working here though. I guess over the last 2 years I caloused myself to that.

I cant wait to go home.....

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. - Oscar Wilde

This really resonates with me. I've always been fascinated by excess, but in more ways than just wastefulness or monetary flaunting. Those things turn me off.

The Most. I want to know who has the biggest schlong, who ate the most cookies, what was the worst headache. I'm curious whats the latest anyone stayed up watching tv, who did the most homework, who wacked it the most in one day (i actually know the answer to that one)

When I was a kid I spent nights and reading the Guiness Book of World Records and Ripleys Believe It or Not. I think my heaven would have a big book like that with all the things I wanted to know about mankind, all the answers I need, and I can spend eteernity dog-earing the pages of my favorites.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The food pornographer

The food pornographer

Here's a site I found through Mega Munch. I didnt even read a word on the site, just looked at all the photos and drooled openly onto my desk. Despite the name, it's work safe...but you'll be STARVING!!!!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Now that Kevin Timberland is gay, what will our teenage girls do?

Cry all you want, I've brought floaties (haiku)

sinking your own tube
you should be blaming yourself
not slashing at mine

Will Rogers said he didnt like you, man (haiku)

three times in a day
storming out of my office
i dont play your game

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


So my completely bizarre life continues....

This weekend I will be competing in a pizza eating contest. The contest is in Maryland somewhere and the sponsor is 3 Brothers Pizza. From what I understand they serve super-giant slices and it will be all you can eat for 10 minutes. GB and the boys are taking the trip with me and the boys spent the entire vacation devising strategies to win. (mostly in the devious vein like putting itching powder on the other food, bringing my pizza loving dogs with me, or punching my competitors in the stomach)

I'm very excited because pizza is one of my favorite foods, and I can eat quite abit, given enough time. I'm tempering my anticipation with the knowledge that those two factors may not mean much under game conditions. Foods that seem simple can surprise you, I figure the pizza crust will wear my jaw out pretty fast, and that my mouth and throat will get scratched up pretty good.

It's likely I'll get crushed at this contest. It's the only contest this weekend, it's located in the North East, there's prize money, and it's pizza...all factors in bringing out the best eaters in the country. Luckily I dont mind a good ass-kicking, I was recently ranked by the IFOCE and I want to go and earn the respect of the other competitors and show that I deserve it. Putting up a solid performance..even in last place. I want to be great, but first I'll settle on being good.....

I have a tshirt picked out and the kilt will be clean and ready for battle!

Monday, August 07, 2006

world trade center

Does anyone have the stomach to watch this? It just feels waaaay too soon, and something about it being an Oliver Stone Film doesnt bode well with me. I dont need his version of this, mine made the point just fine.

I get the feeling that Hollywood has been dying to make this movie but didnt want to turn everyone off by making it too soon. I can just see each studio doing polling and focus groups every month to gauge the first acceptable moment of release and victory. Kind of like that 'Flight 93' movie they made, that I wont see.

We havent even bothered to go after the fuckers who did this, I guess we deserve another Nicolas Cage movie as punishment.

Screw You Hippies, I Still Believe Floyd

down in a hole

PetSmart: buying crickets

There's a thirty year old man engrossed reading the back of a small $35.00 bag of dogfood. He has brought his dog with him to the store and I questions his motives why he would do that. He has on a kahki baseball cap.

A third of the customers here have brought their various dogs with them I wonder if this is a sign of the apocolypse, or at least the downfall of white America.

It's actually a 'non-dog' that this particular guy has with him, one of those 6lbs white fluffy things with fur in their eyes that yip all day long. The non-dog is pulling him absently on the lease to investigate a smell.

I step into the dogs space and invite the little fucker to bite my ankle.

A movie plays in my head where the dog actually bites down, and I punt it clear into the next isle. It makes a satisfying 'yip' sound on it's way through the air.

Angry patrons who refuse to stand up for even their own children, rain down upon me with drooling rage. I am beaten with hardened cow-hide chewtoys, as I plead self-defense. A fat dental assistant in scrubs drags me out onto the 100 degree sidewalk. She has an ugly tattoo on her ankle and I wonder what the hell she was thinking.

She wants to yell at me but is frustrated with words...she spits instead.