Friday, July 28, 2006

OK, now spend the next week or so picturing me here:

My kids have gone here every summer of their lives, my wife has been coming since we were dating, this is my 36th consecutive summer, my Mother's 62nd consecutive summer, and would have been my Grandfathers 85th or so.

What do you call that? Tradition? Illness?

This is the start of my new year. Happy New Year Everybody....


Thursday, July 27, 2006

shitty-shitty-bang-bang (haiku)

cry baby fat fuck
i cant believe you're forty
act like a man, dick

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Quiet Disorientation of the Over-Sleeper

I overslept today and I've developed a disorientation that I havent been able to shake yet, and I fear it will follow me till tonight.

At the Trolley station, a man in shorts walked up pushing an upright vaccuum down the sidewalk the same way you might push a baby-carriage or a lawn mower. It was a dull gray plastic that was scratched up and the bag and cord were also gray.

It was not plugged in.

He waits next to me on the bench for the Trolley to show up. I attribute the poor condition of the vaccuum to him using it outside on the sidewalk or on the front lawn. Perhaps today is the day he travels back to Mom's house to vaccuum her back deck and her dog.

I consider trying to sell him on the idea of a bagless vaccuum until the trolley shows.

During rush hour you can count on a common host of characters. They are reliable and you will very soon recognize people along your route, you will learn their sad stories from overhead celphone conversations, and their poor choice of reading material. We are all the same in our suburban commuting misery. Today I am well past rush hour and I am contained with an unfamiliar audience of people.

I sit next to a man who is reading a pocket bible. It's tiny and has a leather zipper cover. It's smaller than a pocket bible actually, like a third the size...almost like those little books they used to have in Cracker Jack boxes...perhaps the kind of bible you would have if you drove a clown car. I lean in closer to see what part of the bible when I realize that it's written in Arabic and the man is mouthing the words as if he were silently chanting or trying to memorize a passage. It's a pocket Koran!

He has a large mole on his cheek and the conflicting smell of someone who uses lots of deodorant but no soap. On his lap is a plastic bag containing a blender. I look around to see if anyone else has brought a home appliance along for the ride.

The man in front of me has his shirt on inside out. It's a GAP pollo type shirt and the seams on his shoulders stand out. The back of the shirt says:

made in Vietnam

He is holding up a photocopied packet of medical textbook stuff. He too is mouthing the words and I'm guessing he's a Medical Student on his way into the city to take an exam. I wonder if he's aware that his shirt is inside out. Perhaps he's some kind of undistractable Genius working on a cure for the Avian flu and only wears clothes to keep himself warm.

Across the Aisle is a man in his early sixties. He's over six foot, lean and very handsome. His jaw is strong and his features are chiseled. The old man has some sort of involutary movement issue and his leg stomps or his hand shakes. He seems frustrated and continues to work to still his body. I diagnose him with early onset Parkinsons and continue to take notes. He's dressed well, and I notice that he missed a few spots shaving. I wonder if I'll be brave enough to keep shaving when it comes for me. He's got a full head of beautiful silver hair, and I think 'Lucky'

The Medical student finally realizes that his shirt is inside-out and now cant read more than a paragraph without checking and rechecking his shirt. This makes me laugh.

A thick woman with three plastic bags boards the trolley and wants to sit next to the old man. He looks up at her with fear and embarrassment, but still scoots to make room on the bench seat. My heart goes out to him, and I marvel over the next few minutes how he is able to close his eyes and concentrate on being still. I think about the power of the mind, and the strength of mens souls.

We're a block away from the Station when he begins to audibly weep.

Miracle in the Park

I was walking in the park yesterday when I came upon an empty bench with a Garbage Can next to it. Standing out of the garbage can was a single Aluminum Crutch. It's such curious place to discard such a thing and my imagination twists to provide me with the scene that lead up to it being deposited here.

The Answer I got was a single word:


Baby Surly, I Await Your Command

I'm standing next to a magazine stand in the city. The light has yet to change, so I scan the covers of magazines, hoping against hope for a view of Tom Cruises offspring. When will we be shown your demons horns, your Spider Thorax or your sharpened Fangs?

You will save us, you and your vitamins and electric prods. My god hates me so I am turning myself over to something new....a religion with some star power and Marketing know-how. Hook me up, you couch jumping freak....

The light has changed.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

oh happy day (sarcasm)

Something great happened to me and a friend of mine. Something that we should be THRILLED about.

Me: I'm angry and my head hurts. I feel deflated.
Him: He's angry and horny.

Intent changes everything.....

Doctor Evil Stole My MoJo (haiku)

out of things to say
slack jawed, nothing there, window stare
a long day ahead

Friday, July 21, 2006

Wonder Woman (haiku)

tie me with your rope
i'll tell you all my secrets
they're not very good

tooth grind (haiku)

catabolic me
tearing myself down again
just what i deserve

Thursday, July 20, 2006

My Rhymes Are Dope (haiku)

black bag at my feet
sweaty head on bus glass
get me home, driver

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Incognito Eating a Burrito (or three)

I had my first win last night.

I was concerned going into it. It was a 3-burrito contest, and I am used to timed events such as "all you can eat for 8 minutes". Each burrito weighs about 1lbs, but they were extremely easy to chew and swallow. My worry was that it wasnt enough food for anyone in the pack to hit the wall. A 4-burrito contest would garentee that some natural good eater couldnt walk in off the street and beat me.

The contest is being held by a national chain, and is a series of contests over a month or two, the winners move on to the next level. Until the finals in Atlanta in September.

Leaving for the event my kids were upset that I didnt have my kilt on. The 7 year old was particularly upset, because it's my uniform, my costume, my persona. In most pro contests, I would be considered the underdog, I think it's ok to dress up for those events. This contest is closed to "Ranked Eaters" and will be mostly first time Amatuers and less experienced eaters like myself. I didnt want to be the asshole at the table, so I figured I'd eat Incognito for the first few rounds of this contest.

Half of the restaraunt was setup with a long table with names already taped infront of each seat. My father was in the area for work and I convinced him to come watch. GD and the boys got a table right in front of my nameplate.

I eyed the eaters as they came in and signed their legal waivers. Most were in there 20's and in good shape. The eaters were whispering about a huge 300lbs lineman looking guy, but he didnt worry me, the two skinny kids did. Nobody gave me a second look which is completely fine with me.

We are all given XL t-shirts to wear during the contest and the big guy wont fit into his so he continues to wear his "Survived Anorexia" T-shirt. I picked my favorite 'HotDog Johnnys' shirt to wear to the competition.

The weather was 100 degrees all day, and minutes before the contest a wicked stormfront came through, knocking trees down all over town and sending rain sideways under the front door of the store. The power got knocked out and the emergency lights came on. The manager locked the front door and officially closed the restaurant but said 'The Contest Will Continue'

So with emergency spotlights aimed at me and my family yelling I ripped into my first burrito. Once again it's a different food, and surprisingly different when consuming at high speed. Burritos are far less technical and require very little strategy...(god what a funny sentence THAT is) There were aluminum wrappers discarded all over the long table and I had a hard time telling where my competitor were...the boys kept yelling though, so I kept eating.

I have a very poor concept of time during competiton, but it was VERY fast, and my wife had to get the judges attention when I was on my last few bites of my third...the judge was watching the big guy finnish his first burrito and really didnt expect anyone to be done.

Everyone stopped eating for a second and looked at me midchew in disbelief, it was the feeling that I've been waiting for, and god am I savoring it.

Second place went to one of the skinny kids I was concerned about, he finnished four minutes after me. It was well over ten minutes before the whole table was done.

So the problem is that I have to face the winner of the contest carried out earlier in the day. It will be a 4-burrito contest and the winner of that will be the store champion. A week later will be a 10 store contest, follwed by regionals and then Nationals.

The winner of the other contest? My good friend Wing Kong.....

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Motorway to Lansdale (haiku)

ten to a table
three burritos to a plate
i'm starving to win

Floyd Landis takes the Yellow Jersey - Alp d'Huez July 18, 2006 (Haiku)

those words have echoed
"Floyd, run like you stole something"
wear it on your sleeve

(I wear it on mine!)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm going tyo keep drinking till I feel better

and here's what's really fucked. Did you know that Geraldo married and then divorced the daughter of Kurt Vonnegut?!?!? Poor Kurt, could you imagine handing your daughter away to HIM!?!?!?!
Can you actually see the ceremony? My goddamn literary hero and Geraldo
Kurt survived the Firebombing of Dresden in WWII!! Shouldnt he live have a life of jello and roses from then on? Doesnt he deserve better

"So it goes....."
god dont you love him, he's like 90 million years old or stuff

put on the plaid (haiku)

stubborn mind sparking
hardened heart awash in blood
who could want this more?

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dear Readers and Friends

Take that blue-tooth enabled headset off your fucking head so that I might smash it into tiny bits.

It used to be easy to spot the crazies. The talkers would have conversations with seemingly invisible people, and I would nuzzle in close to them on the train to get a glimpse of the colorful world they have woven around themselves.

Now you all talk like that, straight into the air, nodding and hand waving like somebody is right in front of you.

I hate that blue flashing light on the headset, I hate your loud conversations, I hate the handbag you chose to wear with that outfit.

Many of you from New Jersey will cry outloud in rage because the law does not permit you to use a handheld phone while driving, and I answer you with a bellowing of wisdom.

Unless you are using that extra free hand to masterbate, detatch that retarted thing from your skull, and throw it asunder. You look stupid and I wont tolerate it anymore....


back when 'do-overs' fixed everything (haiku)

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

hot feet on asphalt
fireflies in tupperware
drumsticks and bomb-pops


Adult Swim
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
mow the lawn
check email
work from home
watch tv
drive the little bastards to practice

Monday, July 10, 2006

Irony can be so Ironic Sometimes

John Bolton
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
This is George W. Bush's representitve for the UN. Can anyone recognize the painting he's standing in front of?!?!?!?


Damn you for not staying in the Veal Box I built for you so many years ago.....(haiku)

a hundred moons gone
i am so very different
who said you could change?

Friday, July 07, 2006

didya ever consider

maybe you're sleeping
with all the wrong people?

i just realized

i forgot to eat again today.....

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Big Red Machine

That asshole with the neck tattoo only had to be tough for one hour. He needs to move out of the way for me

i call you mumpy (haiku)

balls like oranges
a grown man who has the mumps
why is that funny?

headlong (haiku)

break the last good thing
do it so we can all gawk
you cant stop yourself

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Tell Me Mr Skilling (8-word poem)

Heart of Hearts:
How do you feel

Kenny Boi (haiku)

i laughed of your death
no really, i laughed out loud
thanks for the good news

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Message on my Answering Machine....

"Mr Steakbellie,
This is (insert name of 10 year old punk neighborhood kid here)
I just ate a hotdog in 18 seconds

Monday, July 03, 2006

I have no ticket to the dance

Tomorrows the dance and I have no ticket.

I was up all freaking night, bothered that I have been left out. There's one last chance to win a seat, and it takes place TODAY in fact it takes place in about 30 minutes, but I'm stuck at work (probably the only guy in Philly) working on a major project. It's painful to let this opportunity go. Everyone that can beat me has either qualified or already done the three qualifier maximum.

So in exchange for responsibility, I let my dream go and will watch the contest with my family on ESPN. I'll cook up a stack of Nathan's 'bigger than the bun' and we'll scream at the TV like idiots. Coverage starts at noon, the eating starts at 12:40pm est sharp.

The big deal you will hear about is the showdown between Joey Chestnut, the young student from San Jose who can eat 50 HotDogs and Kobyashi from Japan who has once eaten 53 and hasnt lost the contest for 5 years.

But there's more....each of 20 or so competitors up there is also a fan and ironically wont be able to get a good view of the Joey/Koby Showdown. What I know is that each of those eaters has a number in their head and they will be putting up with great discomfort to hit that number and have a respectable showing.

What will they win? Maybe just a folded up yellow ribbon with the words "PARTICIPANT" on it. Thats good enough for me....and next year I'll get one.....

Good Luck to everybody at the table!!!!