Friday, April 29, 2005

Black Thirteen

Black Thirteen
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

drinking and blogging

so anyway, I was supposed to lift tonght but the new people moved in and we had a big ass imprompto party in their drivewway (spellings an issue) and this one neighbor started blabbing her mouth about her dumb ass college roommmate. Well her roomaate was a virgin and was obsessed with sex. She'd ask every night what it was like and grill all the girls. To make up for it she blew every guy she met....right, i know.....and there are two important things to remember here.

1. She blew alot of guys
B. My neighbor had to take her to the hospital because she got CRABS in her eyelashes and was trying to scratch her eyes out
4. She is now a Neuro Surgeon

I told her she should have been an oral surgeon.

The Deceiver

Somebody at work was shocked when they found out I like to garden
I asked why that was
they said it was because that I came accross as such a Conservative person.

I gave her a big smile

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

have whats her name wake me up when all of this is over

its gonna be another late night and no sleep

Karl Marx action figure

Karl Marx action figure
Originally uploaded by riddle.
F'ing beau. Look at his big swinging dong....that big dick with the cyber gun thing just makes me laugh....look at the brilliant idea, and made for no other reason than to do it....nobodies paying him to scupt these things, he doesnt have to please anyone or pass their standads....If if didnt work on it, he wouldnt miss the deadline.....I'm jealous in a naked fucking Karl Marx kinda way.

4:45 Blues

hitting send/receive
starving for some e-mana
fillers for my time

dont panic

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
I made this graphic for a blog entry I was going to write about how funny something or another was or something. But I really dont think anyone cares all that much so I'm gonna save it and just yell it to the people who are locked in my subway car with me. At least they'll tell me to shut up.

Talking to the Crazies

One of the advantages to Public Transportation is that you get exposed. People of every walk are jammed into a timecapsule that only opens every few minutes. During that time if there are any crazies onboard they will make themselves known as soon as the doors shut.

I love crazies. Most of them are harmless, and just have a need to speak. I say the crazy things I think on this blog, they speak them on the train. We all need an anonymous ear to hear us.

Yesterday, there was a guy talking in a preacher-like voice giving a sermon to the window. "When I say jump, you better say 'how high' on the way up!" You get some black power rants, some jesus rants, but mostly people cursing out some ghost in their past.

Typically, I follow the Prime Directive and just observe, not interact or disrupt. I'm usually smiling to myself, watching the crazy in one of the many reflectivve surfaces.

So on the Trolley this morning I sit next to a talker. Not necessarily a crazy, just someone who will strike up a conversation with you despite the fact you are reading AND have headphones on.

Now I have a friend who is a social genius. He could have a meaningful conversation with anyone. He stores an infinite amount of factoids about every occupation, every town, every social movement, historical event, sport, or hobby in his head. Within the first few sentences he's made a connection with a stranger, by mentioning something that is personal to them. They mention they are from Lincoln Nebraska, and he says "I hear the HotDogs from Woodys are the best anywhere" Bingo, he's mentioned a restaurant they used to go to as a kid, and opened up a big door. I've seen it happen a million times, and he always finds a way to make that connection, it's fascinating.

So today the talker is asking me about the lottery numbers and we have a small chitchat abouth that (I've decided to try to play this like my friend would) and then the guy blurts out that yesterday he went to LinVilla, So I've been to LinVilla Orchards, and I say "I love that place, they have the best Carmel Apples", he looks at me kind of funny says 'yeah' and doesnt say another word the rest of the ride.

That got me thinking about my friend. One time we spent about 6 hours watching the Penn Relays. We had great seats, but we were in the sun most of the day and got alittle sunburned. Afterwards we went to a bar that was nearby for one or nine beers.

We sit at the bar, a have acouple and are talking and goofing around. An old black guy leans into the bar to get a beer through the crowd. My buddy helps him get the bartenders attention. To be funny he starts talking in a 'Smokers Voice' all low and gravely, the kind of voice you dont want to say more than a couple of sentences in. He's using it exuberantley with big arm motions. This is all for my benefit, and it's pretty funny.....

My buddy starts up a conversation with this guy, not meaning to make a connection, just continuing it because he knows I'm laughing. Without even realizing it, my friend hooks the guy in, and he pulls up a chair.

I kick my buddy under the chair, I'm trying not to crack up, we both know he cant give up the voice now. He's committed.

We spend the next 4 hours talking to this guy and buying him beers. He's fascinating...he ran in the Penn Relays in High School, he fought in Vietnam and got screwed up in the head, he's been homeless, a junkie, and he's got HIV.

The entire time my buddy keeps the voice going. He's drinking more than normal because his throats on fire. It's cracking, but we're still here. We leave the bar. We take the old guy with us. He's from DC, so we take him to a great cheesesteak place and buy him a real Philly Cheesesteak.

Then we walk the old guy to the bus station and wait with him for his bus to arrive. My buddy is still talking in the voice. He's committed.

We put the old guy on his bus and laugh our asses off. Although I cant hear his laugh, he's lost his voice.

So I think about this memory on the train and actually laugh outloud....sitting alone, I'm the crazy....

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Quirks keep on coming....

I've listed a fair amount of quirks here, and I've just realized another.

Before I walk into a store, I look down to make sure that I'm wearing pants...and not like I'm worried I might have shorts on, more like somehow I got all the way here in only my underwear, and didnt notice. I guess it's based on that dream we've all had? dunno.....crazy steakbellie crazy.....

Monday, April 25, 2005

The Boy who saved my life

Pounding a double
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
This guy saved my life, and in a very real way. He did it as a baby, and just by showing up. I was a complete mess with no real plan of where to go or what to do...POW! Get your shit together Dad, because now everything counts, no more 'do-overs'.

So he's turned into a wonderful boy...just turned eleven, and he did a really cool thing a month ago that got me thinking about how crazy it is how kids turn out. I have three sons with my wife, and they are all so very different. I bet we could have 20 sons and none of them would be alike. Whats funny is who gets what from which parent...but let me get back to the point and save the kid comparisons for another Blog.

The Cool Thing: Those of you with pre-teens or older will see the coolness of this. My son read voraciously. He's usually reading 2 or three books at the same time. He gets them out of the school library, and is always on the lookout for a new series. So around Christmas Time I suggested that he should read a book called "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". It's an incredibly silly book that I read in grade school and have reread it a few time in my life.

So here's the thing, I mentioned it once, and said, you might like this. I didnt push or bring it up again. Months later he remembers it and gets ahold of a copy and starts to read it. On my recommendation!

He loves it and is reading the second book of the five part trilogy (dont ask). By cooincidence they annouced that a movie version is being released soon, and me and him have a date set up.

So bring home Monty Pythons 'Holy Grail' on DVD and we sit like total goofballs giggling all night at the movie.

They get big so fast, I feel so fortunate to make a connection like this. No arguments or fights, or tests of wills, just two goofballs enjoying our time together

dear maynard

is it possible do you think
for environmental conditions to be right
to push you back into sanity?
if events can make you crazy,
can they also undue the damage?
even temporarily?

Maybe it would just be the situation
inspiring you to burn the reserves
to spend the energy
to see things as they really are,
for a moment or for a day

like the old woman
who's body has died
shut down
but chooses to live until morning
because thats when her son's flight comes in

surely if she can hold the gates of death aloft for twelve hours
I can hold back this curtain

Friday, April 22, 2005

Friday Night

"Standing here like a loaded gun
waiting to go off
I've got nothing to do but
Shoot my mouth off"

Internet Hunting

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
"....Hagberg, as the Los Angeles Times noted, worked a computer mouse with his mouth and tongue on Saturday, April 9, to shoot at an antelope on a game reserve near Boeme, Texas, while lying in bed in Ligonier, a town in northeastern Indiana...."

Couldnt we just set up a bunch of these internet controlled guns in IRAQ and then just hire a bunch of Quadrapalegics to shoot Iraqis? Then we could bring our soldiers home, the Iraqi's would still get shot and we'd be employing hundreds severly handicapped people!

It's a complete Win/Win!!!!

"You cant polish a turd"

I have a friend that used to say this to me all the time. I would come into work with a hopefull story about somebody who was turning their shit around or doing something great and he'd wait for me to finish and hit me with that big wet fish of a comment. In the end he was usually right, said person would fall on their face or return to mediocrity.

I have a side business I've been running for 2 years with a guy. He's fun to hang out with and a family man, but he's a financial wreck. I agreed to set-up and maintain the web portion of the business for free in exchange for half ownership. He would handle corporate sales, bookeeping, paying bills and phone calls. We also used his contacts to get a competitive advantage on product. It was alot of work but I was willing to take it on. Because of my skillset the business got rolling on about $400 total!

2004, it paid for itself, but no more.
2005 is coming around and through DAILY work on my part is starting to make money. REAL money is a year away, but it's building consistantly. I can chart and see the's real, I've increased revenue, and cut expenses.

My partner lives in California, and is out of throttling range. He's a classic sales guy and can talk to anybody. He knows how to use catch phrases for any industry, and how to be your buddy. I figured out he's a bullshitter early on, but I have a soft spot for people who are struggling. Arent we all struggling? He's a family guy and I figured my efforts can help both of us. I'm not greedy, I want all of us to win.

He's a classic dreamer too. Lots of ideas, and he oversimplifies them, and is sure that this will be the one, this will be like "Printing Money" Well, I know how to print money, and it's easier to just earn it.

I find out yesterday that he's been taking money out the last 2 months to pay for "expenses". It's just acouple of hundred dollars, but in the end it's the principle of the whole thing. His job isnt going well and he's in financial straits. I know he's using the money to cover costs with his family. Morality is the first thing to go when you're hungry, and I'd do whatever I had to do to feed my family. I'm just pissed off, because it's like dealing with an addict.

We purposely havent taken a penny out of the business so that it had a chance to grow. This is really upsetting because it had a chance, and now I want to scrap the whole thing and possibly relaunch it myself. It would take me another year to get it where it is today, but I know everything would be done correctly. It's really difficult to put energy into it now.

I need another can of polish, I cant seem to get this turd to shine.....

Japan sorry for WWII

That is one of the links on the MSN homepage today, along with "Aniston-Cox email snafu". I thought it looked pretty funny how 50 years after one of the worst wars ever, MSN summarizes it in four words, and doesnt even give it a 20x20 pixel icon like it did for the Jennifer Aniston story. HA!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

My Favorite Bible Verse

I once was a very religeous person, I had a very earnest search for answers, at an unlikely time of life. It is an experience that has flavored who I am and who I will be. There's one Bible passage that has stuck with me. It's Ephesians 6:12
"For we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness"

I like the choice of the word "wrestle". Wrestling involves using your arms, legs, even your face to out leverage an opponent. During the match it may not always be clear who is winning, being on top doesnt gaurentee anything, at any point you may loose your balance and be thrown. It's alot like life. You can prepare and be skillfull, but at anypoint be thrown down.

And lets look at who we're fighting. It's rarely "flesh and blood" of a single person, but against groups, against ideals, against trends. We fight against low sales, and poor school district performance. We fight against faceless enemies "Polluters" and the IRS.

We all have a different idea who these powers are, but apparently in the last 2,000 years since this book was written, we're still wrestling.

"Pretty girls make graves"

Hot girl has Masters
No Integrity to match
and now she's fired

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Backroom Papacy

Heritics are caught
Lets play Good Pope, Bad Pope
Get them to confess

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Test

And Begin.....
I've received the test that will decide the future of my time here at this company. The CEO handed me a 550 document that we sent out as an answer to an rfp. We didnt get the job and it was worth 2 million dollars. The client stated that the biggest reason was their lack of confiedence in our IT department.

I didnt write the rfp but I'm going to rewrite it, the way I see it should be done. The biggest problem is that it's written in French. Not really but almost. It's so technical that I recognize letters and can figure out the meaning of some of the words, but I dont know exactly what it says.

It's alittle scary because I dont totally understand what it says....but I'm excited because I see the biggest problem is presentation....something I'm very very good at. Simple things, use the same fonts throughout, same point size, and leading. MAke all of you headers the same. throw in some bullet points, always start with a summary. spellcheck the freaking thing.

If I can turn this document around so that we can learn from it and use it as a basis for future docs, then I'm golden. If not, I'll need to start looking....

Monday, April 18, 2005

Vatican Hijinks

Alter Boy puts red smoke bomb in Sistine Chapel Chimney.

Saturday, April 16, 2005


living my half-life

sparks from my posioned core
splitting off ideas
radiating heat
and alittle light

cool my blood
with great floods
of this heavy water


Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
my new favorite shirt
I dont really like sweets, but sometimes I crave chocolate like it was sex.

Atlantic Shitty

Atlantic Shitty
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
People get really really stupid when it comes to gambling. I worked in advertising in AC for 5 years and got to see first hand old lady's taking 3 slot machines hostage and playing all 3 as fast as they possibly can. Women who later in the day unravel a coupon to get a dollar off the pressed meat sandwhich buffet. I recently spent a night in a casino a 100 yards away from where I used to work. I watched them build the tower that this photo was taken in.

I gambled $40 the whole night, but I think that's only because I've been around it and saw what a sad thing it really is. I just have a distast for it I guess. However I LOVE playing poker, but not in a casino.....

Most of the people I went with lost between $200 and $500. Perfectly sane reasonable people who are able to balance checkbooks and run businesses. And sure most of it can be chalked up to having fun. Taking a chance and laughing when you loose.

Remeber this: Towers of Glass and Steel do not rise out of the swamp for free. They arent giving a thing away and your stuipid system isnt smarter than theirs.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Fuck It

All of this Introspection has crashed upon my wall of Self Hatred.
Oh look, America's Oldest Brewery has sent sent 12 Green Bottles for me to process.......

OK so it's mostly Good.....

I'm still very surprised at how this whole thing came about. I was planning on putting in a year until my wife finished grad school, and then dropping a line to see what's biting. I've been here 6 month and only recently stopped dreading it. My last few months have been very productive and I guess that made a good impression. Mostly I kept my mouth shut...guess that was the kicker. Keep your mouth shut and smile.

Here's a quote that I can attribute to Donovan McNabb, that I've been taking to heart when put in these kind of situations...."Act like you've been there"

The Good, The Bad, You're Ugly

The Good:
The owner of my company wants to spin off my Department, and has asked me if I'd like to run it...kinda a surprise, kinda scary, very exciting. Several projects need to be complete first..he thinks it's 6 months, looks like a year from my seat.

The Bad:
Other parts of our company have been growing and we're running out of space. They will probably move my dept to another floor to make room, and to get it to start acting like it's own company. I have a really nice office. It's all windows and is the second biggest office on the whole floor. If we move, I'll probably be downgraded.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Doing everything but what's important

Katie & Nicole

Katie & Nicole
Spitting up formula in
Matching pink onesies

Black Thirteen

The locks have grown long
He's waiting for the high priest
To bring it all down

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


no, yes, no; dunno
maybe; i'll see; no, no, no
no, yes, no; dunno

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Monday, April 11, 2005



Friday, April 08, 2005

The Struggle Within

pope revised
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
I was thinking about life this morning. It became clear that there are very very few situations in your life that you must choose between good and evil....right and wrong. Most of the things we have done that we regret come about from a long series of decisions or (mostly) inactions that lead us down a path to that end. You dont want to be obese, but tiny tiny choices that you make during the day have brought you this particular end. Maybe you guys fries with that...over and over. The guy who takes the stairs....he's investing in a result that's years away.

Lifting today will not make you Mr Universe. Be consistant. Make it part of your routine. Plan it before your busy day envelops you. Years from now you will able to clearly see the path you have walked down, and plenty examples around you of those who chose the other.

We dont want our relationships with our friends, spouses, and children to suffer and fall apart, these failures take time, a long time. Not talking to your son when you had the time, not bringing flowers home to the old lady, not calling your buddy to see how they are.

Things fall apart. You have to invest alittl bit of energy now to even have a CHANCE. If you wait till later it may be too big a project to overcome.

Hell, it's one of the laws of thermodynamics....things naturally go to disorder. Turn off the TV, get off that fucking computer...make something small today.

Answered Prayers

A great friend of mine has always wanted twins in his he has them...just not as he expected it.

Question of the Day

If I get drunk and play Gran Turismo 4, am I breaking any laws? What if I'm really good at it?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

my dream

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.
so here's last nights dream.
I'm camping out on the deck of the Battleship New Jersey with a bunch of guys I used to work with. We're sitting on old lawn chairs playing poker and drinking heavily. Suddenly I feel that something is wrong....something is missing...i'm heartbroken, somethings not right.....
thats it


words can be flowers
letters make the soft petals
intent, the fragrance

My War

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

You have to wonder about the brain. I woke up this morning with "My War" from Black Flag playing over and over in my head. It's been playing for at least 3 hours now.
"You're one them, you say you're my friend, but you're one of them...."
Who's the DJ in here? Why this song today? Why over and over? Is this a message from my subconscience, or just something stupid my brain has latched onto? Did this happen to Cave people? Instead of music did they hear coconuts knocking? How about deaf people, do they have something similar but with Braille?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Principle Trumps Opportunity, Rock Beats Scissors

My world travelling parents returned from Italy on Saturday and now the Pope is dead.

One of their stops was in Pisa. My Dad glowed with excitement describing the city and the famous leaning tower. It was built as a 'thankyou' to Mary for letting them win a particular battle.
"Do they let people climb the tower"
"Yes, they restored it beautifully, and secured it so that it still leans but cannot fallover."
"Did you climb to the top?" "No, the crooks wanted $20 a person to go to the top"
"You were on the other side of the world! You were right there! Now if you ever want to go to the top it will cost you $2020 because you will have to fly there first!"
"Nope, I'm not getting taken like that... should have seen Florence!"

Icecream Truck Haiku

prowling streets again
free jingles, but cash for treats
re-circling my block

Monday, April 04, 2005


Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I take them to my park. It's not like normal, today is the first nice day of Spring, and it is packed with people.

Lunchtime Lovers
Mothers watching children
Mothers watching Nannys watching children
Business People

I walk here everyday. 3 laps when the weather is cold, 5 when it's nice
My wife waits for cheesesteaks while I field questions
Can we see your Work from here?
Do you work in the tallest building?
If a plane attacks that building will we be killed?
Can I have a soda?

We try to do a lap, they climb on every statue, find old tennis balls and watch the people pick up the dog-poop with their plastic bags

We eat our cheessteaks. They're very good.
Thanks for coming to see me, it's nice to not be alone for lunch.

I'm going to go to school here someday
I'm going to live here someday
Can I have another soda?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Thats enough venom for today

I'll spend all weekend thinking of something nice to write for next week......

Terri Shivo's First Full Day in Hell

Thats not my opinion. Personally I think she's been in hell for 15 years and now she's finally at rest. It's actually the opinion of most of the people who were fighting to keep her hooked up. Most of them are 'Born Again' Christians, and they believe that if you arent 'Born Again' then you go to hell. No Questions asked, no exceptions. Terri Shiavo was NOT a Born Again Christian, she was a Roman Catholic, and Evangelicals hate Catholicism. Catholics do not go to Heaven

George W Bush is having a prayer service for the Pope as we speak. Next time you see him ask him where the Pope goes when he dies.

I know this because Tyler knows this.

The cover of the paper this morning had her poor Father leading a prayer service in an Evangelical Church. Behind him was a huge TV screen with high end graphics and
band to sing 'Praise Music'. They are using poor Mr Shindler and his dead daughter to build a 'Culture of Life'. Essentially building a case and precident to overturn Abortion....this poor woman has become their ralling cry and their martyr yet she's not welcome in their heaven.

Pope for a Day

Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

When I was a kid, we had a new Pope everyday. They were constantly Pontificating and then dieing. This one seems to have really rocked the system, refusing to die when he was shot, or when Sinead O'Connor tore up his picture.

I'm not Catholic, but I like this Pope. He's smart and speaks a million languages. He likes to travel alot and see the people on the ground, when he can. Plus he LOOKS like a Pope. It's hard to imagine that somebody else will get to wear that beanie.

Interesting Pope Trivia....the bodies of dead Popes are mumified! The reasoning goes that at the resurrection, the Popes will need them when they come back to life, so that they can help Jesus and whatnot!

Caffienated Venom

I dont think theres enough coffee in this fucking machine to sustain me. Another late night for stupid reasons. I dont have anything nice to say, and alot of it.