Rachael Ray Cant Take 'No' for an Answer
So I actually ran into Rachael Ray yesterday.
The bookstore is mobbed and I have my usual look of befuddlement. The crowd is diverse and just standing around in their coats. Noone is looking at books.
There is a Security Guard Blocking the Escalator and I attempt to walk around him, because really...why would he want to keep ME from the third floor???? He turns to me from the mob of close to 100 and mumbles directly.
Security Guard: "Are you here for the Rachel Ray Event"
Steakbellie: (just hears the name 'Rachel Ray' and knows immediatley that she must really really like me alot to show up in my head TWICE in a week) feinging misunderstanding "What?"
Security Guard still mumbling: "Are you here for the Rachel Ray Event"
Steakbellie: i get it this time, Rachel Ray must be here signing books on the third floor. "No, I'm not Ray"
Security Guard now mumbling angrily: "Are you here to buy a book?"
Steakbellie: "Clearly" (OK I didnt really say that I just said 'Yes' but I sound alot wittier if I edit the text.)
Security Guard making room for me to get on the escalator: "Oh"
I looked at all the jealous hoards as I ascend to the floor that holds Rachael Ray. Suddenly, everything is Rachael Ray. Cardboard cutouts, stacks of books, calendars. There are more people on this floor too, but these people have special wristbands...and they are all holding books that they want her to autograph. They are Men and Women. They are Young and Old.
Everyone is chatting nervously, but the common word is:
Rachel Ray
Rachel Ray
Rachel Ray
I wonder for a moment if everyone calls her Rachel Ray. Do you think her Mom just says Rachel, or maybe even just Rach?
All of this attention. All of this buzz, I am swayed to believe she must be more important than I ever imagined. She must be Eight Feet Tall, and er farts must smell of Lavender.
God speaks to us all through the overhead speaker:
"Attention: Miss Ray has not arrived but will be here shortly. For your safety, you will be called to the third floor by the numbers on your wristbands. We can only allow Fifty at a time."
I look at some books and waste time till she shows. It would be pretty ironic if I saw her days after mentioning her on my blog. After ten minutes, I am overstimulated by the crowd of worshippers and suddenly have to leave the building. I get this same reaction in crowded malls. I know once she gets here here enterauge of handlers, publicity and Secret Service staff will just be too much. I give up. I'm leaving. Audi 5000. Good Bye Rachel Ray.
People watch me descend from her perch and wonder if I am somebody important. Perhaps her Manager? The second and first floors have gotten deep with people holding green books.
Everyone is waiting.
It's cold outside, and I'm glad to be free of breathing other peoples air. There are news vans. I wonder if she will be brought in by Helicopter. By Space Shuttle. By Armored Humvee.
Walking towards me is of course Rachael Ray. All alone. Ha.
9 comments:
How does her bottom-side look? You never get to see her posterior on the show. Is it big but nice? Big and sloppy? suprisingly small? Disappointingly small?
If I saw her I would tell her I have a EVOO-like catch phrase myself. RROYKB. You can figure itn our yourself.
She had a big fluffy winter coat on....SHE DID HOWEVER have big black leather boots on, which is always a plus.
She wasnt Hollywood Thin or anything, in fact she looked like a regular goddamned person.....also bonus points
It's so obvious now: she's stalking you.
Stop! I cannot believe this happened to you after your blog post. Hilarious.
strange but true
and believe me Artie I tried to checkout her cans and dumper, but like I said....fluffy jacket.
RR is just keeping it real. That's why people like her so much. She has no backside, only front. (I don't really know that for sure, I'm just guessing)
That's an interesting theory, srf. If she has no back, then the cardboard cutouts are a better facsimilie of her than we ever expected.
I'm surprised that SB's face didn't melt when he beheld her glory, like something out of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It must be exciting for employees to have something like that at a book store. It's not like they sell PlayStation 3 or have good prices on HDTVs. That makes me feel sorry for the local sports writers that I see sitting by themselves at book signings, hoping that someone will at least acknowledge their existence.
I doubt that John Updike would get the Rachel Ray treatment if he were signing books. He's not that cute. Maybe he should go on Oprah.
Awesome! I would turn around and hold the door, stride confidently to the elevator with her, flip the security guard a nod while point up and wave to the throng of stay-at-home-mom foodie geeks while the doors closed. Then try to slink out of store unnoticed.
Actually, while you had her ear you could have totally convinced her to have you and some other IFOCE guys on her show.
I'm still trying to decypher Artie's RROYKB. Does the "K" stand for "Kooky" or "Kinky"? I think kinky?
Keep trying, Mega Much. I wil reveal the answer as the clock stikes midnight, Christmas morn. It will be my gift to the world
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