I've been Blogged!

Sassy Travels: Jeepers Creepers....Sassy Travels has done some more research on the Runaway Bride's big freaking googly eyes. She asked to use my wilbanks photo and how could I refuse?

Never been done before

Until Tuesday night I had never been to a movie alone. The biggest reason is that since High School I havent been alone for more than a handful of days. Less than 2 weeks in fact...this is since 1989. Isnt that crazy?

Whats crazier is what happens every time I am alone. I get shitfaced drunk completely by accident.

Here's how the accident happens. The wife and kids go to my inlaws or something for the night. I have to work so I stay home. Most people decide to take it easy and enjoy the silence. I get it in my head that I'm going to get things done, I'm going to complete one or two unfinnished projects, and then get some decent sleep for once. So my head starts to think and thats where it all ends.

I start whatever project I have planned. Things go great for about a half an hour, then I have to get something in the basement. I see the laundry pile, and figure it would be nice for my wife to come back to less laundry. It'll be easy, I'll just pop acouple loads in, and it will get done at the same time I'm working! Dragging clean clothes upstairs and dirty ones down, I pick up some stray, cups and plates and figure I should get the dishwasher going too. I get the dishwasher half empty when I realize I could have my computer downloading music at the same time all of this is happening.

I grab a beer when I pass the fridge, I'm going to be at the computer for abit, so I take an extra. I get on the computer and check mail and start queing things for download, when I realize that the suns going down and I should probably cut the grass. That would be nice to come home to, but I've got to keep the other systems going so I do another load of laundry and pile the clean stuff on my bed to be folded and put away later. I have another beer and get the front lawn cut. I come in and check on my downloads and do another load.

I'm getting hungry so I decide to make dinner. What does a guy all alone want to eat? Steak!!! I get the charcoal grill fired up and while thats getting hot and the songs are downloading and the clothes are washing and drying, I remember that I should finnish my intial project that has tools spread out all over the goddamned place. I'm talking to the dogs, and they bark back at me, they dont like when the kids are gone. I should get another beer, I mean I am alone and should be able to enjoy it!

At this point I'm moments away from throwing it all away and firing up the PlayStation til 2 or 3am at which point I set the alarm for 6 and pass out face down in an enourmous pile of clean laundry with 2 80lbs dogs and at least one cat sleeping on top of me.

As you can imagine, the state of the house does not go over well when my wife gets home, while I'm at work.

So Tuesday night, I decided I would do everyone a favor and go see Batman instead....

Vietnam War Memorial

Vietnam War Memorial
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Vietnam War Memorial
If you ever go to Washington DC, you have HAVE TO experience the Vietnam War Memorial. I was a baby when this war finally ended, and I was fortunate enough not to have any relatives go there.

What makes this Memorial so very amazing is that it is a brutally human experience. People are actively mourning at this site.

The Wall consists of 58,195 names of American Killed, engraved in polished black granite. All of the names are listed in the order they were killed. It is heartwrenching when you actually see name after name after name.

Old people kneeled before their sons names weeping. Young children did charcoal rubbings of what must be their Grandfathers names.

People had taped letters and photos to the wall. Flowers left, gifts left. Every day the Parks commision collects these offerings, and the next day new ones come. 365 Days a year. These young Men are not forgotten by their families, by their friends, by their girlfriends.

I didnt speak the entire time because of how choked up I had become. I might be good for my kids to see me cry in some way, but I kept the code of men. I knew I had to say something about what was going on. I had prepared them for what they might see, but hadnt expected to be emotional myself. I managed to tell them "Each of these people had a body, a family, a story, a life."

In six years my oldest will be elegible to die in Iraq. Will I have to come to some new wall that we are building to do a charcoal rubbing of his name? See that boy in the reflection? Thats him. He's as real as the poor boys listed here were.

You should visit this wall. No matter where you are politically, this wall is an education in the realities of war and what our families are dealing with 30 and 40 years later.

Bar B Que Battle

wienermobile
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Whats more American than the weinermobile? I can think of anything, except maybe the Boob-Mobile. Wouldnt that be awesome to drive this sucker around town? How embarrassed would your teen-agers be when you dropped them off at the movies in this thing. What if this was the only car you let them borrow?

I saw this sucker at the "Bar-B-Que Battle" in DC. It costs me $35 to get my family in the door. Their were supposed to be free samples. The free sample line was enourmous, and they were giving out those little boxes of cereal and cookies. WTF? I mean dont you expect the 'Free Samples' to be BBQ related? I dont expect a free rack of ribs, but how about a cup of chili? I mean I did pay $35!!!

Now the streets were lined with competitors who came from all of the country with these enourmous grills to do BBQ battle. They closed down 4 blocks of Pennsylvania Avenue and hundreds of competitors lined the fences they erected. Here I was, ready to drop some serious cash, going from competitor to competitor testing & tasting their craft.

The smell was maddening, and is what drew us to this event, you could smell chicken and pork over at the White House!

The shameful reality was that NONE of the BBQ was for sale to the public!!!!! NONE OF IT The only people allowed to get food were judges!. They dont tell you that on the way in. The event organizers set up only 3 FRIGGIN stands that sold food. It cost me ANOTHER $60 to get my family 18 ribs, 1 smoked Turkey Leg (that was undercooked), 1 McRib type sandwich, and frozen lemonades. The event was a complete rip-off. Why the hell would I want to check out this contest if I could only LOOK at the competitors...I was starving! I AM STEAKBELLIE FEED ME!

I think it's a reaccurring event, when it comes to your city, stay away. Unless you wanna see the weinermobile that is....

You KNOW that theres a list somewhere of people that have had sex in the weinermobile...theres gotta be...can you imagine how cool THAT would be?!?!

No, thank YOU, Mr President

Dear Mr. Bush,
Thank you so very much for getting back at those dirty Iraqi's for what they did to us on 9-11. So far we've killed over 100,000 Iraqi's since we have been there (most are women and childen thank goodness for you 'culture of life' people) but thats in revenge for the Iraqi Nationals who hijacked those planes and flew them into the towers...and the Iraqi money that financed it, and the Iraqi minds that planned it.

I almost feel bad that we actually attacked Afghanastan first, boy what a mistake THAT was...WHEW!!! Can you imagine if we had wasted 200 Billion Dollars trying to Kill Osama Bin Laden?!?! They dont even have any oil!

Truly Disappointed

The cool thing about being in a city is that people hand out free crap all the time. Walk a few blocks during rush hour and you might get samples of deoderant, candy bars, or coupons. Typically, I avoid anyone trying to hand me something (unless it's a hoagie) but on the way home I spotted a flock of young marketers handing out packets of Nicorette Gum! Now I already dont smoke, so I figured it would be a great time to start chewing it. I'd pop a new piece in every 10 minutes until something happened.

People were grabbing the packages like they were real cigarettes. I got 6! Just enough to attempt my little experiment on the train commute. Now I was really surprised that they could hand that stuff out on the street corner, so you can imagine how excited I was to have such a bounty! The outside of the package has the big logo and all kinds of BlahBlah about the new cool mint Flavor! which I am about to enjoy. I take a seat on the El, and open the first package. Inside, they have a big announcement. THIS IS ONLY A SAMPLE TO DEMONSTRATE THE NEW GREAT MINT FLAVOR AND DOES NOT CONTAIN NICOTINE.

How shitty is that? I still ate the first piece and it sucked. I'm throwing the rest away. Here's an idea, shouldnt they have Tobbacco flavored gum that these people can chew in the bars so they can get bad breath without making my clothes stinky?

A great story I found whilst blog jumping....

Things That Make Me Go Hmmmmm....: Church

six beers from happy

God made me to break rocks.

Somewhere along the way somebody told me I was smart. They mistook my silence for wisdom, my ignorance for endurance, my trivia for intellegence, my niavity for morality. I believed them, and now I sit here in this office.

I'm not smart though. My brain chatters non-stop, the same way that my leg bounces when I sit down. Just because my leg is moving doesnt mean I'm running a marathon. My turning thoughts arent doing anything but making me sick.

I want a helmet and a hammer. I want safety glasses and steel tipped shoes. Point me towards a Mountain, and I'll make myself so tired, that there will finally be silence within. You'll have to tell when the sun goes down to go home, because I just dont know when to stop.

Sit me down at coffee and I will recite the automated responses:"Working Hard?", "Hardly Workin!","Ya Cocksucker" We will go around the circle, and everyone will say what we have planned for retirement. I will be the only one smiling, because there wont be a thing in my head.

Just because he's cute

son number 3
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Here's Son Number 3. I just wanted to make sure he got equal face time on my blog as the other two have.

When there's nothing you can do

son number 2
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I was having an ok day. With 2 working parents and 3 boys, life can get very hectic. Many times to wind up getting together with other parents in the same boat, and creating a coalition to help each other out. Mostly we call them friends. It can actually make things easier, my kid my be a handful, but if yours comes over, they can play together and make things easier. Plus I know you'll repay the favor sometime.

My wife only works part time in the summer beacuse the boys are out of school, today was a day she had to go in for a few hours. The boys had things like swim practice (all at different times) a trip to the Ice Skating Rink (with the Rec Dept) and finally time at the neighbors till she gets home. My wife arranges all of this because she can. I'm an absolute moron when it comes to getting people somewhere on time, when I'm not the driver.

This morning my wife drops Number 2 Son at swim practice on her way to work. One of the Moms volunteers to bring Number 2 home after practice (instead of a friend that was going to swing by) Her son is a friend of Number 2 and she wanted number 2 to come of for abit today to play with him. So they arrange everything and exchange phone numbers.

It starts to rain at the end of practice and this lady grabs her kids and runs to the car. She leaves my 9 year old son all alone at the freaking swimclub. Do you know what piece of shit I feel like knowing that my kid was forgotten and alone, while I'm almost an hour from rescuing him? As a parent I feel like a complete schmuck. My son doesnt care, but I feel like a hopeless useless piece of machinery.

The original friend came and resucued him. It was an hour before this lady remembered and left an apology on my wife cell phone. This really sucks. My wife gets so upset over these things, and todays her birthday. Happy Birthday.

Weekend Adventure

Took the family to Washington DC this weekend. I can see many blog articles coming from this trip. I'll start with a list of the top 5 things were most exciting/memorable for me:
* Me and my sons peeing on a bush within sight of the White House Gates
* The Smithsonian Air & Space Museum - All the best stuff that Dads & Boys care about
* The Vietnam War Memorial - Extraordinarily Moving
* The International Spy Museum - All kinds of cool stories and gadgets
* Fords Theatre - You can actually see the place they shot Lincoln!
We did much much more, but thats for starters!

A mighty tale of woe and regret

son number 1
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

My 11 year old beat me in "HORSE" yesterday playing basketball. I was beating him H-O-R-S to nada, when he staged an amazing 15 minute comeback. I'd make six shots in a row and he'd follow suit. Then I'd miss, and he'd make a hard one.

I did what any decent father would do. I started talking some serious shit. It STILL works on my little brother...and he's 28! This 11 year old was unflappable! In retrospect I SHOULD have gone nuclear and told him in detail about the night he was conceived...

Sure, I'll make sure he doesnt beat me for a long time. I'll bang the rust off my shot and do what it takes to win, but now I know the tide's coming in, and I cant hold it back forever.....even the little one is gunning for me now....

Good Advice

Dont shave your head the day before you get your passport photo. Especially if you've never seen your self with a shaved head before. You just might discover that your mellon head is far bigger than you thought. Oh, and dont do that in the winter winter either....no definately not in winter.....

Behold the Burning Bush!

FIRE
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Ten Commandments

Here's the scene:
My wife and I are sitting on our deck talking with sons 1 & 2. Number 3 is playing basketball in the driveway. Son number 2 asks me to explain what the 10 Commandments are.

Dad: "Well there was a man named Moses who was leading the Israelites through the desert...."
Son Number 1: "Didnt they get lost in the desert for 40 years?"
Dad:(Impressed)"Very Good!"
Mom: "How did you learn that?
Son Number 1: "The Simpsons"
Dad: (Impressed)
Mom:"Oh Lord...."
Son Number 2: "Lost for 40 years? What an Asshole!"
Dad & Son Number 1: (Laughing like Bevis & Butthead)
Mom: "Watch your mouth!"
Dad: (Regaining composure, trying to finish the story)"So Moses goes to the top of Mount Ararat to talk to God, and hopefully get some decent directions. God comes to him as a Burning Bush...
Sons 1 & 2 are cracking up: "A WHAT?!!?!"
Dad: "A Burning Bush! God didnt have good special effects back then!...so anyway God gave Moses two big stone tablets that he had carved the ten comandments on."
Son Number 2: "God had to carve them on a rock?"
Dad:"Yeah, I guess, well while Moses was talking to the Burning Bush (Sons laughing again) His people had melted down a bunch of gold jewelry and made a sculpture of a cow that they were going to worship"
Both Sons Belly laughing : "A COW?!?!"
Dad: "Yes, they wanted to worship a cow....So anyway Moses sees them with the cow, and gets all pissed off and smashes the two stones tablets!"
Son Number 1: "So how do they know what the hell they said?"
Son Number 2: "Who's the God with like 6 arms, he looks cool, I'm gonna worship him"
Dad: "I'm getting another beer"

Great Ideas Are Scary

I had a long conversation with someone today about an idea for a software product. It is no different in scope than stuff he and I produce everyday, in fact it might be easy. We know it fills a need, and it could potentially be profitable. Once the initial work is done, it can be sold over and over.

I knew it was a great idea, when each of us had a creative solution to the others road block. We even figured out how to do it for very little money ($500 or less). I actually got butterflys in my stomach. This is the point when people get scared. Do I jump after it, or stifle it like so many other ideas....

The Girl at Atlantic & Chelsea

Air is pouring into my windows at 80mph. The only light anywhere comes from my dashboard, my headlights and the thousands of Lighting bugs that float in the hot wet air that I am slicing through. It kind of gives you the impression of being underwater with those soft glows coming on and off at various depths above me. I'm on a road cutting through the Pine Barrens of South Jersey. Just driving... frustrated and trying to make sense of it all.

My barefoot holds the cheap black plastic pedal to the floor. I'm in third gear, when I should be in fifth, but I dont shift up because I need the engine yell like I want to yell. I know that I'd feel better if I cried, but I dont do that either. Its the kind of stupid passionate 24 year old or teenager might do. Taking turns too tight just to see...to see if I really am as immortal as I feel.

In my head is a girl I would think about for years to come. She's not my wife (who is home waiting for me with our baby) and I dont know her name. My buddy saw her walk past our office as we were getting ready to run to the corner for a soda. I didnt see her till moments later when she lay under a brand new white Dodge Neon.

She had on a beautiful yellow dress that cascaded down her legs an onto the dark asphalt of that Atlantic City Intersection. I later realize that the pattern on the cloth is from the tires. She was my age and pretty, and if I had seen her in any other situation I'd probably divert my eyes from her gaze in shyness, and then forget her forever.

It happened infront of two Firemen, who immediatley radioed for help, and were trying to assess her situation. They leave the girl where she is, spooning the front passanger tire, while they check to see if she's breathing. They're concerned her back is broken.

I stare at her tan legs and wonder what happened to her shoes. I realize that there are people yelling in Spanish all around me, and I'm embarrassed to be gawking at this poor girl and I run back to the office.

So now I'm testing myself, angry at nobody, angry at everything for what may be a senseless loss. I'm mad at myself for not knowing who to be mad at. It is ironic how much life is in these woods I'm driving through, and how all I can taste is death.

In the coming days I would debate calling all of the local hospitals. Did she live? What was her life like? What was her name? I never called. Even as time went on, I always wondered.

Years later, I would buy a house in another town and I would get all my answers. A neighbor would tell how her Son's godmother was hit by a car, went into a coma and died a few days later. I would scare the shit out of her by saying "I was there"

My Fathers Day Gift

All three of my sons lost their little league playoff games on Sunday! I get my evenings and weekends back! Wahooo! I hate the game of baseball, but I enjoy watching my boys play. With the 3 of them on 3 different teams with 3 different practices and games...it was getting alittle rediculous!

Recent Photo, by request

Holy Chitlins!

I've been growing out my Goat-T for the first time in over a year. You should see how much freaking grey is in it...I'm a wise old man!!!!!

Weezer does a kickass Velouria

hold my head
we'll trampoline
finally through the roof
on to somewhere near

The Reaper has been issued a used two-tone mini-van

Death Comes for Mr Squirrel

I have dished out death to nearly all of God's Creatures, in the years since I've gotten my driving liscence. And by 'All of Gods Creatures, I mean:

Three Seagulls- I was driving in Atlantic City on one of the back streets. 3 Seagulls were eating something in the road, I was going 5 but not more than 10 mph as I hit them. I figured they heard/saw me and would move...I mean we're in the middle of a city during rush hour! These were fairly large birds, and I grimmaced watching a tangle of flapping wings in my rearview mirror get run over by the car bahind me.

Two Guniea Hens- In South Jersey, alot of the farmers keep Guinea Hens. They are smallish Chickens, that use use to eat the ticks out of the fields. I was on rte 55 going alittle of 80mph as I crested a hill. I saw them, but there was absolutely nothing I could do, so I didnt. I hit those birds with a fantastic 'Poof' with a cartoon-like exposion of white feathers. It was like a pillow bomb going off. My wife makes a sickening noise, and I mutter something about 'God's Plan'. She knows I'm being sarcastic. Years later I would be detailing the car for sale and would find feathers stuck in the engine compartment.

One Squirrel- I rounded the curve at about 45mph, and he was already entering my lane. There was heavy traffic all around and I knew this little grey fella was in trouble but I was fully confident he'd make it. I took my foot off the gas to give him an extra second to judge which way to go. He changes his mind twice and then stands still, as the Reaper crushes him with a 4,000lbs mini-van.

Live 8 Philadelphia, PA

Apparently not Independence Hall v1
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

All over the local Philly news is this LIve 8 crap. They are going to have millions of people come to this rusty city to listen to a bunch of bands, but not really do anything for Africa. Live Aid (20 years ago) actually raised money for them. They said (but not too loudly) that this is only to raise 'Awareness'. I always thought those 'we are the world' things were a bunch of horseshit anyway.

The list of bands are forgettable. The only one that interests me is Linkin Park. I think 50 Cent would have been cool too for the concert but he pulled out. There's talk of Michael Jackson coming...in fact locals are arguing in the papers about it. I would LOVE for him to come to Philly. He's been closed up with those little boys for so long that he has no idea what the real world is like. Philly is not the kind of place that keeps it's mouth shut when it has nothing nice to say. It would be quite an eye opener for Mr Jackson...now THAT I'd consider going to see!!!!

The ipod killed the Radio Star

Since I got my ipod, I no longer listen to the radio. I'm a huge Howard Stern fan, but I've only listen to him a couple of times in the last 6 months. I still like him, but I'm infatuated with this little thing. Here's what it means for commerce....I'm not going to buy a Satellite Radio.

Now here's a funny thing and I wonder how it will effect culture. I have very little idea whats on the radio now. I have a vast MP3 collection and I randomly draw from that for music. I used to have favorite songs on the radio, now all of my current favorites are at least a decade old! What if all of the culture goes that way? What if we dont have to depend on some schmuck at the raidio station to tell us whats worth being played? How will this effect bands in the future? Maybe the good stuff will get emailed around the most?

My Favorite songs right now are:
A live version of Pearl Jam signing "Sitting on the dock of a bay" Find it and download it...it's awesome. It reminds me of my death. I listen to it over and over.

Social Distortion singing 'Dont think Twice'

Every Def Tones song from 'Around the Fur'

Johnny Cash singing Soundgardens 'Rusty Cage'

Bruce Springsteen 'Promised Land'

A couple Fiona Apple songs (did they ever find her body?)

God, I could use some chocolate.....

limbs lost to lies

In the city you see alot of homeless people...probably in all cities. You get to notice 'regulars'. I saw a guy on the street a few weeks ago, that I cant stop thinking about....I havent seen him since.

He couldnt be more than 20, a young white kid of decent build, but looked like he was hitting a rough time. His nice clothes were filthy and torn. His hair was scraggly, and he was growing a patchy thin beard.

He was sitting against a wall of a building with a cardboard sign that said. "Afghanistan Veteran, now homeless" He was missing a leg and had a crutch next to him.

Can you remember how it was to be 19? To have a constant hard-on, and to get so excited about simple things like "summer" or a girl. I was invinicble when I was 19. This kid probably thought he was too.

How lucky are we...how HONORED are we as a country that these kids are willing to go and lose legs and arms and lives. How lucky are we that they never questioned the orders, they just went. What Hell have we asked of them? Most of us will never know. Most of us dont want to know. I dont want to know.

Now evidence is mounting that Bush knew his claims were false, but insisted that we go to war anyway. That he 'fixed' the data. What does that mean for this boy, who has been damaged? I'll bet his mental trauma is worse than his missing leg....how will he feel when he knows that it was lost for a lie? How about the Parents of the Dead? I imagine I might continue to believe in the war if I had lost one of my sons. It would be too painful to face the truth.

You hear all this clamor about 'Support Our Troops' but what does that really mean? My Mom has one of those yellow ribbon stickers on the back of her Lexus. Is THAT supporting them? You hear about what a hard time these kids are having collecting benefits now too. Bush is cutting VA benefits. Is that supporting them? We owe these people everything...seeing this kid on the street is sickening.

Acouple of Points. We've spent $209 BILLION as of today in Iraq. Alot of that money is paying for roads, and infrastructure and schools. Can you imagine if we had taken that huge $209 BILLION dollar load and invested it our own roads? Our own bridges? Our Trains? Our Students? Our bridges are falling apart, and yet we're building new ones for people who want us dead. It's like we took out a Mortgage on our house to fix up a neighbors.

The other big point is a sick sick irony. Growing up in the 70's & 80's we heard nonstop about the 60's. About Vietnam, about Woodstock, about Love-ins, Peacenics, Hippies and all that other bullshit. We were forced to hear the music for decades after it was new. I figured there would never be another Vietnam as long as these people were alive. They were the ones who had to go there and die, they were the ones who protested and brought it to an end. The sick thing is that it's one of their own that went out and created a new Vietnam, and nobody stopped it. It's just sick....

The Runaway Bride and Society - Lessons Learned

crazy
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I've been closely watching this story so that I can point out how very right I am. Jennifer Wilbanks was arrainged the other week, and from the courtroom footage I was able to discern the following:
* Jennifer Wilbanks really does have googly eyes
* Jennifer Wilbanks has big cans
* Judges in Georgia will overlook googly eyes if you have big cans

Of course todays big news is that she just sold the rights to her story which you'll remember I predicted along with the guess that she was trying to score with an Ex when she took off. You can read my older posts on the issue here:
She was hot for it in the panties

does anyone understand women?

Sometimes, I think I get the gist of things, but man I have no idea how they work. Lets get this straight...I LOVE women. They are fascinating. I love the way they smell, the way they walk, the way they think.

I'm married almost 12 years now, and I keep thinking that I understand things but I I still get surprised....maybe I'm just stupid?

shoulda stayed home

I should have stayed home today. I really dont want to be here. I should be at the pool in my bare hobbit feet, yelling at my kids to get me a Lemon Water-Ice....this place sucks

Just How Retarted Are We?

First we let those Red states bully us into having 4 more years of war with Iraq...merely 'because Bush says so' then we let the Bluest of all States completely screw up another trial. What exactly do you have to do to go to jail in California? What happened to everybody in the middle who have common sense and jobs? Maybe next time Jacko can Boff one of those poor little boys on the Friday Night Disney Movie so we can all get a good look...

Did you ever see that one Bugs Bunny episode where he gets a hand saw and saws Florida off of the map and it floats away? We need to saw off California and then Texas.....neither state is doing anything good for us. Oh, and Sea Brite, New Jersey, saw that town off...I got arrested there once for holding a single unopened can of beer.

Lunchtime Line at the WaWa (a haiku)

Fat girls get salads
Skinny girls get cigarettes
I'm getting yogurt

Sing it Alice Cooper.....

Schools out for summer. Last night my kids played outside until almost 10:00. They were chasing lightning bugs and riding their bikes up and down the block. The youngest caught one, and then thought to ask if they bite. "Only some of them do" I said...I like to keep him on his toes...

Do you remember how great it was those first few weeks of summer with an infinity of days to look forward to before you had to go back. You could take off your shoes and it might be a week before you had to dig through the closet to find them.

I left the house this morning and they were all sleeping in the AC...I didnt have to drag them out of bed, and fight to get their clothes on.

Galapogos (or 'Son of Sir Robin')

Fight or flight.
Evolutionarily speaking, I have decended from those who ran away. It's the only way I can explain why I dont have an ounce of muscle on my body. I've been lifting weights (with Vigor, mind you!) for 3 years now. The first year I doubled my muscle mass, and nobody noticed. Doubling sounds impressive until you realize that doubling .1 only gives you .2, the second year of lifting doubled my muscle mass again. So now I'm almost as muscular as a homeless person....or maybe Ben Stiller.

I continue to make great gains in Strength, but the little muscle I have only serves to push all the fat out farther....depressing. Hard work should produce results, right?

So over the last several hundred thousand years, as invaders swept across my motherland of Scotland, and warriors pounded their chests, painted their faces and muscular bodies blue, waved swords over their heads screaming....those of the line of Steakbellie, stretched their hamstrings and ran the opposite direction looking for a pub that might still be open, or possibly some girl who has been left alone by a tough guy at war.

I cant stand running, I really hate it...but I will resist the call of my fathers no more....I'm on the road again....

What did you do with the money, George W?

murderer
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Pre-9/11 I had a roundtable meeting with the Head of Transport Canada (The Canadian head of a transportation services for the entire country. Like the FAA, Coast Guard, and DOT combined into one) at Halifax International Airport. I flew into Halifax on a Thursday night, and was promptly taken into custody by the customs officials. Apparently they didnt like how I answered the questions that follow "what is the nature of your visit?" I said "work" and they were on me like I was Osama...oh wait, we're not looking for him, he'd have no problem going to Canada....

I spent the next 5 hours in a room, with Customs officals scouring through legal books trying to determine if I was breaking International Work Rules, by attending this meeting. Seriously!!! About 3 hours into the interigation they had decided to deport me back to the US. Eventually, they got tired of screwing with me and went home when their shift changed. The remaioning woman, wanted me to report back to her the next morning...."Sure! I'll be there!" I said in my best Boy Scout face...then fled the country the second the meeting was over.

So now that it's post 9-11 this fucker in the picture was able to come to the US with a sword and a chainsaw still caked with the blood of 2 people he just murdered. What the hell was done with all the money our president spent on security?

I actually have an Uncle that lives in Halifax. I'm certain that if I tried to visit him, I'd be arrested!

Naked Zorro

zorro
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

There's a crappy little paper called the "Metro" that they give out for free in Philadelphia. It's like USA Today Lite, full color, short articles from the Nation and region, and about 24 - 32 pages long. The good thing about it is that you can read the entire thing in about 20 minutes.

At least once a week the Metro has a new report on Naked Zorro. Naked Zorro is a guy who runs around completely naked except for the Zorro mask. The Police are baffled, and there are no leads. I think it's more than one person.

This morning a woman jogger spotted him at 4:30 AM. He ran past her and said "I'm Zorro!

Outside the Kindergarten Graduation

Mom: "We're so proud of you, you did such a great job up there! Where would you like to go for a special dinner?"
Boy: "McDonalds"
Mom laughs
Dad laughs, shifts his weight and scratches himself
Mom: "McDonalds?, Honey, we want to take you to someplace special for your big day!"
Boy: " How about Burger King?"

Workday Haiku

excel documents
given to me by you
fruits of accounting

Golf is for Douche-Bags

turf
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I play golf once a year. It's enough to get an idea of whats really going on out there. I get it, I can see how it can be enjoyable. I understand that there can be great pleasure derived from Mastering the many subtlties of the game. I see the man on man competition. Who has the better Drive, the better short game, the nicer clubs, the biggest cock.

So Saturday I am invited to play golf with 7 other guys at a private club. I'm a righty who golfs lefty for reasons I wont disclose. It's hard to borrow lefty clubs, but by unincredible coincidence my father-in-law has given me his old clubs...I'm good to go.

Now these are the guys I play poker with (minus the asshole I wanted to beat-up, he's out) We're pretty much all in the same boat, Dads with fulltime jobs, houses, wives, dogs, and 2-3 kids apiece. This one guy, has $1500 to blow on a membership to a Private Golf Club...which is pretty damn cool that he can swing, the place is AWESOME....it's actually a deal...but how the hell does he have the time to play 2-3 times per week?

If you dont play golf, it takes 5-6 DAYLIGHT HOURS to play a round of golf. There's no getting around the time, it just takes that long. Thats most of the freaking day. He works a full week, and then plays Saturday and Sunday...every week! They have his name on the wall in the Clubhouse, he's ranked 7th. That just seems wacky to me, when the hell does he see his kids? When does he mow his lawn? I guess his wife does it all.

He's a nice guy, and was very generous to invite all of us, but he was pretty uptight that morning that we were going to do something to embarrass him. (It might have been all the beer cans we were shoving into our bags in the parking lot) He cringed abit when he saw my bag of clubs too. I made it a point to play in the other foursome, I didnt want him to have to see the extreme havoc I unloaded on his little bit of green heaven(I play with a 'scortched earth' technique). In fact, here's a photo of one of my many divets. (I did email him the photo after the fact though...Steakbellie cant a good oppportunity go.)

And Life Quickly Responds....

So, as soon as I hit 'publish' on my stupid complaint, my wife calls to say that the husband of a lady we know died last night. You're a schmuck Steakbellie, come on in unison this time....

Think Different

Skull Flag
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Steve Jobs shovels Horse Shit.
I mean that in the best way possible.
It shouldnt mean anything to me but it does.(God, Steakbellie, dont you have anything important to think about?) Apple will now use the same dopey chips in their macs that everybody else in the world does. For centuries techno geeks have lambasted the Macs mostly because it doesnt need to be fixed...like a car that doesnt break down...how many mechanics would like that?

Apple told the faithful how much better their chips were than Intel's. How much faster they were. Now they lie down with them. Anakin has turned to the dark side, send the Pirate Flag to Steakbellie's house, they dont need it in Cuperatino anymore.

Will the Mac now perform better? Worse? I dont know. I'm just a pissed off elitest. I've already gotten my first phone call from a gloating propeller-head.

Hot Dog Johnnys

"Hot Dog Johnnys"
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Smelmooo knows what I'm talking about....hmmmm

Prom Night, 17 years ago.

cherry
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

So anyway, 17 years ago (almost to the day) my prom date offered me her virginity at the SkyView Hotel in Seaside Heights,New Jersey, and I turned her down by pretending to pass out on the bed.

There were MANY reasons for doing that. I was a virgin too, I was scared, I was religeous at the time, and their were 2 other girls I was intersted in, in the next room. I had been close friends with my date since the fourth grade, and we had 'made-out' a few times in the following years. She was good looking and attractive but could be sappy and clingy.

She rubbed my hair for a few minutes and then went into the bathroom. As soon as she left the room I popped out of bed and into the arms of the police who were busy busting my High School friends for underage drinking just outside. They actually were a private security firm hired by the hotel, and just took 10 of our 19 cases of beer, because they could. I wound up sleeping on the beach with a few other girls, but no funny business.

I didnt keep in touch with this girl after that. Her family moved out of state, she went to some big University and did god knows what. She was always alittle spoiled and always got what she wanted in life, boys, toys, cars....and maybe thats what lead to the following?

So I get an email from Classmates.com that she has sent me a message. Sure, great. I love to hear from old friends. I hope they're all happy, and doing well.

She's getting married in a month. The first paragraph said so. The first paragraph also said how she owns her own PR firm in California, how her fiancee is some big movie producer or something, and how much they paid for their house 'in the valley'. All of this from someone I havent talked to in 17 years. The second paragrah was how she's getting married on some private estate and that I should call her to catch up.

I'm completely baffled on how to respond. Apparently I'm some 'loose end' in her mind that she needs to tie up before she gets married? Maybe she needs to know I didnt turn out as well as the 'wonderful' guy she's engaged to? I'm almost angry at her approach to impress me. I'm not an 'L.A.' guy, dont try to stack your chips next to mine to see who has the bigger pile. Not that I cant be impressed by material things, because I can, it's just that I've been married for almost 12 years and have 3 sons.....my sensibilties are much different having been hammered by real life.

Do you think she'd be impressed by knowing I spent last night in my bare feet in my garden? I was picking as much spinach as possible because it's overtaking my Eggplants and Hot Peppers.(they're still seedlings) There was ALOT of Spinach. I cleaned and chopped it up and pan fried it with alittle olive oil, white wine, garlic, onion, and bits of bacon. (now I'm starving, having written that). After that I sat with my wife and 2 younger sons out back, talking about my oldest boy who left for a week of camping with his 5th grade class. After that, I broke out the poker chips and we played blackjack for an hour or so. The six year old is pretty good. I had a GREAT night, do you think this woman would be impressed? I dont either.

So now to the fun part. She wants a pissing contest, I'm gonna splash the pot so she hasnt a freaking clue what I'm talking about. I'm not going to call her, I'm going to respond by email. Here are some of my ideas.

* I could come up with some fantastic story about me being the first man to land on Mars. And that the entire time I wanted to come home so I could get a decent Latte.
* I could translate my entire story to ghetto-speak using Snoop Dogg's Shizzolator found here:
http://www.asksnoop.com/
* I could research who her clients are and then casually mention all of them in some rambling email how they are all best friends of mine.
* I could tell her I need a Kidney and what is her blood type?
* I could tell her that I'm flying my jet to L.A. to protest the wedding
* I could tell her that I'm out of the closet now, and that I'm pretty sure I hooked up with her finacee a few years ago at a party in Vegas

Any Ideas? Post them!