License to Ill
Almost a year ago I made a list of things I wanted to do before I die. Right after 'try out for wing bowl' I wrote 'wear tux for license photo' I knew my license was soon due for renewal, and I had been wanting to do this for at least 10 years.
So, early in the summer I took a day off of work and dug my tuxedo out of the closet. I polished my shoes and cuff links. I bought a replacement bowtie. I wore colonge and new socks. I wore a cumberbund.
Despite how simple it would seem to do, it's actually quite unnerving to walk into a DMV in a tuxedo. The office was full of people, mostly dealing with paperwork for work trucks and young teenage hopefuls. I was the sole representative of high-brow living on this day.
As you can imagine, there was a considerable amount of unpleasant silence with my entrance. For me the secret was to pretend I wasnt in a tuxedo, kind of how you might pretend you didnt just fart really loudly. I stand in an unmarked line and wait my turn, thinking about what I'll say if someone actually asks me about the tux.
"I need to have my license renewed"
She's staring at my bowtie and then at my face with a loaded smile. She wants to ask me why I'm dressed as I am, and is hoping I offer the reason.
"Do you have your paperwork?"
"I have my expired license"
"You cant use that here"
"Isnt this the DMV?"
"Yes"
"Dont you renew licenses?"
"No"
"I thought you said this was the DMV?"
"It is, but we dont renew licenses anymore, we just take your picture"
"Will you take my picture?"
"No"
"Whynot?!?!?!"
"Because you dont have your paperwork"
Part of my severance package from leaving New Jersey was that I would never again have to deal with my arch enemy the NJDMV. I have a been forever tormented by that hateful group for decades, and I mildly feeling deja-vu talking to this girl in the PADMV.
The girl explains that to make things easier, you now have to drive accross town to the Auto-Tags place, pay the fee and get the paperwork, and then drive back to the DMV for your Photo. I point out that it's actually making it more complicated, to drive 10 miles and wait in a separate line to pay and then drive back, when I could just pay her, and then she could take my photo. She says if I dont like it, I can do my paperwork on the Internet. This sounds appealing and effiecient to me until she says it takes 6 weeks to recieve the Internet paperwork.
One and a half hours later I return to the same woman in line and have my picture taken.
Later that night I show my wife my new license. She thought I was crazy to want the picture in the first place, but now I'm guessing she wants one in a tiarra.
I havent been pulled over yet. They will either laugh and let me go, or arrest me on the spot.....so it goes....
So, early in the summer I took a day off of work and dug my tuxedo out of the closet. I polished my shoes and cuff links. I bought a replacement bowtie. I wore colonge and new socks. I wore a cumberbund.
Despite how simple it would seem to do, it's actually quite unnerving to walk into a DMV in a tuxedo. The office was full of people, mostly dealing with paperwork for work trucks and young teenage hopefuls. I was the sole representative of high-brow living on this day.
As you can imagine, there was a considerable amount of unpleasant silence with my entrance. For me the secret was to pretend I wasnt in a tuxedo, kind of how you might pretend you didnt just fart really loudly. I stand in an unmarked line and wait my turn, thinking about what I'll say if someone actually asks me about the tux.
"I need to have my license renewed"
She's staring at my bowtie and then at my face with a loaded smile. She wants to ask me why I'm dressed as I am, and is hoping I offer the reason.
"Do you have your paperwork?"
"I have my expired license"
"You cant use that here"
"Isnt this the DMV?"
"Yes"
"Dont you renew licenses?"
"No"
"I thought you said this was the DMV?"
"It is, but we dont renew licenses anymore, we just take your picture"
"Will you take my picture?"
"No"
"Whynot?!?!?!"
"Because you dont have your paperwork"
Part of my severance package from leaving New Jersey was that I would never again have to deal with my arch enemy the NJDMV. I have a been forever tormented by that hateful group for decades, and I mildly feeling deja-vu talking to this girl in the PADMV.
The girl explains that to make things easier, you now have to drive accross town to the Auto-Tags place, pay the fee and get the paperwork, and then drive back to the DMV for your Photo. I point out that it's actually making it more complicated, to drive 10 miles and wait in a separate line to pay and then drive back, when I could just pay her, and then she could take my photo. She says if I dont like it, I can do my paperwork on the Internet. This sounds appealing and effiecient to me until she says it takes 6 weeks to recieve the Internet paperwork.
One and a half hours later I return to the same woman in line and have my picture taken.
Later that night I show my wife my new license. She thought I was crazy to want the picture in the first place, but now I'm guessing she wants one in a tiarra.
I havent been pulled over yet. They will either laugh and let me go, or arrest me on the spot.....so it goes....
9 comments:
That's the BEST!
I didn't just fart really loudly...
I love it! I am inspired. Hmmm... what to do for my next license photo.....??
The last time I was at the DMV the lady had to take my photo twice for some reason. I asked if I could take her photo. She said no.
I like the tux idea! If I'm ever to get pulled over I'll most likely be wearing my "biker regalia," leather chaps, leather coat, leather vest with "club colors" on it (American Legion Riders), doo-rag, hair tied up in about ten knots... It'd be fun to hand the cop a photo of me looking good.
That's priceless! I'm stealing that idea and giving you zero credit for it. Sorry bro.
Actually, the next time I get my license photo taken, I think I'll try to wear my "I (heart) COPS" hat. That'll get me out of ANY ticket!
Ideally I would be holding a champagne glass, toasting the camera, but I didnt think it would be allowed. I also thought it might be cool to be smoking a cigar. I wish they allowed props.
When I was 17 I cut an illustration of Othelo from the cover of a book during English class and taped it over my licence photo. That made me laugh everytime I opened my wallet.
In college I borrowed a suit for my renewal, but the bitch at the camera cut off the photo at my chin.
The last 2 licenses I've made the face you make after you say 'Surprise' really loud. The NJDMV didnt like that and kept telling me to stop doing it.
Possibly
The most
Brilliant thing
You've done
Yet!
my other idea was to look drunk in the photo. That way if I ever got pulled over for DWI, the officer would look at the photo and say 'Oh, he's supposed to look that way' and let me go.
were they smiling because of your tux or because your tux was three sizes too small. Maybe they recognized you from shho flie pie.
Impressive. Most Impressive.
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