Recent Photo, by request

Holy Chitlins!

I've been growing out my Goat-T for the first time in over a year. You should see how much freaking grey is in it...I'm a wise old man!!!!!

Weezer does a kickass Velouria

hold my head
we'll trampoline
finally through the roof
on to somewhere near

The Reaper has been issued a used two-tone mini-van

Death Comes for Mr Squirrel

I have dished out death to nearly all of God's Creatures, in the years since I've gotten my driving liscence. And by 'All of Gods Creatures, I mean:

Three Seagulls- I was driving in Atlantic City on one of the back streets. 3 Seagulls were eating something in the road, I was going 5 but not more than 10 mph as I hit them. I figured they heard/saw me and would move...I mean we're in the middle of a city during rush hour! These were fairly large birds, and I grimmaced watching a tangle of flapping wings in my rearview mirror get run over by the car bahind me.

Two Guniea Hens- In South Jersey, alot of the farmers keep Guinea Hens. They are smallish Chickens, that use use to eat the ticks out of the fields. I was on rte 55 going alittle of 80mph as I crested a hill. I saw them, but there was absolutely nothing I could do, so I didnt. I hit those birds with a fantastic 'Poof' with a cartoon-like exposion of white feathers. It was like a pillow bomb going off. My wife makes a sickening noise, and I mutter something about 'God's Plan'. She knows I'm being sarcastic. Years later I would be detailing the car for sale and would find feathers stuck in the engine compartment.

One Squirrel- I rounded the curve at about 45mph, and he was already entering my lane. There was heavy traffic all around and I knew this little grey fella was in trouble but I was fully confident he'd make it. I took my foot off the gas to give him an extra second to judge which way to go. He changes his mind twice and then stands still, as the Reaper crushes him with a 4,000lbs mini-van.

Live 8 Philadelphia, PA

Apparently not Independence Hall v1
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

All over the local Philly news is this LIve 8 crap. They are going to have millions of people come to this rusty city to listen to a bunch of bands, but not really do anything for Africa. Live Aid (20 years ago) actually raised money for them. They said (but not too loudly) that this is only to raise 'Awareness'. I always thought those 'we are the world' things were a bunch of horseshit anyway.

The list of bands are forgettable. The only one that interests me is Linkin Park. I think 50 Cent would have been cool too for the concert but he pulled out. There's talk of Michael Jackson coming...in fact locals are arguing in the papers about it. I would LOVE for him to come to Philly. He's been closed up with those little boys for so long that he has no idea what the real world is like. Philly is not the kind of place that keeps it's mouth shut when it has nothing nice to say. It would be quite an eye opener for Mr Jackson...now THAT I'd consider going to see!!!!

The ipod killed the Radio Star

Since I got my ipod, I no longer listen to the radio. I'm a huge Howard Stern fan, but I've only listen to him a couple of times in the last 6 months. I still like him, but I'm infatuated with this little thing. Here's what it means for commerce....I'm not going to buy a Satellite Radio.

Now here's a funny thing and I wonder how it will effect culture. I have very little idea whats on the radio now. I have a vast MP3 collection and I randomly draw from that for music. I used to have favorite songs on the radio, now all of my current favorites are at least a decade old! What if all of the culture goes that way? What if we dont have to depend on some schmuck at the raidio station to tell us whats worth being played? How will this effect bands in the future? Maybe the good stuff will get emailed around the most?

My Favorite songs right now are:
A live version of Pearl Jam signing "Sitting on the dock of a bay" Find it and download it...it's awesome. It reminds me of my death. I listen to it over and over.

Social Distortion singing 'Dont think Twice'

Every Def Tones song from 'Around the Fur'

Johnny Cash singing Soundgardens 'Rusty Cage'

Bruce Springsteen 'Promised Land'

A couple Fiona Apple songs (did they ever find her body?)

God, I could use some chocolate.....

limbs lost to lies

In the city you see alot of homeless people...probably in all cities. You get to notice 'regulars'. I saw a guy on the street a few weeks ago, that I cant stop thinking about....I havent seen him since.

He couldnt be more than 20, a young white kid of decent build, but looked like he was hitting a rough time. His nice clothes were filthy and torn. His hair was scraggly, and he was growing a patchy thin beard.

He was sitting against a wall of a building with a cardboard sign that said. "Afghanistan Veteran, now homeless" He was missing a leg and had a crutch next to him.

Can you remember how it was to be 19? To have a constant hard-on, and to get so excited about simple things like "summer" or a girl. I was invinicble when I was 19. This kid probably thought he was too.

How lucky are we...how HONORED are we as a country that these kids are willing to go and lose legs and arms and lives. How lucky are we that they never questioned the orders, they just went. What Hell have we asked of them? Most of us will never know. Most of us dont want to know. I dont want to know.

Now evidence is mounting that Bush knew his claims were false, but insisted that we go to war anyway. That he 'fixed' the data. What does that mean for this boy, who has been damaged? I'll bet his mental trauma is worse than his missing leg....how will he feel when he knows that it was lost for a lie? How about the Parents of the Dead? I imagine I might continue to believe in the war if I had lost one of my sons. It would be too painful to face the truth.

You hear all this clamor about 'Support Our Troops' but what does that really mean? My Mom has one of those yellow ribbon stickers on the back of her Lexus. Is THAT supporting them? You hear about what a hard time these kids are having collecting benefits now too. Bush is cutting VA benefits. Is that supporting them? We owe these people everything...seeing this kid on the street is sickening.

Acouple of Points. We've spent $209 BILLION as of today in Iraq. Alot of that money is paying for roads, and infrastructure and schools. Can you imagine if we had taken that huge $209 BILLION dollar load and invested it our own roads? Our own bridges? Our Trains? Our Students? Our bridges are falling apart, and yet we're building new ones for people who want us dead. It's like we took out a Mortgage on our house to fix up a neighbors.

The other big point is a sick sick irony. Growing up in the 70's & 80's we heard nonstop about the 60's. About Vietnam, about Woodstock, about Love-ins, Peacenics, Hippies and all that other bullshit. We were forced to hear the music for decades after it was new. I figured there would never be another Vietnam as long as these people were alive. They were the ones who had to go there and die, they were the ones who protested and brought it to an end. The sick thing is that it's one of their own that went out and created a new Vietnam, and nobody stopped it. It's just sick....

The Runaway Bride and Society - Lessons Learned

crazy
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I've been closely watching this story so that I can point out how very right I am. Jennifer Wilbanks was arrainged the other week, and from the courtroom footage I was able to discern the following:
* Jennifer Wilbanks really does have googly eyes
* Jennifer Wilbanks has big cans
* Judges in Georgia will overlook googly eyes if you have big cans

Of course todays big news is that she just sold the rights to her story which you'll remember I predicted along with the guess that she was trying to score with an Ex when she took off. You can read my older posts on the issue here:
She was hot for it in the panties

does anyone understand women?

Sometimes, I think I get the gist of things, but man I have no idea how they work. Lets get this straight...I LOVE women. They are fascinating. I love the way they smell, the way they walk, the way they think.

I'm married almost 12 years now, and I keep thinking that I understand things but I I still get surprised....maybe I'm just stupid?

shoulda stayed home

I should have stayed home today. I really dont want to be here. I should be at the pool in my bare hobbit feet, yelling at my kids to get me a Lemon Water-Ice....this place sucks

Just How Retarted Are We?

First we let those Red states bully us into having 4 more years of war with Iraq...merely 'because Bush says so' then we let the Bluest of all States completely screw up another trial. What exactly do you have to do to go to jail in California? What happened to everybody in the middle who have common sense and jobs? Maybe next time Jacko can Boff one of those poor little boys on the Friday Night Disney Movie so we can all get a good look...

Did you ever see that one Bugs Bunny episode where he gets a hand saw and saws Florida off of the map and it floats away? We need to saw off California and then Texas.....neither state is doing anything good for us. Oh, and Sea Brite, New Jersey, saw that town off...I got arrested there once for holding a single unopened can of beer.

Lunchtime Line at the WaWa (a haiku)

Fat girls get salads
Skinny girls get cigarettes
I'm getting yogurt

Sing it Alice Cooper.....

Schools out for summer. Last night my kids played outside until almost 10:00. They were chasing lightning bugs and riding their bikes up and down the block. The youngest caught one, and then thought to ask if they bite. "Only some of them do" I said...I like to keep him on his toes...

Do you remember how great it was those first few weeks of summer with an infinity of days to look forward to before you had to go back. You could take off your shoes and it might be a week before you had to dig through the closet to find them.

I left the house this morning and they were all sleeping in the AC...I didnt have to drag them out of bed, and fight to get their clothes on.

Galapogos (or 'Son of Sir Robin')

Fight or flight.
Evolutionarily speaking, I have decended from those who ran away. It's the only way I can explain why I dont have an ounce of muscle on my body. I've been lifting weights (with Vigor, mind you!) for 3 years now. The first year I doubled my muscle mass, and nobody noticed. Doubling sounds impressive until you realize that doubling .1 only gives you .2, the second year of lifting doubled my muscle mass again. So now I'm almost as muscular as a homeless person....or maybe Ben Stiller.

I continue to make great gains in Strength, but the little muscle I have only serves to push all the fat out farther....depressing. Hard work should produce results, right?

So over the last several hundred thousand years, as invaders swept across my motherland of Scotland, and warriors pounded their chests, painted their faces and muscular bodies blue, waved swords over their heads screaming....those of the line of Steakbellie, stretched their hamstrings and ran the opposite direction looking for a pub that might still be open, or possibly some girl who has been left alone by a tough guy at war.

I cant stand running, I really hate it...but I will resist the call of my fathers no more....I'm on the road again....

What did you do with the money, George W?

murderer
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Pre-9/11 I had a roundtable meeting with the Head of Transport Canada (The Canadian head of a transportation services for the entire country. Like the FAA, Coast Guard, and DOT combined into one) at Halifax International Airport. I flew into Halifax on a Thursday night, and was promptly taken into custody by the customs officials. Apparently they didnt like how I answered the questions that follow "what is the nature of your visit?" I said "work" and they were on me like I was Osama...oh wait, we're not looking for him, he'd have no problem going to Canada....

I spent the next 5 hours in a room, with Customs officals scouring through legal books trying to determine if I was breaking International Work Rules, by attending this meeting. Seriously!!! About 3 hours into the interigation they had decided to deport me back to the US. Eventually, they got tired of screwing with me and went home when their shift changed. The remaioning woman, wanted me to report back to her the next morning...."Sure! I'll be there!" I said in my best Boy Scout face...then fled the country the second the meeting was over.

So now that it's post 9-11 this fucker in the picture was able to come to the US with a sword and a chainsaw still caked with the blood of 2 people he just murdered. What the hell was done with all the money our president spent on security?

I actually have an Uncle that lives in Halifax. I'm certain that if I tried to visit him, I'd be arrested!

Naked Zorro

zorro
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

There's a crappy little paper called the "Metro" that they give out for free in Philadelphia. It's like USA Today Lite, full color, short articles from the Nation and region, and about 24 - 32 pages long. The good thing about it is that you can read the entire thing in about 20 minutes.

At least once a week the Metro has a new report on Naked Zorro. Naked Zorro is a guy who runs around completely naked except for the Zorro mask. The Police are baffled, and there are no leads. I think it's more than one person.

This morning a woman jogger spotted him at 4:30 AM. He ran past her and said "I'm Zorro!

Outside the Kindergarten Graduation

Mom: "We're so proud of you, you did such a great job up there! Where would you like to go for a special dinner?"
Boy: "McDonalds"
Mom laughs
Dad laughs, shifts his weight and scratches himself
Mom: "McDonalds?, Honey, we want to take you to someplace special for your big day!"
Boy: " How about Burger King?"

Workday Haiku

excel documents
given to me by you
fruits of accounting

Golf is for Douche-Bags

turf
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I play golf once a year. It's enough to get an idea of whats really going on out there. I get it, I can see how it can be enjoyable. I understand that there can be great pleasure derived from Mastering the many subtlties of the game. I see the man on man competition. Who has the better Drive, the better short game, the nicer clubs, the biggest cock.

So Saturday I am invited to play golf with 7 other guys at a private club. I'm a righty who golfs lefty for reasons I wont disclose. It's hard to borrow lefty clubs, but by unincredible coincidence my father-in-law has given me his old clubs...I'm good to go.

Now these are the guys I play poker with (minus the asshole I wanted to beat-up, he's out) We're pretty much all in the same boat, Dads with fulltime jobs, houses, wives, dogs, and 2-3 kids apiece. This one guy, has $1500 to blow on a membership to a Private Golf Club...which is pretty damn cool that he can swing, the place is AWESOME....it's actually a deal...but how the hell does he have the time to play 2-3 times per week?

If you dont play golf, it takes 5-6 DAYLIGHT HOURS to play a round of golf. There's no getting around the time, it just takes that long. Thats most of the freaking day. He works a full week, and then plays Saturday and Sunday...every week! They have his name on the wall in the Clubhouse, he's ranked 7th. That just seems wacky to me, when the hell does he see his kids? When does he mow his lawn? I guess his wife does it all.

He's a nice guy, and was very generous to invite all of us, but he was pretty uptight that morning that we were going to do something to embarrass him. (It might have been all the beer cans we were shoving into our bags in the parking lot) He cringed abit when he saw my bag of clubs too. I made it a point to play in the other foursome, I didnt want him to have to see the extreme havoc I unloaded on his little bit of green heaven(I play with a 'scortched earth' technique). In fact, here's a photo of one of my many divets. (I did email him the photo after the fact though...Steakbellie cant a good oppportunity go.)

And Life Quickly Responds....

So, as soon as I hit 'publish' on my stupid complaint, my wife calls to say that the husband of a lady we know died last night. You're a schmuck Steakbellie, come on in unison this time....

Think Different

Skull Flag
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Steve Jobs shovels Horse Shit.
I mean that in the best way possible.
It shouldnt mean anything to me but it does.(God, Steakbellie, dont you have anything important to think about?) Apple will now use the same dopey chips in their macs that everybody else in the world does. For centuries techno geeks have lambasted the Macs mostly because it doesnt need to be fixed...like a car that doesnt break down...how many mechanics would like that?

Apple told the faithful how much better their chips were than Intel's. How much faster they were. Now they lie down with them. Anakin has turned to the dark side, send the Pirate Flag to Steakbellie's house, they dont need it in Cuperatino anymore.

Will the Mac now perform better? Worse? I dont know. I'm just a pissed off elitest. I've already gotten my first phone call from a gloating propeller-head.

Hot Dog Johnnys

"Hot Dog Johnnys"
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Smelmooo knows what I'm talking about....hmmmm

Prom Night, 17 years ago.

cherry
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

So anyway, 17 years ago (almost to the day) my prom date offered me her virginity at the SkyView Hotel in Seaside Heights,New Jersey, and I turned her down by pretending to pass out on the bed.

There were MANY reasons for doing that. I was a virgin too, I was scared, I was religeous at the time, and their were 2 other girls I was intersted in, in the next room. I had been close friends with my date since the fourth grade, and we had 'made-out' a few times in the following years. She was good looking and attractive but could be sappy and clingy.

She rubbed my hair for a few minutes and then went into the bathroom. As soon as she left the room I popped out of bed and into the arms of the police who were busy busting my High School friends for underage drinking just outside. They actually were a private security firm hired by the hotel, and just took 10 of our 19 cases of beer, because they could. I wound up sleeping on the beach with a few other girls, but no funny business.

I didnt keep in touch with this girl after that. Her family moved out of state, she went to some big University and did god knows what. She was always alittle spoiled and always got what she wanted in life, boys, toys, cars....and maybe thats what lead to the following?

So I get an email from Classmates.com that she has sent me a message. Sure, great. I love to hear from old friends. I hope they're all happy, and doing well.

She's getting married in a month. The first paragraph said so. The first paragraph also said how she owns her own PR firm in California, how her fiancee is some big movie producer or something, and how much they paid for their house 'in the valley'. All of this from someone I havent talked to in 17 years. The second paragrah was how she's getting married on some private estate and that I should call her to catch up.

I'm completely baffled on how to respond. Apparently I'm some 'loose end' in her mind that she needs to tie up before she gets married? Maybe she needs to know I didnt turn out as well as the 'wonderful' guy she's engaged to? I'm almost angry at her approach to impress me. I'm not an 'L.A.' guy, dont try to stack your chips next to mine to see who has the bigger pile. Not that I cant be impressed by material things, because I can, it's just that I've been married for almost 12 years and have 3 sons.....my sensibilties are much different having been hammered by real life.

Do you think she'd be impressed by knowing I spent last night in my bare feet in my garden? I was picking as much spinach as possible because it's overtaking my Eggplants and Hot Peppers.(they're still seedlings) There was ALOT of Spinach. I cleaned and chopped it up and pan fried it with alittle olive oil, white wine, garlic, onion, and bits of bacon. (now I'm starving, having written that). After that I sat with my wife and 2 younger sons out back, talking about my oldest boy who left for a week of camping with his 5th grade class. After that, I broke out the poker chips and we played blackjack for an hour or so. The six year old is pretty good. I had a GREAT night, do you think this woman would be impressed? I dont either.

So now to the fun part. She wants a pissing contest, I'm gonna splash the pot so she hasnt a freaking clue what I'm talking about. I'm not going to call her, I'm going to respond by email. Here are some of my ideas.

* I could come up with some fantastic story about me being the first man to land on Mars. And that the entire time I wanted to come home so I could get a decent Latte.
* I could translate my entire story to ghetto-speak using Snoop Dogg's Shizzolator found here:
http://www.asksnoop.com/
* I could research who her clients are and then casually mention all of them in some rambling email how they are all best friends of mine.
* I could tell her I need a Kidney and what is her blood type?
* I could tell her that I'm flying my jet to L.A. to protest the wedding
* I could tell her that I'm out of the closet now, and that I'm pretty sure I hooked up with her finacee a few years ago at a party in Vegas

Any Ideas? Post them!