disappointing (haiku)

sun rises and falls
i watch the hour-hand move
and i'm still not done

Up For Steam (Haiku)

monday morning yawns
shake the babies from their beds
we begin again

The Ultimate Question

S is for Steakbellie...
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Years ago I heard a great broadcast on 'This American Life' (Ira Glass). Since this show aired (I believe it's available to listen to for free on the web) I've had many in-depth philosophical conversations (although some were of questionable sobriety). It's a similar fantasy to what would you do if you won the lottery. Here's the question:

If you had a choice, what superpower would you choose: Invisibility or Flight, what would you do once you had it?

Id love to hear some of your opinions and I'll share mine when I complete my weekend of 'responsibility and celebration'...which means: Monday! (plus I wanna read your ideas first and steal the best one)

Dont be Shy!


UPDATE
i oscilate between the two.

In General, people chose flight, for good reasons, mostly they want to fly around like a bird and poop from the air. Pretty harmless motives. Thats the reasons I would do it too.

Invisibility tends to bring out our darker side though. Spying, Stealing, Fornicating. Voting for Bush

Despite the fact that I feel guilty about stealing pens, I would want invisibility so I could steal shit.

Not car radios or cd's but Robin Hood-like mischief. Ingots of gold and treasure from 'Skull and Bones' temple at Yale.

I'd make a checklist of all the celebrities I've seen naked. I'd check it twice.

I'd take an invisible poop and hide it in Kevin Federline's Ferrari.

During the Academy Awards, I'd switch the names of the winners. I'd whisper in the ears of the presenters while the cameras were on them so that they keep looking over their shoulders.

I'd hide Karl Rove's cellphone in Condolisa Rice's purse. Ten days in a row.

I would write 'Cheese Gives Me Gas' in huge letters in Fertilizer at Lambeau Field

I would fwd Dirty Jokes from Bill Gates personal computer.

seeds

seeds
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I'm planning this years garden.

Isnt it amazing that you can take two seeds and place them next to each other in the same soil, and up will come completely different plants? Somehow one plant uses the elements in the dirt to produce red tomatoes,while the next plant makes purple eggplant...using the same building blocks....the same dirt. Hot Peppers or Sweet Corn, Basil or Zuccini.

Gardens are one of the few things in life that still hold some magic for me.....

guernica

You know at some point, we're going to have to answer for what we have allowed to happen in Iraq.....Even those of us who opposed the idea from the start. We have not made the world a better place and we are leaving it in far worse condition than we found it.

As of today, Iraq is inches from Civil War. If we cant stop an insurgency, how are we to stop a Civil War from spreading?

BIG NEWS!!!!

Artie Lang has just done his annual update of his blog: Thurman Munson's Brother

There's some great stuff here, drop him a line and encourage him to keep at it. Ask him how his 'Sister's Piano Lessons' are going, it's a funny story!

oh yeah....

Buns O' Steel

after with consulting with my wife. my rant last night had something to do with buying old VHS copies of 'Buns of Steel' and giving them to the nerdy programmers that work for me, as prizes whenever they did something good. it was her idea, but i couldnt stop talking or laughing about it. brilliant.

s t o o p i d

stoopid
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

i am a jackass.
i got really drunk last night by accident. Everyone stayed home from wresting practice last night and we had a great time watching 'American Idol' instead. It's not that it's a great show, but the commentary of the 5 members of the Steakbellie Clan is pretty hilarious. We enjoy criticising everyone and making fun of them. Mostly 'Fart Joke' type mentality.

I was having fun drinking wine, and laughing. We ran out of wine so I was drinking vodka mixed with something and laughing. Pretty soon everyone was in bed but me who was pestering my poor wife, saying god-knows-what, but i remember thinking how clever i was.

too drunk to sleep, i played video games til 2am. This wouldnt be so bad but the alarm goes off at 6 and my wife had to beat me out of bed at 6:30 to make me coffee and start getting the boys ready for school.

now I'm at work and hung over and feeling pretty stoopid....

everything changes with a phone call

Zeus

steakbellie: "so what's the fastest anybody has ever eaten it?"
lady on phone: "well actually, nobody has ever finished it in the three hour time-limit"

there's a several silent moments as the heavy rusty machinery in steakbellie's head start to creak and turn.

lady on phone: "hello?"

duh.....

Picture the lunchroom of a small corporation on a monday morning. Five or six employees are moving about getting their morning coffee, creamers and sugar. There is chitchat about the recent Record Powerball Jackpot.

The CEO enters and places his cup in the coffee machine

Employee to CEO: "You were out on Friday and missed out on the lottery pool we had. We got 135 Tickets for PoweraAll"

CEO: (looks slapped): "That was STUPID!"

Everyone freezes from the scolding and only the coffee dispenser is making noise.

CEO: (very annoyed): "If you guys WON their wouldnt be anybody HERE to work today!"

Several awkward moments pass as the employees raise their eyebrows and stare at the CEO in disbelief. The machine finally stops and he grumbles out of the room with his full mug.

Humility

Friday I took a hard fall

I was at the SEPTA station, and they were working on the Trolley platform and rerouted the commuters through the Bus platform. Accelerating at the sight of my Trolley, I misjudged the train rail I was stepping over.

You know those slow motion moments...yeah those. My hands were tied up, adjusting my work bag at the time, and I had just enough sense to keep my face turned. My whole body rotated forward flat onto the frozen asphalt before I could react.....right at the feet of a Train Conducter.

'You alright buddy?'
laying facedown, muffled...
'yeah.....'

this all happened right next to my trolley, which was already full of people that I dont know, but see everyday....jackass.....

the duality of the man in the baggy pants

desperately wants to belong
snobbishly needs to standout

Everybody hates Scott

flabbus
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Scott's not MAN enough to claim Jihad against me, so it's pretty safe for me to post this here. There's also an extremely low chance that he will even bother to read this. He's too busy changing dipaers and downloading porn on the Companies dime.

hehe!!!!

artie
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

hated for doodling

lutherans
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

The lunatics fueling the fire over this cartoon riot thing, just offered a million dollars and a car for killing the Illustrator. Apparently they are so uninformed that they didnt know it was twelve different Illustrators who made the cartoons.

What I really want to know is: What kind of car are we talking about here? Can I substitute the car for the 72 Virgins in Paradise?

Funny how these people are all pissed off that someone outside of their religeon broke one of their rules. Are they next going to riot that I had Bacon for breakfast....I mean do do have a degree in Illustration who knows what I might do next.....

Birdy's read the Koran, didnt they ever bother mentioning anything about killing being bad, or is it just doodling that is bad?

legion (haiku)

burried in sinew
i am the desire within
cast me into swine

I have a girlfriend

toughguys
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

Actually I think I have two. They are both four. This is one of them, she's my neighbors daughter. She hand-made me a valentine and gave it to my wife. My wife thanked her and she said.....

'No, thats for MISTER steakbellie!!!!!'

I'm a lucky guy!!!!!!!

Lets bitch some more...Olympic Style

My son had to watch an Olympic Event as an assignment for school. We watched NBC's coverage for over an hour and never actually saw a single event. Here's the problem: Too much backstory. I KNOW they had events going on all day, so show one of THOSE.

The talking heads they use smile too much. I mean like OVERSMILE. It makes me want to hurt them. They have Phopshop white teeth.....go drink some coffee please.

Here's what bothers me the most. Everbody calls it the Turin Olympics. Everybody but NBC that is. They say 'Torino'. Now they are similar words but I didnt want to be the dumb American that just assumed it was the same. I thought maybe the Olympics are in Turin, but the closest ski hill is in nearby Torino? Not a stretch. Finally during one of the Vingettes they show the Shroud of Turin, and I can put the two together.

I'm sure some VP at NBC thought he was being super-clever by using the Italian name, instead of the one we had most likely heard of. Like their network is 'in the know' because they use and overuse that name. That same asshole should just have the whole goddamn broadcast in Italian while he's at it. These idiots are killing me in English. I'll bet he has white teeth too.

introspection of the suburban dad

ghostrider
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

sometimes i wonder
who is the man within me...
and what does he want for dinner

Wordsmith

Everybody loves Cheney
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

look at how carefully crafted the words are that are coming out of the Whitehouse (and from Armstrong who is just passing along written words)

Rather than 'shot with a shotgun' they use 'sprayed with pellets' like it was from a hose.

The other 'no big deal' phrase was something like 'yeah, people get peppered like that from time to time'

another 'no big deal' was a statement that said. ' He got knocked for a loop, some of the pellets actually broke the skin!'

We're talking about a shotgun, it's meant to destroy flesh from hundreds of yards away. There's no pesky peppering going on here people.

The White House also mentioned that the guy might go home, failing to mention he was in the ICU at the time. It's the first time I've heard anyone listed as 'VERY Stable'

Well this VERY stable guy just had a heart attack this morning.....

FYI

egg
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I eat at the same lunch cart and order the exact same thing for lunch almost every day since September or so.

Theres a lady in front of me today. John leans out of the stainless steel window holding a carton of eggs.
John: "Have you ever seen a carton of eggs like this before? See how the container is pinkish?"
Lady: (not sure why he's asking) "Yeah"
John: "Have you ever seen one with a blueish carton?"
Lady: (going along with it because he's cooking her food)"Sure..."
John: "Do you know why that is"
Lady: (sincere) "No, I dont...."
John: (Holding up the pink carton) "Because THESE are HEN eggs. The ones in the blue carton are ROOSTER eggs."
Lady: (impressed) "I NEVER knew that!"
The lady looks at me with her new knowledge , and I confirm the information with a nod.

Some people learn something new everyday.....

a blizzard of mysteries

I run down the steps and answer the door splashing hot coffee on my hand. Two of my neighbors are standing outside up to their knees in a snow-drift. They are both half-smiling and looking at my face for a sign. A foot of snow fell overnight, and it's still coming down hard.

"Did you steal my snow shovel?" one of them asks

I open the door to let them in, they're banging snow off their boots. They are friends.

"What?" I'm confused by the question.

"My shovel, I left it next to my back door last night. This morning I went to grab it and it's gone..."

I cant stop myself from grinning. I totally understand why he thinks it was me, and I'm giggling because it's such a funny joke that someone played. I try to straighten my face up, he'll never believe me.

I need to change the subject.
"Do you guys want some coffee?"
This has the intended effect. The neighborhood has been without power since 4am, my house is freezing cold and everyone on the block has electric ovens. They are following wide eyed into the kitchen as I hold an impossible cup of steaming coffee.

I point to my coffeemaker that is unplugged in my dark kitchen. The pot is full and visibly hot with vapor and arouma.

"how did you?...?"
I have no intention of ruining the mystery of the miracle coffee, so I switch subjects back to the shovel again.

Finally with a straight face I interupt
"I didnt take your shovel, but I wish I did.(i do) Thats pretty funny that someone did that to you. If you want you can borrow mine" Chuckling, I open the door to grab my shovel that I left just outside the door.

"HEY! SOMEONE STOLE MY SHOVEL TOO!!!"

"Can we have some of your coffee?"

cheney

cheney
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

"The old fool..." Lord Cheney whispers to himself and pulls the trigger anyway. There are several long moments before the party understands what has happened, and Cheney must once again hide his Evil Grin

there's pee all over the toilet seat

I was just in the bathroom when my sons came screaming from downstairs. They just saw me in a commercial. I'll be performing tomorrow night on UPN 57 at 10:00pm.

ughnaught

boy when my foot comes off the accelarator i am the most useless lump of shit.....i have things to do but i think today is just lost....i'll probably end up face down in a pile of laundry, past-out, with at least two animals sleeping on my back....i need to get my shit back together...

Uranium Hexafluride Cleans Off Pesky Benn-Day Dots (haiku)

they are cartoon mad
beating their centrafuge drums
with Koran drumsticks

The Olympics Suck

olympic_rings
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I dont mean the competitions or most of the athletes. I love to watch these people who put off EVERYTHING else for years for a singular goal. What I really mean is that:

The Official Candy Bar of the Olympics, Sucks

The 'Coverage' of the games, Sucks. I hate when they try to force interest and create stories that were never there....to poke into these peoples backgrounds to find something controversial, or an angle with every goddamn person. This is not Angelina Jollie doing speed skating. It's a kid from Idaho....dont speculate on who he's dating.

I hate that the US fills it's roster with Professionals. I could give a Rats Ass about some Billionaire Basketball Player who has everything and now a gold metal. Big f'ing deal, go BUY one. I'd rather hear about the guy from Iowa who put off a big money contract for four years because he's an idealist and wanted to take on the world. I want to see this HUNGRY guy fight it out for 5th place. So what if some of the other countries send their Pros...SO WHAT?

We want to see the Underdog out there. Why? Because it's good for us to believe.....

aftermath

you know how a runner can pull a hamstring?
I think I pulled my stomach
seriously
it's a week later and i can still feel
something funny on the left side

is that possible?
does that make me cool, or really really stupid?
I'm reminded of the Billy Joel lyric:
"She said it only proves that I'm insane"

and how do you push that far without puking?

51 weeks to go

Hezbo-la-la

baby, you taste like kerosene (haiku)

oxygen and sparks
mix with something flammable
anxious for the show

cartoon riots (haiku)

haggar burns bodies
bill the cat has skinned opus
beatle bailey rapes sarge

nearfall (haiku)

willing to suffer
holding my body and yours
fighting off my back

the asshole who was never satisfied

i woke up this morning
and some of the satisfaction had begun to dim

couldnt i have eaten two more?
probably not, but maybe

i feel like i left everything on the table out there, and pushed myself so deeply past my instincts that wanted me to stop. i feel like i prepared myself with great respect to the event....but could i have prepared more?
probably

would it have lead to a divorce?
maybe

so i woke up this morning looking forward to the next event...like suddenly there is no doubt i want to do it again. the fantasy is forming. if i prepared for a full year...i could place...i could win....i could set the new world record.....

this is the kind of drive i once had in my career. i wanted to be the best and i fully reached my potential at age 28. i worked in the best company, with the best co-workers on the best projects for the best clients.

that was seven years ago and now i'm in management. i have very little passion for work anymore. i do my job, because it pays well....thats it.

so now i'm passionate about a chicken wing eating contest. read that line again, i'm shaking my head. and it's burning in me that i'll have to wait a full year to get another chance to prove myself.

i'm still completely exhausted and sore, but goddamn it if i havent already put together my new training schedule in my head. i'm thinking about other events i could enter. i'm even looking into joining the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (swear to god, they actually have one) it wasnt like it was easy training for this thing....it makes you physically ill....ughhh....

why couldnt i just take up painting again?
why do i do this to myself?

thanks

For everyones kind words here and in email

It's gonna take me awhile to get my head around what happened. There are so many funny stories from that day that it think will make for good reading. There are a considerable amount of photos that we took, although many of them are somewhat inappropriate for public consumption. I need to gather everyones cameras before i begin posting some of this stuff.

here's a preview of some of the stories:
12 hours after eating 105 chicken wings. I'm finally home sitting on my couch.

Mrs Steakbellie: "How are you feeling honey, are you any better?"
Steakbellie: "Yeah, I'm doing alright, kinda sore"
Mrs Steakbellie: "Will you ever eat again?"
Steakbellie: "Actually, I just ate some leftovers out of the fridge"
Mrs Steakbellie: "What?! The CHICKEN Parm?!?!?"
Steakbellie: "Yeah, I...."
Mrs Steakbellie: "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!"

forced enjoyment (haiku)

chemicaly happy
synapsis under fire
intoxicated

a kiss from greatness...

a_good_day
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

105 Wings, 6th Place.....so freaking unbelievable, wait till you see these photos.....

The day before

The train car is packed and I'm stuck standing again in the door aisle. Everybody's reading the free paper they give out called 'The Metro'. It's usually 16 pages long and full color very similar to USA Today.

I get to page four and I'm greeted by a large color photo of myself and a nice article about what I'm doing. I get almost the whole page to myself. I giggle at how funny I look in the kilt and look around at the other readers.

There's a lady facing me, within hugging distance. She's in blue nursing scrubs and is also reading page four.

i watch her face.

She sneezes and brings the paper up to catch it so that it doesnt go all over me. I watch her sneeze directly on my photo instead.

"God Bless You" I say.

She doesnt look up

For all you Philly people

I'll be on 610WIP again tomorrow morning at 7:30am talking smack!!! and then again later in the day at 5pm for the 'weigh in' at Chicky and Petes!

hungry....

i finished training this past weekend, and so now I'm just trying to heal up for friday. The thing is, I've been eating so many calories for the last 6 weeks, that I'm STARVING this week with the drop off of food. I cant wait til this is over so I can go back to being a human being at the table....i guess i'm lucky to be this busy, it's not gonna hit me til i lay down for a few hours on thurs nite....then "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!"