i think i'm still drunk

i think i'm still drunk

i was thinking....

how all of your legs were broken
when you lay in the cardboard box

how the hell did you go from the street
to my doorstep?

i guess you crawled on hope & faith

you knew that if you made it home
everything would be ok

turns out that wasnt true

I stole this idea from Iris

this is a quick summary of the past year, with the first sentence written on my blog from each month.

January: The stories coming out of Asia are just unbelievable.

February: I dont think my compulsions are as interesting as Birdy's, but maybe somebody will get a laugh.

March: I count bottlecaps.

April: I dont think theres enough coffee in this fucking machine to sustain me.

May: 1,2,3,4

June: So anyway, 17 years ago (almost to the day) my prom date offered me her virginity at the SkyView Hotel in Seaside Heights,New Jersey, and I turned her down by pretending to pass out on the bed.

July: I'm going through a mild depression lately.

August: I always consider the week after vacation, the begining of my year.

September: well if this stupid war couldnt make you any more sick, the disaster in New Orleans has shown you where the Presidents priorities are.

October: I tried to writ e this once but apparently I'm alittle drunk....so here's what important from tonight:

November: got interviewed yesterday when I was getting ready to commute home on my bike.

December: the gods have made their decision.

office pizza party

i walk in the room and they are all staring.
'ooops, better keep Steakbellie out, he might eat it all' someone jokes.
i take a slice of sausage, and i'm trying not to get grease on my tie. I eat it standing up.

someone else says 'i dont think you're fat enough to win'
i smile

they are all thrown with this latest revelation about me.

the new secretary asks me....
'do you eat alot?'
'not really' i confess
'how did you get in?'
'i tried out'
'oh'
silence

'how many people will be there?'
'18 Thousand' I say with a mouthful of pizza (puposely trying to eat slow)
'Wow, thats alot of people eating wings'
'No, only 25 eating wings...18 thousand bought tickets to watch'
'oh....thats pretty weird'
'tell me about it'

with a donkey's jawbone in hand

i always hear
what cant be done
but the only ones who ever stopped me
are within

legends of new years eve

i once madeout with three different girls named Veronica, the same night, the same party. of course it only occurs to me now that they might have been lying....

things i say

"you'll shit yourself backwards!" (daily)
"holy chitlins!"
"if your mom sees this, she's gonna put the smack down!" (daily)
"kiss me and tell me you love me" (all the time)
"grrrrrrrr"

rain day

wet and smiling
i look to our tallest building
and wonder
who could appreciate
that i kept my form
and had my eyes open
all the way down

the man with acetylene for blood (haiku)

tasting oiled steel
i'm ready to fuck or fight
burning inside out

social life: two dvd's and a twelve pack (haiku)

i want something more
and not like i deserve it
but i'm still asking

plates of twenty (haiku)

it's stopwatch eating
pounds of food force fed; i'm sick
before the sun's up

hardened shoulders (haiku)

i was torn apart
grappling with the demons
feel my strength return

black people dont walk on escalators

Mr & Mrs Smith

I rented this a week ago, and had very low expectations. During the screening I was completely mesmerized by Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt. Neither is a great actor, but I just couldnt get past that they are the two best looking people on the planet, and if they make a baby, it will be the goddamn ugliest little toad ever.

So make us this hideous baby, so we can all point our fingers and laugh.....

deja vu all over again

larry is out
i'm scooping grinds in the dark
and there is still no milk or creamer in the fridge

failure

the dairy fairies did not buy milk again
i need to invest in a cow

Creatures of Habit

The weekdays all play out the same.
The alarm goes off before sun-up, and we both give audible groans. Larry starts chuffing in my ear. He has to be let out, and the alarm is his que to stick his wet nose in my face and wag his tail. My wife summons the bravery to get out of bed first and turns on the channel 6 news. She trips over my shoes (that are now very shiny) on her way to bathroom and curses me.

Karen Rogers is giving the local traffic report. She is someone with whom my wife was aquainted with a million years ago, and is a genuinely wonderful person.

I ponder outloud in a gravely voice "Do you think she takes it in the Pooper?"
There's laughter from the bathroom and then the shower starts.

Larry is going crazy, and I need coffee. I need coffee now. I was stupid again last night and up past twelve.

I stumble out of my room in the dark with just my underwear and a morning hardon. My boys are all still asleep and I will wake them soon, in the same order that I always do, saying the same things, scratching their backs, getting them dressed, fed and ready for school. We will fight over getting socks and shoes on, no doubt.

Larry sprints into the backyard, and i return bleary eyed to count measured scoops of grinds and cups of filtered water. It's all part of the ritual.

My cruel mind keeps spotting my cat in the corner of my eye. For six years this is was our daily moment together. The coffee would begin to drip and Pepper would sit on the counter and wait for me to scratch under his chin with both of my hands. Then he would jump to the floor and bump my leg til I fed him. That is how it was and I still dont want to give him up.

I'm mad at him for getting hit. I'm mad at him for being dead. I'm lonely.

I look in the fridge and we are out of milk and creamer. I softly pound my head against the freezer door. Today is going to suck.

Larry barks to be let in.

might be alittle too gay

photoset_1
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

potentially one of the photos for the first press release....too gay? i think maybe i need something more fun or crazy. there's some of me in the kilt too, but they need some work before i can post....

Gabba Gabba Hey!!!

ramones
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

There's alot of name generators out there and most of them are frankly pretty gay. I did find this AWESOME one called 'The Ramones Name Generator' that would give you your Ramones name!!!! Check it out!

I Deal in Tens

I roam this rusty city with a smile on my face. I'm still carrying several thousand dollars in Ten dollar demoninations. They are wrapped up in $500 stacks, and I transfer the stacks from pocket to pocket giggling to myself. It's a stupid stupid thing but I cant get myself to deposit it and end the joke.

At lunch I walk into an ancient shoe repair shop. An old black man with half his teeth shines my shoes. We talk about Joe Namouth and about cigarettes.

He gets ten bucks for a three dollar shine. I get to smile at my shiny shoes.
I Deal in Tens

The Blog of Lewd Enlightenment

The Blog of Lewd Enlightenment
Check this blog out. He's written a bunch of '8-word poems' that i feel good about.

Something is afoot at the Hudson United Bank

TEN
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I just had a bizarre banking experience.

I had to cash a check drawn on an account at Hudson United Bank. Their website pointed me to the branch at 16th and Market. For those of you unfamiliar with Philly, it would be like an address in Times Square in NYC. Not that fun, but that Central to this city.

It's 10am and I try the door. It's locked, I notice a doorbell. A lone woman comes to the door and lets me in. She's the only person in bank...no employees, no customers. Everything else appears normal. Glass walls, loan desks, marble columns.
Just strangley empty for a center city bank.

The woman is friendly and moves through the secure door and behind the greenish bullet proof glass.
"Can I Help You?" she's very nice
"I just need to cash this check"

She looks at my check with some concern
"Are Tens and Fives OK?" she asks

"Uhhh.....I guess.....no hundreds? no twenties?" The check I gave her is for a few thousand. This is kinda weird, what bank doesnt have anything bigger than a $10?

The nice lady disappears into the vault for a few minutes and comes back with a huge stack of money. HUGE. None of it is bound with those little paper things that make you think it's been counted and certified in some way.

She starts making piles of money, counting and recounting. Each stack is about an inch high and finally gets one of those paper thingy to hold it together. I'm so amused I dont mind the inconvenience I'm going to have with this money. I feel like a bank robber when I'm shoving stack after stack in various pockets in my pants and the inside of my jacket. This rocks.

The whole process takes 15 minutes and not a single customer comes in...how do these guys stay in business?

I'm Not Superstitious.....but.....

manning
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I've been a Colts fan for about 15 years now. I actually chose to be a Colts fan, because they were so god-aweful. Right now they are one of the most exciting teams in football to watch. They run a 'no-huddle' offense, which means that the players dont know what the play is going to be until the Quarterback calls it out as the ball is snapped. Peyton Manning is also one of the only Quarterbacks that is allowed to call his own plays, everyone else has the coach do it.

Lore is, if Steakbellie is wearing your Jersey, you are about to be traded, sold, fired, or killed. My wife gave me a Marshall Faulk Jersey years ago, only to have him traded from the Colts 3 months later. I have a Duece Staley Jersey that I was given moments before his announced exit from the Eagles. I own 4 Terrel Owens Jerseys in my house which brought monstrous pain upon this city. My dark green #81 Jerseys caused him to take the entire Eagles Team down with him.

Saturday was my birthday and I unwrapped a wonderful NFL Official Peyton Manning Jersey. (The Dark Blue One) and as much as I love it, I can only wonder what damage I am bringing to my beloved Colts. Perhaps an asteroid or airplane will land on the RCA dome? I'm going to wear it nonstop anyway as I look good in blue. It's almost the new black.

Sunday the Colts lost their first game this season after going 12-0......

One Year and 383 Posts Later

Yesterday was one year from when I first started this blog. Much thanks goes to Birdy for introducing me to it and for sharing his own blog. It's been such an excellent creative outlet for me, and I feel as if I'm creating something that my boys will be able to read years from now when I am gone....some way to know me better.

It was weird for me to realize that someone would actually take the time to read this stuff, and a totally mind-fuck that they would come back a second time. Today, I can say I'm grateful for that.

Most of the people in my current life: Co-workers, neighbors and family do not know about this blog. My wife knows about it but doesnt read it. She said that I need some privacy so I can bitch about her. Funny though I dont do that, she's a public figure and doesnt need our personal trash posted out there.

I have shared it with 'old friends', on the thought that it's a good way to keep a connection with them, and they figured me out years ago and still stuck around.

Whats funny is that the bulk of people that read this are strangers, and some of them have made themselves known to me and share their own blogs. I'm honored.

It's also pretty amazing to realize that these pages have been loaded over 18,000 times in the last year. Thats actually kinda scary.

Here's a link to my first post

Thanks
-Steakbellie-

Pepper

pepper
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I just finished burying my cat in the backyard.

Although I am a dog person, and dont naturally gravitate to cats, I'm pretty upset. We've had him for six years and he was known all through the neighborhood. He was the only animal that I allowed to have food from the table....he'd sit next to me, and I'd give him chicken or spagetti from my own plate. The dogs were scared of him and would look with jealousy.

There's actually a wonderful story how he earned the right to be feed from the table, but i really dont want to tell it right now. Maybe this week will be a good time to talk about it.

Kel and the boys are a wreck and I feel horrible for them. Today was supposed to be a good family day, and the neighbor called just as we pulled into the Art Museum parking lot. They all helped me dig the hole. We all took turns weeping and digging, i think it's important that they boys be physically involved.

We burried him with a little container of spagetti. He used to put one end in his mouth and suck it in, like a little kid. I've really never seen a cat like this, we have another one that's just a normal cat.

There's a beautiful little girl, Aly, that is my neighbor that was in love with him. She dressed up as Pepper for Halloween. I feel so bad......She's four. Her dad brought her over to say a prayer at the stone I laid over his grave.

There are four or five families that used to let him in their house. He was a phenominal mouser. He brought back birds, moles, mice, and I even once saw him catch a squirrel (squirrel got away thank goodness). Of course the legendary story is the one about the night he caught the bat...........

:(

i miss him already.....

The Afterglow....

I keep catching small wiffs of Haggis all week. Like a split-second and then it's gone......

Waste of a day

Oi vey
I'm done for today

I've been running meetings all day, and now i want to do nothing but go home. We have our X-Mas party tonight for work so I'm dressed up in a suit. After work I'm gonna go sit in a random bar for 2 hours waiting for the party to start. It doesnt make sense to go all the way home.

The party's gonna suck as it's a couples event this year and my wife cant make it. The funny thing is that noone here has ever met my wife, so I should have just brought someone else and just said it was my wife. That would have been pretty funny....a guy friend would have been even funnier, because they think I'm sooooo conservative here. I love fucking with peoples perception of me.

so now i'm gonna be the 3rd wheel at a table in some restaurant....joy. We recently hired alot of people, so now I know even less of them....

five miles of clarity

river
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I run through the suits for a few blocks until I hit the bridge at 30th and Market There's a staircase there that go down to a beautiful jogging path that noone seems to know about. Today it is desolate. You can actually forget you are in the middle of a major city.

The path goes along the Schuylkill River, past the Art Museum, and along the famous boathouse row. As soon as I hit the path I can feel the 17 degree windchill, and I wonder what the hell I'm doing out here. I could be sitting in my office surfing the internet.

Snow is begining to fall from a grey sky. It's blowing sideways.

A thin skin of ice is forming on the river.

The wind is stinging my face. Pulling it taught and biting my ears.

"you're here because you're afraid to lose"
i stop running for a moment and put my hands on my knees resisting the urge to puke on the snow
"yeah, but I'm terrified of winning"
"you better keep running til you forget everything then"

i rumble on

the bath (haiku)

the bath
Originally uploaded by steakbellie

clean wrinkly fingers
play until it's too cold
dad wraps the warm towel

The Return of Social Distortion

social_d
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I've been listening to "Sex, Lies and Rock 'n Roll nonstop autorepeat for about two months now.

If you ever liked Social D you need to aquire this album...it's probably the best thing they've ever put together.

High, Gloss (Haiku)

malevolent me
accross the middle and through
i can take the pain

and begin....

there's alot to do
ALOT
my mind is racing and it totally hasnt hit me yet
I'm giving myself tonight off
i'm going to have some beers
and then tomorrow starts a long road
i'm probably giving up booze til february 3
yeah, i'm that serious

i'm going to create a separate website just for this topic
so i dont have to post everything here
and make everybody sick

but tonight i rest and enjoy the family
because tomorrow i make them crazy

The video is posted

you can see me qualify at:

http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/sports/special_packages/wingbow/

you may have to register to see it and i think it requires RealPlayer. ironically my firewall is blocking me from seeing it till i get home. they have the time wrong, they gave me 5.5 minutes and i did it in less than 4.

let me know if the film is good.

Made it.....

Made it.....
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"

- J ac k K e r o u a c

do not attempt this at home

The Next Mrs. Steakbellie
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

i just got off the phone with the local sports radio station
they run a competition every year that draws 30,000 screaming fans and sells out the wachovia center.
it's a food eating competition
the food is chicken wings

If you're in the Philly area tomorrow sometime between 7-7:30am i'll be on the radio trying to win a spot at this fabled event on 610WIP (AM Station).

to get in you must do a 'food stunt'
mine will be eating 2lbs of haggis (look it up) in some yet to be determined time. lots of things factor into qualifying....most of it arbitrary. I intend to put on a great show if nothing else.(might be amusing for some of you if i choke to death on live radio!) I've got my father's kilt and my favorite t-shirt as a costume.

the thing is, 2lbs doesnt sound like that much. it really doesnt....but you should see how f'ing big it is when it's piled up in front of you. it's ALOT.

Most of the extreme eaters in the world are big and fat...but the very two best are Skinny and Asian. That will explain why I've been training to loose weight. I'm still working on a way to make myself Asian. Here's a photo of me and Sonia Thomas,the #2 eater in the World. She's only 99lbs!!! This was taken at last years event, where i was to support a friend of mine. dont you just wanna hug her?

so anyway, this is my life, and this is one of my major goals....god i want this really bad......

sleep (haiku)

slept like a baby
it has been so very long
today I'm happy

Incident of the Black Shoes

"He's just like you!!!" she yells at me with frustration as I walk in the door.
I know exactly which of the three she's talking about. It's funny how whenever that is said about Ch@rlie and me, it's never meant in a good way. I put my work bag down and head up the stairs to his room.

Me, Myself & the Ghost of Henry Rollins (Haiku)

inferno within
incinerate this darkness
bring me home again

Finding Purpose

three amigos
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I'd like to expand more this article from Birdy that I pointed out in the previous post.
You Are A Cog.: This Is Your Life

In the comments PlayfulinDC said:
"What else is there? You're the one with the kids, right? Don't they say you understand the meaning of life once you have one?"

I want to repeat and further my comments.

I'm struck by what she has said, probably because I'm one of the people who have said/believed that.

Kids ratchet up your level of responsibility so high that you are no longer afforded the luxuries of self as easily. you are forced to put your own priorities on hold and to center on someone elses. it's not that you get any answers, but that you are given purpose. kids give you purpose.

and not always high-brow purpose, but simple goals...keep them warm, keep them fed, teach them how to speak, how to love, buy them Playstation. i guess they do make me want to be a better person though, i certainly want to be a better Dad to them. i fail that alot, but i do try.

for me, it's been the only clear thing i have to do in my life. everything else is a mess. i still dont know what i want to do, and i'm not even certain what i like....i know what they like. isnt that crazy?

i guess that's what's satisying about parenthood then, you're given a monstorous goal, something to do, some way to be useful with this little bit of time that we have. they consume and exhaust you, yet you're just happy to be there.

the other interesting thing about having kids is that it changes the way you think about your own parents. you realize first-hand the things that they gave up for you: money, sex, sleep, sanity and you're alot more forgiving (or at least understanding) of their failures.

so what happens when they grow up and go away? i dont have a freaking clue....i guess i find a new purpose....

and I'm certainly not saying that people without kids dont have or cant find purpose. we had kids so young, we never had a chance to look for a purpose!

Headup - Deftones

i count down the beats
and when the guitars come in
its so loud
my eyes roll back

You Are A Cog.: This Is Your Life

You Are A Cog.: This Is Your Life
Read this quick article from Birdy. It's so excellent.

fuck yeah

i got dressed in the dark this morning

later i realized that the pants i'm wearing
are 34's, and havent been worn in a long long time

i'm gonna be 'on' today.....

close

xmas_lights
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

I turn out all the lights and we open the front door. We're all looking out into the blackness of the street with anticpation. The first snow has begun to fall, and I'm a kid again with my boys. I bend down slightly and smell one of their hair.

All of the christmas lights are lit outside, and it's so peaceful to watch the flakes appear in their glow. They come from darkness and are suddenly illuminated red or green or white.

I love snow, I love walking in the snow, I love getting snowed in, I love driving in snow, I even like shoveling snow. We're all hoping for enough to stay home tomorrow and I'm warm with memories of a million snowstorms.

I look behind me to see the three-legged dog inch his rear-end alittle closer to the fire. Yeah, things are ok.

What I'm not doing

mental paralysis

there is so much to do, and I'm bored of all of it. i've even hit walls on my OWN work that NEEDS to get done. On top of it all I have a backlog of Blog articles in my head that I want to write but cant because i feel guilty that i'm not doing the important stuff. Here's a sampling of whats on the grill. I'm not kidding about the names.

"My Life as a Cock Magnet"
"Incident on the People Mover"
"One Year of Blogging"
"The Bad Side of Crazy"
"Legend of the Blonde Haired Cutie"
"It Feels Like the First Time"

Did you ever feel like you've bored of the Internet? I think I've read it all. Whats next.....

the last to know

steakbellie
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

i shut off the radio and keep my unfocused eyes on the horizon. i can feel the stares of the concerned motorists glaring at me as i pass them.

its so clear now that there were problems with the engine, building for a long time now. i heard the valves tapping months ago and could feel the engine shudder through the steering wheel. i once prided myself on my persistant maintenance, now my lack of diligence has lead to a real failure.

the white smoke coming out of the tailpipe is unmistakable, and i can see in my head what the exact problem is. there is a crack in the engine block and water and coolant are pouring into one or more of the engine cylanders. this car is having a heart attack, right now. half of the engine is burning, while the other half is drowning.

moments to minutes from now, the metal of the engine block will actually melt and in an instant, all of these rotating pieces will become a singular dirty chunk of steel and aluminum. the spinning wheels will attempt to force the now solidified crankshaft to turn. there will a thunderous sound as the transmission explodes into a thousand flying metal disks and literaly falls off the bottom of the car into the highway. i know too much, but idle knowledge hasnt helped me here.

i havent stopped the car yet, in fact i havent even slowed down to the speed limit. i know that once this car has stopped, it will have to be fixed. i will have to ask for help to get home. there will have to be a new plan, a new engine, or a new car

there is a sick curiosity that i must fight. i'm curious how far it will go.

the mile markers tick by

High Plains Drifter.....

under the gun

The job prospect opportunity with my former client is speeding along like lightning right now. I talked with someone there again, today again, and we agreed that I should put together a presentation that is a portfolio/resume combined that is written like a series of case studies.

My weak point will be showcasing copywriting. I've been building ads and brochures forever and have had to do tons of writing when clients didnt provide enough. The problem is nobody ever asked me to document it. It's not like I can show them my blog....'hey look I wrote all about drinking & getting fucked over by my boss!'

The other thing is that this needs to be such a compelling piece that they will be willing to shell out almost DOUBLE what they probably intended for the job.

Problems? It's due Monday morning. Tomorrow is completely lost already, so I may have some of tonight, and some of Sunday. I've always been better under pressure than without, but I'm worried I wont feel the pressure til late Sunday night. Doesnt give me any time for revision and I'm pretty exhausted. I have the graphics locked up already....

Gonna have to do this bird by bird I guess......

bringing it down to bare metal (haiku)

take off all the paint
inspect what's underneath it
the hidden damage

game day

haggis
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

the gods have made their decision. they have accepted my stunt proposal and my opportunity is sometime next week. i have to call in on Monday for the exact day, but i will post it here as soon as i know.

i hate being crytic, but it's necessary for now so it doesnt appear in google. it will make more sense when i can talk about it

this is my opportunity to reach beyond the realm of the normal man, and be kissed by greatness, to be part of something much much bigger than myself...

china sucks

china sucks
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.