Wingbowl 15: Part 4 of 6: The Procession
thanks for your patience with this...it's been very hard for me to write.
This is the part that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. The next ten minutes wont translate well to anyone else from now on. Sort of like that GREAT movie that you really bought into, and you're trying to tell your best friend, and they get excited because you're excited, but until they see it, it's just not the same.
They will forget the specifics of my performance, or who won what today. It will all be lost soon enough, but they will always love me over this tiny bit of strange time we shared together. I'll always be welcome for a beer and a big man-hug.
It's fun, wild, and also pretty dangerous too. We all purposelessly forget how dangerous the procession is. It's gotten better in the last 2 years, but I'd rather keep my wits about me at this point. The first year I was in an Enterrauge we got mortared with full cans of beer, cups of beer, rolls of toiletpaper, and other trash thrown from the upper levels of the stadium. All this shit crashing down around you with such force and all you want to do is is put your fist in the air like you just scored a touchdown. The Maddness of a teenager.
We are que 5 of 20, with WingKong just infront of us in the Stadium chute. He mounts his mobile boxing ring with 10 strippers aboard and is dragged down the tunnel towards the light. Is that what heaven is like? I know he is in the stadium when I hear the thunder of the crowd. They just love love his float.
All along while we have been waiting the radioshow has been going on. It's not broadcast over the loudspeakers, so unless you have an AM radio with you, you wont hear the eater introductions, color commentary or the play by play. The little man with the clipboard waves us forward towards the light. My brother inflates his bagpipes, and when he starts to play, we march in.
I am told later of some of the things that were said during our introduction. There is a mention of all the beer that was confiscated from us. A nice thing they said about me was: "This is not a fat man. This is a Serious Eater" I am happy about that.
Inside the stadium, workers have erected the Hockey Glass that the Flyers use. It is in the same Oval, and we are to walk along the inside of the glass counter clockwise in a parade around the stadium. To our left, is another short metal fence keeping the people with 'floor seats' contained. If things go bad, you can hug the glass and be afforded reasonable protection. All of the photos I'm including are clickable for a larger version, and I will try to find one that show how big this place looks from the floor.
If there is something you must do....
All morning Artie Lange has been quiet. He has read his paper. He has drunk coffee. He has discussed Foreign Policy. And now the call to procede, has spurned Artie into action, and he emerges from the Flyers' lockerroom in all of his brilliance. Instead of a Kilt and T-Shirt, Artie is resplendant in a Baby-Cupid Costume he has rented. It is stunning with white fabric upon his white-skin. The toga style is remeniscent of a cloth diaper. Feathery White Wings adorn his back, A blonde wig upon his head. A Magic Wand in his hand that really does promise miricles.
As grim as I am at this moment, I fall in love with Artie all over again. He has had a vision, and chose to fulfill it. He has taken advantage of the opportunity with bravery and courage. The Chix LOVE it in an inverse proportion to how much the drunken Eagles fans are to hate it.
I give one final cough and it starts.
We are in the stadium and my brother is piping by my side. Streamers, Confetti and Garbage fall upon us like rain as we make our way around the stadium. Video Cameras and lights surround us as we march with our giant beer can in tow. The crowd enjoys our presentation and all of us get a turn on the Jumbo-Tron. They list my stats and some of my eating feats.
Artie Lange prances in circles around the group with a sign that says 'Cupid Loves Beer' Midway around the stadium Artie is stopped and interviewed on Television.
My wife has made it down to the Hockey glass, and I'm able to mouth 'i love you' to her. She's been incredibly supportive through this and I can tell she's having fun too. I spot some of our other friends nearby and it feels good to see them cheering wildly for us.
This is it for me. I've worked for a whole year to come back to this moment. For months I lived it in my dreams, MONTHS. I am as serious as anyone can be about this, ascend the risers to take my spot at the table. At this very moment, I cant be any more ready. Like the great Badlands Booker raps, I am 'Hungry and Focused'. Keeps your fingers away from my mouth.
I take my seat, and it's over an hour wait while the other 20 Contestants procede in.
Ugh.
9 comments:
I love this story!
Artie Lange can drink coffee, sit Stoically, talk foreign policy, and dance around in his underwear in front of 19,900 drunk men and 100 drunk women? He sounds like the modern day Renaissance man. You should ask him to blog.
These stories are my favorite. Not because I was there, but because they are so well written.
Another fine Wingbowl post!
Three things:
1)Do you purposely spell entourage wrong just to impress Birdy? If so, I'm laughing out loud.
2)I can't believe you stood there for an hour (after several hours of waiting in the tunnels) before you had to compete. That level of anticipation has gotta be tough.
3)Artie has the heart of a Partiste, and I shall offer him an honorary membership. We shall dub him P'Artie.
You know, I'm totally hyper-aware of his misspellings now. They drive me nuts. And I think Kat is right - he's doing this on purpose. Even fucking FireFox has spellcheck now!
Your excitement and happiness is contagious. Great post! What a great thing to find that certain something capable of spiking the adrenalyn level!! Good show, man!
PS. You ought to supply the link to the place to buy an original "Steakbellie" T-Shirt :)
An hour! Holy crap...how did you stay pumped up during all that waiting? Did you slip away to your hungry place until the countdown started?
wow,
I'm really glad you guys like this story. I wrote all 6 posts in my head within days of the event, but have found it very difficult to get it down on the blog.
Most of this post I wrote in the Safari Browser, which doesnt support Blog Spellcheck, so I just sort of spell things as they are in my head.
The only word I purposely spell wrong now is Enterouge. I like the French spelling of that word, so that is what I'm sticking with.
Yeah, a whole freaking hour. I was pumped and ready to go, (not to mention STARVING) and then it all deflated alittle as I waited and waited and waited....
People throw things at you? How rude.
What a gorgeous description of the ritual!
I've learned.
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