Over the River and Through the Woods to HotDog City I go (haiku)

The spell is broken
I now go kill the Dragon
You, wait here for me

Black

My 11 year old son’s favorite color is black. I know this because it has always been black. While other kids liked pink or blue or yellow. Ch@rlie has liked black since he could say it. He never wavered. He's stubborn like some of his parents. He's a middle child.

I love color. I love it so much I could call it Colour, but I wont, because that would be sickening.

I like to look at Red.

My wife likes yellow.

I could never get enough of Ch@rlie liking Black. I’d take him to BBQ's and when some know-it-all-kid/Parent combo tried to wow the crowd by counting to ten in Spanish, I'd have Ch@rlie announce his favorite color while pumping the beer keg for me. I could feel the jealous marveling of the other Dad's and felt cooler than the kids in Denim Jackets who used to smoke cigarettes on the bus platform. My boy was only four or so at the time. How proud am I?

So a few weeks ago I asked him what his favorite color was. I hadnt asked him in years and wanted a reminder of why I love this guy. “Green”, he said. What the hell is that?

Sigh.

bleh. (eight words)

wish i
could get
my shit
together today

PA's Appology to the World

I'm sorry we couldnt end this god-aweful nomination process. Did you see that stupid Debate? I watched for an hour and they didnt ask them a single question on their policies. This is what they should have asked:

Whats your plan to fix The Iraq Occupation?
Whats your plan to fix the Economy?
Whats your plan to fix Education?
Whats your plan to fix The Environment?
Whats your plan to fix The Engery Policy?
Whats your plan to fix our Position as a Global Leader in ANYTHING?

It's unbelievable how much has been screwed up and needing fixing because of bush.

I'm so frustrated. McCain would be OK if he wasnt so Pro-War. I dont agree with him on every front, but I do respect him. I cant vote for more war however, as this Occupation HAS to be stopped in 4 years when my oldest turns 18. We'll be out of able soldiers by then and drafting bigtime. I doubt the bush twins will be drafted.

Hilary is ok. Plenty of people feel threatened by her but I think she could still win and I like that she has Bill in the stable. I think the Reps want to face Obama however. They know that there are alot of White People that wont vote for a Black Man as President no matter what. These same white people would shit themselves if they realized Jesus was Black.

Why must I share my polluted air with so many pieces of shit?

On Eating

In Defense of Food
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

* I control 10 meals a week. Monday - Friday, Breakfast and Lunch are completely up to me. For the last 2 months I've eaten nothing but vegetables during these meals. I'm not against Meat, I'm against all the refined crap that is in my diet. I'm convinced it's poison.

For those 10 meals I dont eat anything with transfats, modified corn syrup, white flour, sugars, preservatives, or chemicals. I dont eats anything that has more than 5 ingredients. It helps alot that I have a Trader Joe's a few blocks away. On Mondays I buy a big of groceries and put it in the fridge. It's mostly raw vegetables and not much fruit. TJ's has alot of prepared Middle Eatern salads that fit my requirements. I DONT count calories and allow myself to eat as much as I want.

I guess my thinking is that if I add a significant amount more vegetables to my diet, it will balance out the other meals that arent so good. I'm a sucker for pizza. The good thing is that I havent had any problem sticking with it, although I feel kinda weird when people see me Microwaving a pile of potatos in the work lunchroom. Whole Food is a foreign concept in the Work Lunchrooms of America.

The good news is that I lost a few lbs and some pants size and it has stayed off despite my weekends. It takes some planning, but it very doable.

IFOCE
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

* The Iternational Federation of Competive Eaters just released their updated rankings. They typically update in the Fall (after the Krystal Burger Finals) and in the Early Summer (just after the Nathans Hot Dog Finals on July 4th). The IFOCE didnt do a fall update, and I assume this latest update is to reflect the eating [erformances of the end of last year.

I have been bumped up from 21st to 18th. I did well in Vegas and had a pretty good showing at Krystal Burgers eating 31. I also ate 6.5 lbs of Ramen Noodles in a contest sponsored by Nintendo in December. I dont think I mentioned that on this site. The FUNNY thing was that the contest was in the same building I used to work in Manhattan. 10 Rockefeller Plaza. I loved that place but never imagined I'd make my triumphant return using a pair of chopsticks! (ChopSticks were required in the contest!)

There's alot of excitement for this years Nathans Contest. You may remember my attempts to do 'The Duece' (eating 20 Hot Dogs and Buns in 12 minutes)In the last 2 years I struggled and failed to meet that mark. I will be competiting at the Constitution Center in Philadelphia on Memorial day for the Philly Nathans Qualifier. While I dont anticipate winning that particular contest, I will finally put the Duece to bed on my home turf. I've signed up for some other Nathans qualifiers and if I get in, I may be able to win one of those.

Major League Eating (the other name for the IFOCE) doesnt have room anymore for a top 20 Eater that cant eat 20 Hotdogs. The issue is resolved in my head, now just has to be resolved in my stomach.

MLE-Wii Game
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

* Nintendo is releasing a Wii Game about Competitive Eating! It's crazy, but I didnt make this up. It will actually be DOWNLOADABLE to your Wii over the wireless connection in a few months. My guess it will be half the price of a regular game. The game features actual eaters from the circuit! I didnt make it onto the game, but I cant WAIT to play this!!! I'll upload some demo pictures if I can find them! Can you imagine how cool it is for these guys to be IN a game??? I love this sport!

one more exit (American Sonnet)

the beautifully starving hearts of Suburbia
are unrolling their angst in a old Corolla hatchback this summer
hair sweeping out the passenger side window
in a 55 mile per hour pilgrimage to just anywhere else

a secret mission to see if the franchises are the same
from state to state

a perfect balance between youth and eternity

fall in love, one thousand times a day
the clumsy girl at the rest-stop
the old man with the blue gloves in the toll booth
that song

just go and keep that goofy smile til the fuel light comes on

until we find the other magnet thats been pulling all along
and snap them together with a click

FLDS (eight words)

polygamy sounded great until
i saw the outfits

On the El

On the El
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

The stainless steel train car is packed with maybe 50 people headed west, away from Center City Philadelphia. All of the seats are taken, so I am standing in the crowded aisle reading with one hand gripped on a bar above me. The book is about a boy that starved to death in Alaska.

A fat woman in all Red clothing enters the train car at one end and works her way to the back door. For her to squeeze past me, I have to stick my ass in some poor seated commuters face.

The fat woman in Red is handing out printed 5x7 cards. The paper is Manila. The ink is Black. I cannot see any recognizable logos. I wonder what it is about.

The fat woman hands out 49 cards. I was not offered a card. I am the only white man in this car.

We remain divided.

taking your world for granted (eight words)

Eventually,
every Stradivarius
gets forgotten
in a cab

Tagged

Steve Caratzas has tagged me with a challenge.

The rules:

1) Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

I tag Blanche, GnightGirl, Chris, Mega-Munch & Liz


My Six Word Memoir:
Laser Focus,
Textbook Performance,
Wrong Target.

Anticipation

I hate today and the wave hasnt even hit yet. This sucks.

Frustrated.

I’ve been training for a 10 Mile Race called The Broad Street Run, here in Philadelphia. I’ve run it twice over the last 8 years or so. It’s really a great race and kicks off the running season. The race is May 4th and I’ve been ramping up my mileage for a month and a half to be able to finish it.

The night before my surgery I ran 6 miles. I haven’t been able to run since….so about 11 days without any exercise. I can walk just fine, but get uncomfortable with any jumping action. Hell I’m sore by the end of the day from just gravity.

It just sucks because I had lost some weight and was doing really well, and then after the surgery I had to lay around and wound up drinking 2 cases of beer during that first week. I was trying to get drunk, not fat but wound up achieving both. You really dont make good food choices when you're crashed out on the couch for a few days, and when you have my capacity, it's a mistake to eat until you are full.

I’m going to try to run on the treadmill for a few minutes today to see how things are shaking, but I don’t know if my boys will be ready for the abuse of a 10 mile run.

I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t have a lot of the complications other guys had, but I’m just ready to get going and tired of just doing pushups everyday as my only exercise.

because I know (eight words)

Keflex tastes
like coffee,
if you
chew it

The Season is Over but the Headlines Keep Coming (eight words)

World Salt Eating Championships
Not Really Going Well

curiosity, fame, embarrassment (eight words)

found the
Higgs boson
while cleaning
my fridge

"If your Mother makes Peas this week, politely decline"

Ok. Some of you may not be comfortable reading this. If you’re name is like ‘Steakbellie’s Mom’ or sister or if you have testicles of any type, you might find yourself cringing abit. Don’t feel compelled to read if you’re grossed out. I can tell you that everything ends ok, and we all get Ice Cream. It’s just something I need to write about.

Frozen Peas
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

When I was a kid, everyone was getting hit in the nuts. Not a baseball or soccer game could go by without some poor little fella doubling over with nausea. It’s painful to watch, it’s painful to hear about. We all clench our teeth and clamp down on our sphincters when it looks like somebody received a direct hit.

Like everyone else who’s lived abit, I’ve experienced all kinds of physical pain. Burns, Road-Rash, Shocks, Gasoline on the Arm-Pits, MeatSweats, Bed-Spins, Paper Cuts, Fists in the gut, Hot Sauce in the Eyes and 10 years of the Friends Sit-Com. I still find getting wacked in the nads to be extremely unique and undesirable.

Girls were spared this indignity, but later paid a much higher price with Child-Birth and uncomfortable shoes. Still they showed some sympathy on the playground, although I always suspected they laughed their asses off behind the closed doors of a sleepover.

The Lesson? Be careful with those Babies!

Brett Favre
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

The story now shifts to me bounding down my front steps at the age of 37. I am wearing black basketball shorts and a Brett Farve Jersey. I have the toughest, manliest beard that I could muster in 2 weeks time. I have mismatched socks.

“You’re wearing your Brett Farve Jersey to your Vasectomy?” she’s shaking her head and laughing. My wife knows it’s no accident.
“We’re both retiring this year” I state easily as if he and I hang out. “It’s the end of my career, so I want to dress appropriately.”

Brett is one of the greatest Quarterback who ever lived and me? I am the Eastern National Pro-Creation Champion of 1994, 1996 and 1999. I have three blonde trophies that I keep in the house. You should see those f’ers eat. Somehow in my mind, Brett and I are doing this together. He is my Patron Saint of Manliness that will get me through this very dark and sensitive hour. I think how tough I look in Packers Green and kind of nod to nobody.

My wife points out that it’s the end of her career too, but I don’t see her in a special Jersey.

I’m pretty inexperienced in Drugs other than Ibuprophen and Alcohol, so I cut the Valium the doc gave me for Pre-Game, in half. I try to swallow it for old times sake, and am unsuccessful. It dissolves into tasteless blue powder in my mouth. Nice feelings.

At the Doctor Office I’m hit with a horrible thought. Weeks from now I am going to have to drop off a sample of you-know-what for testing. All of the the office staff are women. Now I know that they deal with this stuff everyday and they are Professionals and blah blah blah, but there really is no way to do this in a dignified manner.

I’m doomed.

Maybe when I come back, I’ll wear the Packers Helmet too and a Facemask. Or Hooded Robes. Maybe I’ll drop it off and say it’s not mine. “I found this in the Parking Lot”

I chew the other half of Valium and worry.

The Nurse calls me back and my wife gives me a kiss like I’m going to the store, except I’m not going to the store. I’m just going to have a man do some horrible things to a part of my body that I have been very careful to keep sharp objects away from. It’s weird.

The Doc has me drop my drawers and lay in a chair thingy with leg stirrups. I keep the Farve Jersey on, and get in a position that I’m guessing is awkward for me and the Doc. I immediately lay my head back and cover my eyes with my forearm.

The Doctor is giving me a rundown of the procedure as he turns on lights, coats my neither regions in various medicinal concoctions and mentions that “It’s normal for you to smell smoke”

I ignore ALL of it.

He notices my Jersey. “You know there’s a report on ESPN this morning that Farve might not retire”

WHAT????
My mind is screaming for a few seconds because despite the drugs, I’m really anxious about getting my nuts cut open. Should I still be going through with this??? If I can't count on Brett to stick with a decision, who’s to say that I’m doing the right thing either.

Now I have know for YEARS that I’m done with having kids. I waited this long just to see if my mind would change. We had kids young, when most of our friends were still out partying. Now that our friends have young babies, we laugh because we can sleep in on Saturday mornings (assuming there is no wrestling match or whatever…it’s not shitty diapers in the middle of the night). I’m getting the surgery because I don’t want to get surprised at 40 and have to start all over.

The procedure lasts about twenty minutes.

I don't feel the needles, or the scalpel.
I don't feel clamps or the cortorizing torch.
I don't feel the stitches.

What I do feel is a 16 lbs Monkey that jumps out from under the table, grabs my testicles and tries to pull my stomach out through my asshole. It only lasts 20 seconds or so but is enough for my legs to jump the restraints and pin the Doctor between my knees.
"You're going to have to relax your legs" the Doc says calmly and then shoos the monkey away. Tears have welled up in my eyes. I have bitten my arm.

------------------------------

The weekend is spent on the couch, popping pain pills like Rush Limbaugh on a Tuesday morning. I drinks cans of Lite Beer. I alternate bags of frozen Peas in my shorts every 30 minutes. I smile. I watch movies I will not remember.

I think about the daughter I will never have. In my head she had dark hair and amazing blue eyes. I bought her everything she ever asked for and then locked her in the basement on her Thirteenth Birthday.

I do not regret my decision, but I do recognize that a possibility has become a finality. I will have Friends with Daughters, I will have Daughters-In-Law, I will have Grand-Daughters, and I will have Great Grand-Daughters. Thats pretty good. I will also have some more pain pills, another beer and another bag of frozen peas.

April 4, 2008: No Longer Evolutionionarily Relevant

Can you hear THAT inside the bubble?

George W Bush recently got booed throwing the first pitch out for the Washington Nationals Baseball Team. Considering that a high percentage of people who can afford to go to baseball games are affluent white males (W's Sweetspot)it just shows you how far down this guy has fallen in our view as a whole.

I have been diametrically opposed to just about everything that has come out of this Administration, but even I am surprised that he got booed. This is Washington DC, and it's the President of the US. Thank God people are starting to see who he really is.

Cant we just elect somebody today and have them start on Monday? There's just so much damage to fix it sucks to have to wait almost a year to start.

Plate 'em.

nathans
Originally uploaded by steakbellie.

How serious am I?

for the first time
I have requested off
July 3rd

Hot Dog City
Open Your Gates!

Epiphany on my run

Fashions change with generations
but the girls smoking
in front of the Arts School
will always wear black.

click click click (haiku)

take the bullets out
this gun is just for fun now
no one will get hurt

try try again

Possibilities are being replaced by Finalities!
What is left on your list?
Go!!!!!!!!!!!