i want to run away
i know why this death is bothering me so much. It was somebody I saw often and made small talk with, but not a best friend or anything. It's because on paper, we're almost the guy. We've both been married a Brazillion years, have the same age kids in the same schools.
We both spend all of our free time supporting our kids interests...not just dropping them at practice, but actually changing our clothes and getting dirty with them.
He's dead because he wasnt wearing a seat-belt. I always wear one, but how many other stupid things are there that I do that could get me killed?
So am I ready to die? Have I forgotten to do something? Will my family survive it? Is it ok to waste my time at a job I hate? Everybody knows I love them, right? (i say that often)
People always talk about 'living life to the fullest, but honestly that doesnt fully jibe with being a good father and husband. I understand the mentality in a temporary sense, but I dont know how to adapt it to long term responsible living. I enjoy my life, but should i be enjoying it more? If I have more fun, someone else MUST be having less fun. (Isnt that part of the law of Thermodynamics?)
honestly I dont want to face these things, i want to run away.....(or maybe bike)
6 comments:
Wait a minute! You absolutely *DO* live your life to the fullest by being a good father and husband already. Rejoicing in what IS instead of lamenting what isn't is what "living life to the fullest" is all about. Seems to me you do that already... Just because you sacrifice and support doesn't mean that's not living.
Listen, I don't really know you, I just read what you write, but you seem a reasonable sort. You also seem to really love your kids, love being a dad and really love being married to your wife... you seem to enjoy being involved in your family... sure you miss the yacht parties of the dot com decadence you've described, but so what? Unless I missed something, isn't family and those you love what it's all about??
Maybe this guy's passing is your reality check. Maybe you're thinking about these things because you're standing toe to toe with your mortality and that's scary for anyone. At least, that's what it sounds like to me, but hey what the hell do I know? ;)
The hardest thing about getting older is people start dying. In the past two years i lost my father, mother, grandmother & father in law. I had a mom and grandma for 50 years but i still hurt like i was a kid. I've had frieds die that was barley 40. It's a sad thing.
All we can do in life, is be the best person we can be so people will remember us as a loved one.
when a young person dies it's usually not someone who thinks they will die, it's someone who thinks they don't need to worry about it. Your feelings show you are a good person. (usually poets & artists really take things to heart)I have a brother in law who's 47 dying of lou garrets , it's so sad.
Your feeling are real and sincere but believe me this too shall pass...You will grow stonger from this.
I read this post and naturally I want to tell you what to do with what you are feeling. Isn't that what we all do to each other? Try to fix it?
I've gone away and come back 6 or 7 times now.
Ok, here it is.
"So am I ready to die? Have I forgotten to do something? Will my family survive it? Is it ok to waste my time at a job I hate? Everybody knows I love them, right?"
These are your questions. These are the questions that are bugging you. I say answer them. They are significant questions. They wouldn't have been my questions. My questions are different. They fact that they came to you, in these moments, probably rather easily indicates they are questions needing an answer. ARE you ready? If not, do something about it.
I know you are getting better, you're feeling things differently already - funerals do that ... they bring closure. That's good. But now that you have some closure, you'll begin to shove the questions away again (be honest, it's not the first time you've wondered those things) and that would be a shame.
You've been turned up and over and inside out over this. You are raw and open. That's so good. I grew up on a farm ... nothing grows unless the soil is mixed up, plowed under, fertilized with horseshit and ready.
You're ready.
I say sit down and write YOUR obituary today. Write it yourself. What DO you want it to say? Who do you leave behind? How are you remembered? WRITE IT. Define the end point. After all, you are already headed there, you might as well have a say in it. You don't know when it will happen but it WILL happen. You know what the chances of you dying are, right?
I sound bitchy and overbearing.
I think I'm done
J'
I feel like I owe you money....you're freaking good.
You even anticipate my thoughts
J:"Write your obituary"
S:"I'm Scared!"
J:"You're headed there anyway"
S:"Wow...."
OK, I've been refraining from comment mostly because I don't think I've got much to add to this discussion. But here's my one little part.
You gotta let go. You can't control when you'll die or how. You don't even have the ability to know what happens the moment after you're dead let alone the week, the year, etc. You don't know if your carefully planned afterlife will ever work. There is good reason to believe it wont. When has anything ever gone off exactly as planned? Your children or wife or brother or friend may step up and take care of everything or they may not. There is no controlling what happens in life after you aren't a part of it anymore. The fear comes in because you take care of people and once your gone they would need to take care of themselves. The question is, can they do it? You'll never know the answer. Hopefully you can prepare them and give them the tools. But you will never know.
clearly funerals are for the living. I really dont care what happens to me afterwards (actually I have a specific plan for my ashes, but it doesnt matter if it doesnt really happen does it), but I DO care what happens to my family.
It's probably better I didnt see my funeral anyway. I'd be pissed by all the shit they'd say about me in the hallway.
As far as 'how you die' I already know how I die. I've been wanting to write about this for a long time, but now is not the time. Crazy as it is I have 2 separate plans on how I die.
Plan A and Plan B
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