Thursday, August 30, 2007

My Labor Day Weekend

I've been building a Particle Accelerator in my basement over the last year. I told my wife that it was the Hot Water Heater.

Since it went online a month ago I've been spending my weekends down there. I'll invite a few guys from the neighborhood over and we'll get drunk and fire off streams of alpha particles at atoms of Gold or Strontium hoping to split it apart and maybe make some 'Anti-Matter' or something cool. It does make little sparks but I'm not sure what they are.

The neighborhood guys dont know much about Nuclear Physics either but they get a kick out of the noise made from the two ton, rotating electromagnet. I constructed it out of 40,000 refrigerator magnets and an 400 AMP wire straight from the pole. The sound is like a super deep growl of some predator and makes the hair on your arms stand up. Micah says it reminds him of his Mother-in-Law.

Everyone has to remove all of their jewelry and coins before they come down the steps or get sucked into the thing. It's already got a couple of cases of bottle caps stuck to it. I'm worried about someone getting hurt or my accelerator looking kind of 'low-class'. They probably don't have these problems at CERN.

My next-door neighbor is a real douche-bag. He's house is for sale because my kids walk on his lawn. He'd flip if he knew about the accelerator. Somtimes I aim the stream of sub-atomic partics up through the ground into his parked car. It doesnt do anything, but make me feel better.

A couple of nights ago we fired the thing into a slice of old meatloaf that had been sitting in my fridge for awhile. The Meatloaf disappeared immediately but showed up again a few minutes later with a bite taken out of it. That was weird.

Rob took a bite of the Meatloaf and declared it was 'Anti-Meatloaf'. I told him it was still just regular Meatloaf but that my wife had used crushed up 'Honey-Nut Cheerios' instead of Breadcrumbs. I don't think he was convinced.

My Dog, Larry, ate the rest of the Meatloaf so we'll never know. Rob says we should look around the backyard for some 'Anti-Poop'.

More Later


sangroncito said...

enjoy your labor day weekend!

katrocket said...

Very funny post! Good luck with your "experiments" and your neighbor.

Bert Bananas said...

Please try hosing a stream of sub-atomic particles on two day old pepperoni pizza and report back. You could be sitting on a gold mine!!!

Wendy said...

Funny stuff. I forwarded it to my bro - he's a materials engineer specializing in magnets :)

Chris said...

Isn't Barry Manilow kind of the "Anti-Meatloaf?"

Wendy's Bro said...

Very good! Yours may not be beautiful but I bet the folks at CERN have schedule times months in advance. You can just pop down there after dinner, if you want!

ArtieLange said...

Honeynut Cheerios in meatloaf? That is preposterous. I believe this post, like your life, is a lie.

steakbellie said...

Thats a REAL job!


Mega Munch said...

So what would happen if one were to swallow some anti-matter? Would it perhaps expand your stomach and help it reach new and uncharted levels of capacity?

I'm just thinking out loud here.